A change will do me good... Right?
Summer has come and gone.
I've been on LJ a few times looking around for updates, inspiration and occasional photo updates but have been unable to communicate myself it seems.
I have become more impulsive and compulsive all at the same time.
That being said... I have gone out an purchased a new laptop and am on my way to Texas in just a few days to visit my best friend and his partner. It's funny, I thought I'd go relax and just take advantage of a quite space. Ha! Like that is going to happen? Quiet and my friends in the same place? What was I thinking? They have made such extravagant plans and now I am soooo excited to also be able to go to Austin and San Antonio and see others as well.
I really have not traveled other than for work in almost 3 years now. I really wanted to go to Atlanta as planed in August, but it fell through and I felt really disappointed about it. I've agreed that if a road gig comes available with the right artist that I would go in a heart beat. I have really been blessed and lucky to work with some of the most AMAZING artist and shows. Just being able to spend time with my friends I do not get to see often this past year has been healing and priceless.
The flip side of things is that I am still trying to deal with all that took place in the past few months. It's been weird that's for sure. Grief has shown it's ugly head in my life and that of other friends as well. Loss was multiplied over and over again. My friend Daniel, his father less than 6 weeks later, my great Aunt and my cousins unborn son. I sometimes wonder when this part of my journey will be lighten up, but it's just life and life as I know it. I felt so guilty that I could not be more or do more for Dan's family and especially during that time. Everything happened so fast. I miss him terribly and the fact that he died on the anniversary of my fathers death made it a bit harder for me I think. I was on overload I guess.
I have felt like I have not been able to brush myself off and get back up as rapidly as I had been doing.
A friend called me on the morning September 11th and asked me what I was going to do to in the memory of the man I loved on the 3rd anniversary of his death. I just replied that I was going to "live life". That's the most important thing I can do in his honor is to live life and go forward. I'm doing it bit by bit I guess. I know I am a different person that I was even last year at this time. Not that it still does not hurt, but the pain has lessened. I smile more at the memories instead of crying about them and the mistakes I made.
I have some medical issues that I am finding myself seeking to change doctors now. I had to "choose to know" what was is going on and I SO dislike going to the doctor, nevertheless feeling that right now I am working with someone who is just trying to medicate me rather than listen or see the whole picture. Ok, so now I am looking for another doctor that will take my insurance. So, how do I explain that one? I just did not talk about it with anyone. Not even those who are closest to me. I have had 4 biopsy's since September that were just put off so to say. The last one they removed almost 30cc's of fluid from the inside of my uterus that was not normal. When I questioned my MD on that she did not know what I was talking about and wanted to know where I got the information?!? I told her it was in the letter from the oncologist and her response was that she'd only read the last line of the letter. I was like W T F???
So, once again, I am trying to put focus on what I need to do and that means I need to take care of me too and not everyone else. I have a few friends that now know what's going on and yet, I can not seem to communicate with my biological family about it. My family seems to be more my friends than most of my blood relatives. That's normal for a lot of us, I know.
I've about run out of time sitting in this internet cafe and need to get moving.
I've been on LJ a few times looking around for updates, inspiration and occasional photo updates but have been unable to communicate myself it seems.
I have become more impulsive and compulsive all at the same time.
That being said... I have gone out an purchased a new laptop and am on my way to Texas in just a few days to visit my best friend and his partner. It's funny, I thought I'd go relax and just take advantage of a quite space. Ha! Like that is going to happen? Quiet and my friends in the same place? What was I thinking? They have made such extravagant plans and now I am soooo excited to also be able to go to Austin and San Antonio and see others as well.
I really have not traveled other than for work in almost 3 years now. I really wanted to go to Atlanta as planed in August, but it fell through and I felt really disappointed about it. I've agreed that if a road gig comes available with the right artist that I would go in a heart beat. I have really been blessed and lucky to work with some of the most AMAZING artist and shows. Just being able to spend time with my friends I do not get to see often this past year has been healing and priceless.
The flip side of things is that I am still trying to deal with all that took place in the past few months. It's been weird that's for sure. Grief has shown it's ugly head in my life and that of other friends as well. Loss was multiplied over and over again. My friend Daniel, his father less than 6 weeks later, my great Aunt and my cousins unborn son. I sometimes wonder when this part of my journey will be lighten up, but it's just life and life as I know it. I felt so guilty that I could not be more or do more for Dan's family and especially during that time. Everything happened so fast. I miss him terribly and the fact that he died on the anniversary of my fathers death made it a bit harder for me I think. I was on overload I guess.
I have felt like I have not been able to brush myself off and get back up as rapidly as I had been doing.
A friend called me on the morning September 11th and asked me what I was going to do to in the memory of the man I loved on the 3rd anniversary of his death. I just replied that I was going to "live life". That's the most important thing I can do in his honor is to live life and go forward. I'm doing it bit by bit I guess. I know I am a different person that I was even last year at this time. Not that it still does not hurt, but the pain has lessened. I smile more at the memories instead of crying about them and the mistakes I made.
I have some medical issues that I am finding myself seeking to change doctors now. I had to "choose to know" what was is going on and I SO dislike going to the doctor, nevertheless feeling that right now I am working with someone who is just trying to medicate me rather than listen or see the whole picture. Ok, so now I am looking for another doctor that will take my insurance. So, how do I explain that one? I just did not talk about it with anyone. Not even those who are closest to me. I have had 4 biopsy's since September that were just put off so to say. The last one they removed almost 30cc's of fluid from the inside of my uterus that was not normal. When I questioned my MD on that she did not know what I was talking about and wanted to know where I got the information?!? I told her it was in the letter from the oncologist and her response was that she'd only read the last line of the letter. I was like W T F???
So, once again, I am trying to put focus on what I need to do and that means I need to take care of me too and not everyone else. I have a few friends that now know what's going on and yet, I can not seem to communicate with my biological family about it. My family seems to be more my friends than most of my blood relatives. That's normal for a lot of us, I know.
I've about run out of time sitting in this internet cafe and need to get moving.