The Persistance of Memory (and other troublesome mindsets)
So I have a problem discussing religious experiences with my parents. For some reason, I find my own position on a religious level a sensitive subject, despite the fact that my faith is rather well-founded. (As funny as it sounds, I never doubt the existence of God, but I do doubt the steadfastness of my own faith in Him.) I feel privileged to be able to say that I've "found God", yet were I to engage in a conversation about my personal relationship with God with my parents, a sudden irrational fear grips me, and I determine that I would rather they not think I'm a total whack-job. The obvious irrational nature of my fear arises from the fact my parents are also faithful believers.
So, essentially, the problem is that I can no longer be open to talk about intimate subjects with my parents. Upon further investigation, I discover that I can't talk of many subjects beyond that of God with those closest to me. I'm drifting from them on a social level, while simultaneously losing my dependance on them on every other level. Now that I have my licence and a regular income, the only thing that really bonds us is the intimate nature of our relationship. Now, even that fades.
I suppose I exaggerate the urgency of the situation. Though, it vexes me how I can be more open with a lot of people, yet not my parents. I would venture that, as I grow towards independence, the drift from my parents is part of a natural course. Rest assured I do not love them any less.
I have high hopes for my senior year. The urgency of the need for success is less present, since the most important year of high school is over, but it is still palpable enough to keep me cognisant of my achievements. Mostly now I hope to attain a personal enrichment from my education. I want to gain a personal satisfaction of my own thirst for knowledge rather than hold the conventional motives for completing my work. Now that my schedule focuses on writing, I hope to be able to appreciate school, and enjoy it as something I want to do, rather than have to do.
I've already started trying to fulfill Mr. Kilanowski's request that I read 10 books in addition to the required summer reading. I'm going to buy some more books tomorrow with my father. I also have to bring myself to write something besides the occasional LiveJournal entry. Thanks for reading, its been fun.
So, essentially, the problem is that I can no longer be open to talk about intimate subjects with my parents. Upon further investigation, I discover that I can't talk of many subjects beyond that of God with those closest to me. I'm drifting from them on a social level, while simultaneously losing my dependance on them on every other level. Now that I have my licence and a regular income, the only thing that really bonds us is the intimate nature of our relationship. Now, even that fades.
I suppose I exaggerate the urgency of the situation. Though, it vexes me how I can be more open with a lot of people, yet not my parents. I would venture that, as I grow towards independence, the drift from my parents is part of a natural course. Rest assured I do not love them any less.
I have high hopes for my senior year. The urgency of the need for success is less present, since the most important year of high school is over, but it is still palpable enough to keep me cognisant of my achievements. Mostly now I hope to attain a personal enrichment from my education. I want to gain a personal satisfaction of my own thirst for knowledge rather than hold the conventional motives for completing my work. Now that my schedule focuses on writing, I hope to be able to appreciate school, and enjoy it as something I want to do, rather than have to do.
I've already started trying to fulfill Mr. Kilanowski's request that I read 10 books in addition to the required summer reading. I'm going to buy some more books tomorrow with my father. I also have to bring myself to write something besides the occasional LiveJournal entry. Thanks for reading, its been fun.