[ i'll give you nothing else to do ]
- I had a dream the other day in which I was in some sort of.. contest, kind of like a pageant? And one of the men hosting/taking care of everything wanted to talk to me to make sure that I knew that I wasn't pretty, and that I was only getting where I was because of sympathy votes, and the fact that people liked my personality. I was hurt, a bit, but I assured him that I knew, that I didn't expect to win, and that I just wanted to ride it out as long as I could, and see where it would take me.
My other recent dream confuses the fuck out of me, but this one.. kind of makes sense? I'm not sure why I'm dreaming about this sort of thing now, but I've always known I wasn't a bombshell of a girl. Don't get me wrong - I don't think I'm ugly! But I'm not exciting either, just plain. A girl I used to know, Jaime, told me once that I could be "pretty" if I fixed my hair and put on some make-up - you know, made an effort, which I never did at all back in middle school, when she told me this. (Not in Junior High either.. Hell even by High School all I did was cut my hair super short so I wouldn't have to bother with it.) And I remember telling her "It's not my job to be pretty - it's my job to be strong."
I know dreams don't always mean anything, really, but I kind of wish I knew what the hell was going on in my subconscious for this one.
- I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I know it's all vaguely pointless in the long run, but that doesn't mean I should sit back and do nothing, right? And yet, here I am, two years later (almost), still sitting back and doing nothing. Well, not entirely. I've been busting ass and making an honest effort, lately, but even so.. It doesn't feel like enough. I don't think it'll ever feel like enough, to be honest.
I still feel like I was lied to, when I was younger. "You can do anything; you can be anyone!" "You're going to be big! You'll do something worthwhile!" Don't tell kids that. It's so disappointing when they grow up and realize it's just happy bullshitting.
I think that way a lot, but then I also wonder if I really could have done all those things I used to always want to. I'd have to have changed so much from how I ended up doing things, though. And it's not like you get a do-over anyway.
- I enjoy how important running has become to me, even if I am probably screwing up my knees by being on pavement more than grass, dirt, etc. Starting sucks, and going up Veteran's is a pain, but going down and finishing feels great.
It's the best feeling in the world.
Hopefully my shoes last until my birthday, so I can ask for a real pair of runner's to go in. By then I should be able to ace Veteran's, no problem. It'd be great if this inflammation went away too. It's probably because I didn't take my doses just as I was supposed to, and maybe because I actually missed that one when it got washed in my pocket. Oops. It's bearable though! Doesn't hurt nearly as much as it used to.
- Dollhouse kicks ass. I'm upset that I missed Leverage's final episode, but holy crap it's cool to have something new and awesome to watch.
- I like this keyboard. A lot.
♥