[one shot] tomorrow is forever

[osehuns]

Title: tomorrow is forever
Pairing: gd/top
Rating: nc17
Genre: angst
Warnings: highlight to read death
Author: osehuns
Notes: seunghyun is quite sick.

Comments

[snoaz]

aah, this was very sad. Normally I'm actually not one to read angst/sickness fics.

The ending was well done, concise yet a bit ambiguous, as in the general style of the fic. It was powerful. The start was also good, it immediately has your attention. And I also liked how in one of the last paragraphs you intertwined past (italic) and present. It shows well how Jiyong is absorbed in his thoughts and the whirlwind of things that is happening, until Seunghyun snaps him out of it.

One matter of attention is the punctuation: “I know.” He repeats. Should be "I know," he repeats. If you're not sure of the rules, you could just open a novel and you'll quickly see!

Another thing is the characterization. The danger with fics like this is that it can become a hospital story about any two persons. You need to make sure that it is their story, gd and top's. Include little quirks of them, outward descriptions, snippets that show their dynamic. It doesn't need to be extensive, especially because this is a short story and the focus is elsewhere, but with little details you can make the story more engaging because the reader feels that it is indeed about gd and top.

There also wasn't much, or any, background information in the story. Now this can be a concious decision, sometimes it only adds to the style of the story. But still, as a reader you need a framework (we don't know everything the author knows, of course). You don't need to tell everything in the first paragraph, that can even be a little boring, but now the why/when/hows remain vague and that makes it harder for the reader to feel attachment to the story or get absorbed in it.

Don't be discouraged by these things, haha, I hope it's constructive criticism that you can work with (because as you wanted me to look at your story, I think it's more useful to also point out matters of improvement rather than only the good things).

But overall it was well-written, you certainly have some sort of writing style of your own (not just generic story telling) and that is always a big plus for me! Will this be the first of many gtop fics? If so, good luck, but also enjoy of course ;-)

-snoaz

p.s. If you want to attract more readers, post it in the gtop/big bang fic community :)

[osehuns]

agh i'm sorry! I practically forced you to read it if you think about it.

Thank you so much! Yes, I really appreciate the constructive criticism because that's what I was really looking for over good thing. The criticism is what helps one improve in the long run if the writer listens (aha) and I'll do my best to take this all in for my next fic!

I'm glad you pointed it all out because I had a few of the same worries when I began reading it a few times over after I posted it. I didn't really see anything that spoke that "oh it's gtop communicating with each other" or much less that it's jiyong and seunghyun as individuals. (And the punctuation ah, never one of my strong points but thank you for pointing it out!!)

I'm hoping to write more! It's just difficult for me to get into the mood in comparison to falling into a rut. I'm actually reading a book in english class actually, "Crow Lake" the one I mentioned in the quotation in the beginning and I find her writing style really inspires me to write more.

But overall, wow thank you so much! I've been admiring your work since I got into the fandom, to be honest. I think I read one of your fics within the first ten and I kind of really really liked it. (Plus with that attraction, I asked to be added to your gtop community and /wow/ I really mean to comment at your insights but it's a pain on mobile heheh)

Thanks again, lovely!

p.s. i'll attempt to do that right now, thank you!!!

[snoaz]

I'm glad my review could be of help!

And I feel that is too much praise for my writing, but it means a lot, thank you!

p.s. love your icon :)

[osehuns]

I think I'm not giving enough praise lmao but ~

But thanks again! I'll look forward to reading your next fic whenever you release one hah

p.s. thankyouuu I adore yours c: