(no subject)

[oshungirl]

Today I was in my class on the treatment of survivors of genocide and torture, watching a really good (and difficult) documentary on a woman's relationship to the loss of her father in the Vietnam War. Afterwards many of us were in tears. I went to lunch with some friends I know from outside of school and I realized part of why I have been so discontent socially. I tried to say how amazing the film was and how moved I was and I got the "difficult emotions?! Pain?! Sadness?! *dodge* How 'bout that Superbowl?" It wasn't literally like that, but I brought into stark relief that my social circle is and I am changing. I have no more patience with the surface interactions. I mean, I was never so great at them, but given what I am doing for school and for work, I don't have time for that avoidant idiocy. Further, sitting at lunch I felt bad for being me, having my way of being and of seeing the world. Same damn feeling I had in my upbringing. I get to be the lucky fucker who has a feeling, has "wisdom" (bullshit, It's called introspection) which is helpful when someone's ass is falling off, but when it is not, then I am re-religated to the realm of "crazy". I am still living this shit and I am not willing to do so anymore. Will most of my friends be shrinks and therapists? Most likely. I think I am my work in many respects, or at least in this work. It's my heart, my politics, the whole deal. Funnier than all of this is that I am now more staunch about not letting my family use me as their personal therapist. I've spent my whole life like this and now I am not interested in holding their anxiety and I'm quite vocal about it. I'll discuss theory, but if they want a therapist they can cut their weak denial of "I just don't need *that* sort of thing." and go pay what I pay for *my own* therapy.
Off to a meeting and to study--I have a Biology exam tomorrow and I have more note work to do...