I need an easy friend
I've been sitting here thinking about typing for a few minutes. This is ironic as I came here for the sole reason of typing out my latest problems and the main one is my inability to speak. Not only that but the dilemma of feeling as if I'm not being heard. Even now I struggle to find the words to put here or the reason for it but I can only say that I feel like I must do it.
I must write. I must speak. I must be heard. I'm so tired of being alone and being ignored or pushed aside. I'm so tired of being lied to and sharing no genuine emotion with anyone. I'm so tired of feeling purposeless. I'm not sure if I'll ever escape that. I can't think of any good reason to exist other than to enjoy it but I'm not enjoying it. I'm not happy and so that leaves me sad, lonely and dejected and thus sometimes angry. It's a depression that's regressing me to the times in my life when I was shy and afraid of people.
Conversations feel forced. It's like all the magic that used to be pent up inside me just died. I used to be able to entertain people, or at least interact normally in conversation but now I stand there silent in a circle of no friends without a word on my lips or a useful thought in my head. I'm not stoned. I might be a little tired. I hate the people I end up interacting with. I'm not sure if that's because these people actually suck or because I've built them up that way in my head. Realizing that these people are supposedly normal just makes me feel so much more alien. The people I hang out with on a daily basis don't make me feel any better. I spend so much time with them it's like they're my family, minus the emotional support. Oh, wait, that's just like my real family, never mind. You get tired of your family. That's why you have friends, to get away from your family. My extended family also seems to be getting tired of itself. All I really want is a nice big bus to come knock the hope back into me again.
But what am I supposed to do? Everyone else is gone. Everyone's gotten angry at me for good or bad reasons and stopped talking to me and the rest just seem to have forgot about me. Worse still for too long I let those people go forgotten. Trying to rekindle old friendships just reminds me of how far I've grown apart from the people I once knew. Trying to make amends with people angry at me generally pushes them to tell me not to talk to them anymore. Trying to tell people about the problems in my life usually garners useless advice I could have given myself or they avoid the subject all together.
It's like... all I need is to actually feel like people give a shit about me but no one seems to understand me or take any interest in me. It's to the point where I don't know if my lack of human interaction is fueling my depression or the other way around but I'm almost sure it's both and the most logical conclusion to that is self destruction.
One might say "Cory, use that negative energy to do something positive in your life. Slowly turn things around and make yourself feel better and then other people will like you." and to that I say fuck you. I've lived twenty years so far and I'm pretty sure I know this one thing about me. I need people. I need love and affection and kind words from real people. I've heard that self love is the best love. If you put anyone on a planet by them self with a lifetime supply of food and a gun and tell them they'll never leave no matter how much self love they have they'll be dead within a year. That's because all of life is pointless and the only way for it to feel otherwise is through interaction with itself. Self-love to me is retarded simply because of the doubleentendre mingled in with it. To love one self is truly ego masturbation. Masturbation is the sad act of pleasuring one self in place of actual intimacy. I don't tell myself I was good after I masturbate, I try to fall asleep fast enough to not think about the fact that I don't have a girlfriend. Self love, or self acceptance is just a means to an end. The whole point is supposed to be that suffering is caused by attachment to earthly things and self love is loving that which is yours forever. Problem is I don't believe in karma or an afterlife, and I don't give a shit if the things I'm attached to cause me suffering because I know they're capable of much more pleasure than pain. I say fuck self love because I don't lie to myself. I know I'm a decent person of high intelligence with interesting thoughts and average looks. It's just that I can't seem to gain the love and approval of others that seems to come so naturally to everyone else.
That's what's killing me. It's that I don't feel like I'm a bad person but I see a lot of really shitty people whose lives are just panning out perfectly. I just want to fucking scream it. WHY!? What the fuck have I done for my life to suck this bad? What is it about me that makes me fear people and people fear me? Why can't I just pull a hug or two out of my fucking day? Maybe I was coddled too much in infancy but just feels like the beginning of the turning of this worlds cold, cold shoulder.
I must write. I must speak. I must be heard. I'm so tired of being alone and being ignored or pushed aside. I'm so tired of being lied to and sharing no genuine emotion with anyone. I'm so tired of feeling purposeless. I'm not sure if I'll ever escape that. I can't think of any good reason to exist other than to enjoy it but I'm not enjoying it. I'm not happy and so that leaves me sad, lonely and dejected and thus sometimes angry. It's a depression that's regressing me to the times in my life when I was shy and afraid of people.
Conversations feel forced. It's like all the magic that used to be pent up inside me just died. I used to be able to entertain people, or at least interact normally in conversation but now I stand there silent in a circle of no friends without a word on my lips or a useful thought in my head. I'm not stoned. I might be a little tired. I hate the people I end up interacting with. I'm not sure if that's because these people actually suck or because I've built them up that way in my head. Realizing that these people are supposedly normal just makes me feel so much more alien. The people I hang out with on a daily basis don't make me feel any better. I spend so much time with them it's like they're my family, minus the emotional support. Oh, wait, that's just like my real family, never mind. You get tired of your family. That's why you have friends, to get away from your family. My extended family also seems to be getting tired of itself. All I really want is a nice big bus to come knock the hope back into me again.
But what am I supposed to do? Everyone else is gone. Everyone's gotten angry at me for good or bad reasons and stopped talking to me and the rest just seem to have forgot about me. Worse still for too long I let those people go forgotten. Trying to rekindle old friendships just reminds me of how far I've grown apart from the people I once knew. Trying to make amends with people angry at me generally pushes them to tell me not to talk to them anymore. Trying to tell people about the problems in my life usually garners useless advice I could have given myself or they avoid the subject all together.
It's like... all I need is to actually feel like people give a shit about me but no one seems to understand me or take any interest in me. It's to the point where I don't know if my lack of human interaction is fueling my depression or the other way around but I'm almost sure it's both and the most logical conclusion to that is self destruction.
One might say "Cory, use that negative energy to do something positive in your life. Slowly turn things around and make yourself feel better and then other people will like you." and to that I say fuck you. I've lived twenty years so far and I'm pretty sure I know this one thing about me. I need people. I need love and affection and kind words from real people. I've heard that self love is the best love. If you put anyone on a planet by them self with a lifetime supply of food and a gun and tell them they'll never leave no matter how much self love they have they'll be dead within a year. That's because all of life is pointless and the only way for it to feel otherwise is through interaction with itself. Self-love to me is retarded simply because of the doubleentendre mingled in with it. To love one self is truly ego masturbation. Masturbation is the sad act of pleasuring one self in place of actual intimacy. I don't tell myself I was good after I masturbate, I try to fall asleep fast enough to not think about the fact that I don't have a girlfriend. Self love, or self acceptance is just a means to an end. The whole point is supposed to be that suffering is caused by attachment to earthly things and self love is loving that which is yours forever. Problem is I don't believe in karma or an afterlife, and I don't give a shit if the things I'm attached to cause me suffering because I know they're capable of much more pleasure than pain. I say fuck self love because I don't lie to myself. I know I'm a decent person of high intelligence with interesting thoughts and average looks. It's just that I can't seem to gain the love and approval of others that seems to come so naturally to everyone else.
That's what's killing me. It's that I don't feel like I'm a bad person but I see a lot of really shitty people whose lives are just panning out perfectly. I just want to fucking scream it. WHY!? What the fuck have I done for my life to suck this bad? What is it about me that makes me fear people and people fear me? Why can't I just pull a hug or two out of my fucking day? Maybe I was coddled too much in infancy but just feels like the beginning of the turning of this worlds cold, cold shoulder.