Unreleased Tracks
There is an elephant's graveyard of LJ posts that never made it to see the light of your computer screen.
You see, I get ideas for some of my essays to post and I sit down to start writing them, but they do not go where I thought they would and before I even finish I look back and re-read and sigh with frustration. . . "This not nearly as interesting or informative as I thought it would be," I think. Or I decide that all I am doing it reinforcing some stereotypes and dancing around cliches.
Recently, I wanted to write about my love play-fighting. You know, rough-housing with your friends, wrasslin' and punching and pushing - or getting embroiled in some ridiculous argument about some meaningless topic just to have an exercise in conflict, purposefully reversing my position, or misrepresenting the other person's. . . but nothing came of it - there was no conclusion I could come to that was satisfying. I mean, I was going to explore it from a gender angle - about how physical play-fighting is usually reserved for my close male friends - it is a way that men bond and show affection in an "acceptable" way - and how the play arguments/debates usually happen with women - as if it were the exploration of an intellectual interaction that is less common - kept playful to avoid that heated aggressive place debates with men usually go, releasing the vitriol that men expect from each other, but that feels different when expressed across gender. . . but then none of that seemed right, or true enough to write about.
I also wanted to write about group dynamics in a group of mixed gender - and how men act and interact when dealing with women. . . striving to be the center of attention, to dominate the conversation and make everything about themselves in an attempt to shine and show their reproductive fitness in a social/intellectual way - or use ridicule and humor to talk someone else down when no having the resources to do so otherwise. But again, my words rung hollow and I could go no further than the description of some stereotypical roles and attitudes along gender lines and didn't feel like I was exploring anything remotely new.
Here is an excerpt:
I mean, it is not like I cannot be and am not often the talker, the person who is a hub of a conversation, telling stories and jokes and doing the entertaining - but I try to involve the other people - to ask them questions and get their own crazy stories out of them. The point for me is being able to draw other people out and see what they have to offer - especially people that may normally be reticent to share. . . And not to make the whole thing about me, me, me. . . about my experiences and my opinions. I mean, I offer those, too and it sure it fun to have people listen and enjoy your life's anecdotes. . . but is it the point?
And there have been dozens of others posts that never made it, half or mostly written, only to be saved over in the little LJ text file I keep on my computer by whatever I do posts that just seemed ill-conceived or too revealing or not revealing enough to bother with.
The only thing these all have in common is that I never actually finish them. . . They end mid-sentence, or mid-thought. . . or with a question that needs to be answered - but I cannot answer it.