Life's lessons... spineless jelly fish no more.
Since September, I have not been writing/posting as much.
I think I got out of it a bit when my laptop died last year and just started spending a lot more time outside my home. Then I had to be picky on what bills I had that I could pay. MSN wanted money I did not have at the time to be on line.
Funny, two years ago this time I had just come back from Atlanta and could not see five minuets in front of me. I was numb and dealing with a lot of PTSD (post traumatic stress). Loss after loss in my life had been triggered after the death of a man who held my heart. A man who loved me, yet I fought for him not too. I was too damaged. I never imagined I would be here today. I was wishing every breath I took was going to be my last. I did not think I'd ever be able to see beyond my own pain. I did a lot of stupid things too. I tried to clear my heart and my head. I tried to do and carry everything on my own but it did not work too well.
I'm still doing grief therapy when I can. It's different now. It seems this past year I relived my father's death and Laura's murder due to some media issues (and well really my own issues). Two of the biggest losses in my life next to "M". Funny thing was I never really talked about them that much. I never knew how to communicate about it. I so did not want to hear what a church had to say about one of it's own leaders murdering his wife and children.
There are still more issues I have never given voice to from my own experience. In time I'm sure there will be a place that they they will come up and be released more. I just know today that I am not the only one who's had to face abuse, domestic violence or rape. I'm just not as unique as I thought I was. All of theses I tried to hide from a man who loved me and all it did was rob me of a precious relationship(s).
I am the one who has to change the tapes in my head. Plain and simple.
Last year I started taking more risks. I started working again little by little this personality started to return while I was working with all of these creative souls.
I'm encouraged to stand on my own at work. They trust me. Not to take shit from any artist when they are trying to take advantage of me, because first off they know me, my work ethics and have witness the bullshit happen many, many times. As I said I felt like they had given me permission and encouraged me to find my back bone and my voice.
I got caught in a bad snow storm this past week. I felt like I was in a Snow Globe. I thought... Ok, will someone please turn this snow globe I am living in right side up?
As if the pressure in my head from a cold is not bad enough... I was hours away from home.
Honestly, I thought could make a commercial...
Any other given time this would of been great, but I had responsibilities and commitments to keep. Why was I getting so upset with myself when there was nothing I or anyone else could do.
Was I the only one in this universe that was stuck in that moment? Ummmm... No.
Did I have a nice hotel room that still had power when half of the Island did not? Ummmm... Yes.
Was I warm and safe while the rest of the state looked like a heavily flocked christmas scene? Ummmm... Yes.
Did I still have ways to communicate with the outside world those who were not there to wittness my internal freak show? Ummmm... Yes.
Did I call my best friend because I knew he was going to laugh at me and make fun of my situation when I was about to cry? Ummmm... Yes. (and he laughed and made me laugh until I cried)
I was stranded, Could I accept the fact that I could not get anywhere? Ummmm... No. Come on... "I" had places to go and people to see and a job(s) to do.
I could not let myself be in that moment.
Why was it when I was calling these people I was suppose to meet and greet 4 hours away in an Airport not upset because I could not get to them? Why did I think they were going to be mad that "I" was not there? Could they not take a cab? Ummmm... Yes.
Why did my production manager call me and ask... "babe, are you safe are you ok"? "do you need money or anything?"
Ok, so I see these reflections looking back at me now... Those in my life who were there the past couple of years who have been in my corner I'm in awe that they are still here. I am thankful for the gifts and the lessons they have brought when I could not even stand on my own.
I think I got out of it a bit when my laptop died last year and just started spending a lot more time outside my home. Then I had to be picky on what bills I had that I could pay. MSN wanted money I did not have at the time to be on line.
Funny, two years ago this time I had just come back from Atlanta and could not see five minuets in front of me. I was numb and dealing with a lot of PTSD (post traumatic stress). Loss after loss in my life had been triggered after the death of a man who held my heart. A man who loved me, yet I fought for him not too. I was too damaged. I never imagined I would be here today. I was wishing every breath I took was going to be my last. I did not think I'd ever be able to see beyond my own pain. I did a lot of stupid things too. I tried to clear my heart and my head. I tried to do and carry everything on my own but it did not work too well.
I'm still doing grief therapy when I can. It's different now. It seems this past year I relived my father's death and Laura's murder due to some media issues (and well really my own issues). Two of the biggest losses in my life next to "M". Funny thing was I never really talked about them that much. I never knew how to communicate about it. I so did not want to hear what a church had to say about one of it's own leaders murdering his wife and children.
There are still more issues I have never given voice to from my own experience. In time I'm sure there will be a place that they they will come up and be released more. I just know today that I am not the only one who's had to face abuse, domestic violence or rape. I'm just not as unique as I thought I was. All of theses I tried to hide from a man who loved me and all it did was rob me of a precious relationship(s).
I am the one who has to change the tapes in my head. Plain and simple.
Last year I started taking more risks. I started working again little by little this personality started to return while I was working with all of these creative souls.
I'm encouraged to stand on my own at work. They trust me. Not to take shit from any artist when they are trying to take advantage of me, because first off they know me, my work ethics and have witness the bullshit happen many, many times. As I said I felt like they had given me permission and encouraged me to find my back bone and my voice.
I got caught in a bad snow storm this past week. I felt like I was in a Snow Globe. I thought... Ok, will someone please turn this snow globe I am living in right side up?
As if the pressure in my head from a cold is not bad enough... I was hours away from home.
Honestly, I thought could make a commercial...
Any other given time this would of been great, but I had responsibilities and commitments to keep. Why was I getting so upset with myself when there was nothing I or anyone else could do.
Was I the only one in this universe that was stuck in that moment? Ummmm... No.
Did I have a nice hotel room that still had power when half of the Island did not? Ummmm... Yes.
Was I warm and safe while the rest of the state looked like a heavily flocked christmas scene? Ummmm... Yes.
Did I still have ways to communicate with the outside world those who were not there to wittness my internal freak show? Ummmm... Yes.
Did I call my best friend because I knew he was going to laugh at me and make fun of my situation when I was about to cry? Ummmm... Yes. (and he laughed and made me laugh until I cried)
I was stranded, Could I accept the fact that I could not get anywhere? Ummmm... No. Come on... "I" had places to go and people to see and a job(s) to do.
I could not let myself be in that moment.
Why was it when I was calling these people I was suppose to meet and greet 4 hours away in an Airport not upset because I could not get to them? Why did I think they were going to be mad that "I" was not there? Could they not take a cab? Ummmm... Yes.
Why did my production manager call me and ask... "babe, are you safe are you ok"? "do you need money or anything?"
Ok, so I see these reflections looking back at me now... Those in my life who were there the past couple of years who have been in my corner I'm in awe that they are still here. I am thankful for the gifts and the lessons they have brought when I could not even stand on my own.