hope is currency
Chris needs surgery. No word yet on if my mother does--it's very possible, but she's putting off calling and asking about the results because...probably because she's scared, and the way she copes is either by flipping out or by straight denial. Plus, if she gets laid up, she won't be able to work, and it sounds like money has been pretty tight. The longer she puts off calling, the longer she keeps working. The doctors have done a number on Johnathan and his medications and they're dooming him to a life of delinquency. I tried to convince Mom that what they said probably wasn't as bad as she thought it sounded, even though my brain processed what she was telling me and started screaming obscenities. (I would fire all of them. He's a child. Troubled, yes, but doomed, no.)
I tried to put off getting in contact with my family, which lasted about a week. I told myself that I couldn't handle an update, that I needed a break from the stress, and that I'm too tired and too weak to deal with them. I'm not sure how I managed to avoid speaking with them for months when I first went to college: was I stronger then, or weaker?
It's hard to explain, but frequently it doesn't matter how you feel and it does matter how those around you feel. You want to collapse. They need you. One is more important than the other, no matter how badly you may want the things you want. So there it is. I have to be strong now. I have to keep telling myself this. I have to convince myself that I can do it.
I tried to put off getting in contact with my family, which lasted about a week. I told myself that I couldn't handle an update, that I needed a break from the stress, and that I'm too tired and too weak to deal with them. I'm not sure how I managed to avoid speaking with them for months when I first went to college: was I stronger then, or weaker?
It's hard to explain, but frequently it doesn't matter how you feel and it does matter how those around you feel. You want to collapse. They need you. One is more important than the other, no matter how badly you may want the things you want. So there it is. I have to be strong now. I have to keep telling myself this. I have to convince myself that I can do it.