Malicious Butterflies and Mild Self-Loathing
There are a myriad of thoughts which I cannot articulate. Something is wrong. I don't know what it is, but I can't sleep. I am in love, but I feel as if there is this force that wants to destroy it. The woman I love isn't happy and I don't know how to fix it. Everytime I try, I feel like I'm just messing everything up and pushing her away. I have wild mood swings. Talking to people about it makes me feel completely stupid. I can't talk to people without rationalizing - I word things all wrong because I don't know what I'm feeling, so I make up something similar that I do understand. I feel like everything is falling apart in my hands. This message will inevitably be misinterpreted. I have a communication deficiency.
That said.
I am allergic to change. I form dependencies. Things change, and I don't know how to handle it, so I despair. I've been living in the same house and going to school in the same town and generally seeing the same people for my entire life. Then I go to college. It's a nice school with great people, good courses and generally edible food. So why do I hate it here? Because it's different. Because I don't get to see the same old people and the same old places. It's not a bad school. I'll admit, being exposed to drinking and drug use that I had previously been sheltered from creates a sort of depressing atmosphere here and there, but for the most part I don't think its this place that is the problem the way I thought it was.
But here's the thing. I can handle it. I've been handling it. There are fantastic people here who take care of me and I love them for it. I miss my girlfriend. I won't lie. I have my moments, I know, but then I snap out of it. I've had a lot of dependancies in the past, and I've lost them. With a certain reluctance, I'll admit. I'm still working on this. I have to work on it more. I get down now and then, but I honestly can't expect myself to be happy all the time.
The relationship I'm in is worth it. I see it as something completely worth working for. If I get sad now and then, so be it. Nothing worthwhile in life is easy. If we fail, we fail. I've thought about it. I think I've almost prepared myself for it. I'm hoping it won't happen, but it might. I'm going to be completely realistic.
There's a lot going on. Everyone is under a lot of stress. I'm doing my best here to just step back and take a breath before trying to untangle the whole thing. I think the doctor is prescribing time. We just have to work at it like everything else. We can let everything fall apart or we can just take everything in strides. There's a lot to be done. I still have a lot of thinking to do. I gotta figure myself out. I've reconciled that. I'm trying to give it a start right here.
This is by no means holy writ. Again, I've probably misrepresented a few of my own feelings again, but I think I've gotten the general point across. Life isn't as simple as we'd like it to be. That's ok. I've overreacted in the past. I've gotten down on myself. Then I stepped back and I looked at the whole thing and I've said "It's really not that bad, time to suck it up." Despair has never gotten us anywhere.
Alright, that was good. One step at a time.
That said.
I am allergic to change. I form dependencies. Things change, and I don't know how to handle it, so I despair. I've been living in the same house and going to school in the same town and generally seeing the same people for my entire life. Then I go to college. It's a nice school with great people, good courses and generally edible food. So why do I hate it here? Because it's different. Because I don't get to see the same old people and the same old places. It's not a bad school. I'll admit, being exposed to drinking and drug use that I had previously been sheltered from creates a sort of depressing atmosphere here and there, but for the most part I don't think its this place that is the problem the way I thought it was.
But here's the thing. I can handle it. I've been handling it. There are fantastic people here who take care of me and I love them for it. I miss my girlfriend. I won't lie. I have my moments, I know, but then I snap out of it. I've had a lot of dependancies in the past, and I've lost them. With a certain reluctance, I'll admit. I'm still working on this. I have to work on it more. I get down now and then, but I honestly can't expect myself to be happy all the time.
The relationship I'm in is worth it. I see it as something completely worth working for. If I get sad now and then, so be it. Nothing worthwhile in life is easy. If we fail, we fail. I've thought about it. I think I've almost prepared myself for it. I'm hoping it won't happen, but it might. I'm going to be completely realistic.
There's a lot going on. Everyone is under a lot of stress. I'm doing my best here to just step back and take a breath before trying to untangle the whole thing. I think the doctor is prescribing time. We just have to work at it like everything else. We can let everything fall apart or we can just take everything in strides. There's a lot to be done. I still have a lot of thinking to do. I gotta figure myself out. I've reconciled that. I'm trying to give it a start right here.
This is by no means holy writ. Again, I've probably misrepresented a few of my own feelings again, but I think I've gotten the general point across. Life isn't as simple as we'd like it to be. That's ok. I've overreacted in the past. I've gotten down on myself. Then I stepped back and I looked at the whole thing and I've said "It's really not that bad, time to suck it up." Despair has never gotten us anywhere.
Alright, that was good. One step at a time.