Tired and Dis-spirited
Phew. I'm beat.
After the elections, I spent my days scanning through forms and updating voter histories, making sure that everything was accurate. I did my workouts and everything, and... and. I dunno. I just don't feel very good mentally. It might just be burnout, but it's been a while since I've felt that and the fact that there isn't a break coming at all doesn't exactly help.
It's just. Lot of problems that I keep thinking are solved end up being not solved at all. The car thing and the having enough food on hand thing and just. I have a bad feeling that all the money I made in overtime this past week is going to get put back in the car. I was really hoping I'd be able to put something away, but that just keeps not happening. And I keep thinking I'm finally over my problems and somehow it's all going to work out, but the reality is that I'm just coasting along from one crisis to the next.
This is no way to live. I got to find a way out of this. I should pray more. I miss the relationship.
I carry on with the wry, grim confidence of a man who knows he doesn't matter, and is thus freed from all responsibility. But that's not me. I don't know if I'm made to do great things, if I ever will. But it is given to me to live this life. I should do so as well as I can, because it was a gift to me and I should want to see it prosper, that when the time comes for my story to be told, it brings me no shame.
And I know that, emotionally, this will pass. But this is where I am right now.
On a separate note, it's a damn shame I only ever really write in this thing when I'm depressed. You'd think my life was hideous and awful, and that there was no sunshine. That's hardly the case.
After the elections, I spent my days scanning through forms and updating voter histories, making sure that everything was accurate. I did my workouts and everything, and... and. I dunno. I just don't feel very good mentally. It might just be burnout, but it's been a while since I've felt that and the fact that there isn't a break coming at all doesn't exactly help.
It's just. Lot of problems that I keep thinking are solved end up being not solved at all. The car thing and the having enough food on hand thing and just. I have a bad feeling that all the money I made in overtime this past week is going to get put back in the car. I was really hoping I'd be able to put something away, but that just keeps not happening. And I keep thinking I'm finally over my problems and somehow it's all going to work out, but the reality is that I'm just coasting along from one crisis to the next.
This is no way to live. I got to find a way out of this. I should pray more. I miss the relationship.
I carry on with the wry, grim confidence of a man who knows he doesn't matter, and is thus freed from all responsibility. But that's not me. I don't know if I'm made to do great things, if I ever will. But it is given to me to live this life. I should do so as well as I can, because it was a gift to me and I should want to see it prosper, that when the time comes for my story to be told, it brings me no shame.
And I know that, emotionally, this will pass. But this is where I am right now.
On a separate note, it's a damn shame I only ever really write in this thing when I'm depressed. You'd think my life was hideous and awful, and that there was no sunshine. That's hardly the case.