The I in Evil
I finished the story previously known as 'Untitled Superhero Story'. It was going slowly for a couple weeks after my last update, but really fast after I got this netbook.
I named it "The I in Evil" for many reasons that made sense to me at the time.
( Some things remain to be done. )
I named it "The I in Evil" for many reasons that made sense to me at the time.
( Some things remain to be done. )
(warning, plot details discussed below)
It got me to laugh--a welcome rarity (I mean, rare but welcome, not that the laughter was so unsettling that the rarity itself is the thing that is welcome). The repeating line of "Is that why you paint your nails?" would work very well in movie format, ala "I have a bad feeling about this". Also within the first few pages "I've never been beaten to death, but the people I did it to looked just miserable" made me laugh (not sure I should even admit that). The goat joke was good. Nice mix of "wet" and "dry" humor (I have no idea what I'm saying). Obviously you have the skill to work the humor up as many notches as you like. Just a data point, this particular reader enjoys and needs such tidbits.
Nice plot touches like the lat/lon in the cape. The development of the video tagging tech is very realistic. Of course, petabytes will commonplace in not-so-many years, but to me that doesn't detract. The virtual keyboard thing fits well with the plot as far as him being a visual detection expert. BTW, I assume you know that there is some real-life technology out there right now that can fairly accurately snoop normal text as it is typed, from the sounds of different keys and timing. From a less technological storytelling p.o.v., there is some very good character development here. The bit about the toy and the bridge is almost too disturbing. Ada feels a bit hollow. I have a bunch of ideas about that, but I guess I should keep them to myself.... If I might make just one suggestion (hoping not to offend), it might be interesting if prior to Sharon's death, Julius has begun to identify more with GS, and developed a disdain for Firehawk and so forth, and accidentally maybe says something that precipitates the event and for which he later struggles with guilt even as the foundation is layed for his change of plans. The bit where he overhears GS et al discussing him as a liability is good, but physically attacking GS just doesn't make sense to me, even for someone enraged. Maybe if he had some tool nearby wherein his basic instincts might make him think he had a chance... OK, sorry, I'll shut up.
I assume typos would be addressed in a rewrite, but I note the possibility that on page 66 where Charlotte uses romantic auspices to shroud the conveyance of her theory that Jeff is GS and none of them will survive, '“Shall we go retire to somewhere a little more private?” Ada asked.' probably s/Ada/Charlotte/ if I understand correctly? I saw another typo somewhere, but I was so absorbed reading that I neglected to write it down. (sorry)
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I've been writing very much improvisationally, concentrating just on getting pages written, which I have trouble doing. As such, I did a lot of things I didn't realize I was going to do a couple pages before. The latitude and longitude on the cape are an example. That occurred to me after Firehawk grabbed the cape.
Video tagging I was really lucky with. I made up a way it might work. I checked a few articles after the fact, and I found out I was in the right ballpark. I was pretty vague, but I was wholly ignorant of image analysis, so I could still have been wrong.
The story is mostly set in present day. I was surprised how many things that are traditionally the realm of comic books exist in some form. The pack-a-derms are inspired by the Big Dog robots, though they're bigger, better armored and more agile.
Snooping text typed from timing and sound without an image, really surprises me. If you say so, I believe it, but I wouldn't have guess it was possible on my own.
Lots and lots of this is drawn from my life. I'm afraid I'm going to accidentally call one of my co-workers Alex and/or Gar. I'm ashamed to say that the toy on the bridge story is, too. When I was seven and my brother was nine, I found a piece of plastic that looked like a jetpack. I proudly showed it to my brother who tossed it into traffic without a second thought. I pushed him without thinking that I was pushing him in front of a truck. The truck brakes and the driver took our phone number. He never called our parents, and my brother never told.
Ada is pretty hollow. There's hints there's something there. She had a husband that I'm guessing was abusive since she's glad he's dead and she has a hot-button for abuse. Green Skull gave her a scar, but she's fiercely loyal to him. Those are kind of appealing bits of data to me, but I don't know that she really makes sense as a character.
Also, you're right in that it might be better if Julius developed more of a rapport with Green Skull and somehow got a clearer idea of his culpability in Green Skull's crimes.
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