Pensive
I don't know anymore.... i dont know what i want in life anymore, there is this path there is that path but with every which way you take you are unsure of the outcome like i can try and got o an out-of -state college which is gonna suck cause my parents cant afford it and im going to be poor up there since they have to devote all their money towards tuition then there is the navy thing but thats not even a sure bet but then i think what if i just enlist then i can go into intelligence because thats a sure bet they have already told me that.. then i can work my ass off and get a degree while i do that and ill be set but then there is the whole like im not sure if i really want to do that and then there is my final option which is go to UF or FSU do whatever and then move down here get a basic job and be blah for the rest of my life then there are those die hard optimists who say well you never know this or that could happen to you and all these happy fluffy thoughts but ive been smakced with reality all ready and it doesnt happen that way... you kind of have to know people and be really outstanding and like lately i havent felt that im that cut from the cake,,, I went into High school knowing that IB would be tough and yes i know i could of done better but i didnt i wanted to experience high school as well and i did experience a lot but like the life im living its not the life i want to live.. i want an active lifestyle where i go out and i can buy something without thinking twice about it if i see something i like this is like drowning and im tired of swimming... then i have all these thoughts and it makes me think wow im an idiot and like my friends when and if they read this will be like well you are this ossie and you are that and try to make me feel better but like that helped in the past but only superficially not permentally.. all these ppl are changing and im helping them get over there problems but they wouldnt understand mine... i have these complex things i think that are like whoa and yeah thats true and this and that and its deep.. i see what attributes ive received from my mom and which i have received from my dad even though i feel im hindered by dads genes because my moms are more dominant but my dads are still there and have an effect just not as apparent...i have all these mixed thoughts and i go into these fantasy day dreams where i imagine myself being a writer or a spy or being a business man and so on but like then i think again how realistic are these day dreams could they ever really happen or do they just stay that way just dreams...dreams and goals whats the difference well like dreams i feel are most of the time unreachable and goals are there because you know they are or eventually will happen but i belive that i guess ppl mask their goals by saying they are dreams because deep down they know that they will never happen...which brings me back to my life cause like i dont have that path set for me in life as others do i have to form my own path like the road less taken well my road has never been taken because i have to form it instead of choosing between the two roads my life chose to ram right through the middle my grandparents came here to start a new life my dads family came to escape communism but like have they accomplished much like my grandparents on my moms side did i guess they came not knowing english got jobs raised kids and this and that then my mom had to go through the perils of moving from here to there and getting herself through college but like they didnt break through the class barrier that much please they are in debt to their necks and have no sense of saving and like i was thinking today in a smaller less dramatic sense about when we get a box of bagels my dad knows me and my brother only like poppy seed but still he would eat a poppy seed bagel when he has a broader selection this i see is how life is why couldnt my parents sacrafice a little to help me out for the future... see im more of the beneficial kind of person like i would think of my kids if i knew my son only like poppy seed bagels i would leave those for him and choose another im not trying to say that my parents dont want the best for me or dont sacrafice anything but like they could of done a bit more or tried a little harder like if i met a woman and i fell in love with her and i knew she hadnt gone to college i would of tried and worked with her to get atleast her bachelor degree and like i know that would have done a ton to improve my lifestyle and living situation now a days but yeah life sucks and it calls again ill be back to let out some more grief in the days or hours or minutes ahead.......