mom...
the relationship between my mother is a well known thing. we dont get along, we dont like each other, she is the digging point when brought up, can break me down to feel like the lowest peice of shit that is on earth. i havent talked or seen her in over a month and it hasnt gotten to me one bit.
but last night someone said that i was turning into my mother along with a few other statements along those lines, it is by far, by that comment, the worst feeling and the worst statement anyone has ever said too me. it cut me down and has left me to feel like a piece of shit worryin that i will indeed turn out to be like this uncaring, abusive, selfish, and decietful woman.
in my personal opinion i am nothing like my mother except in her social bubbly talking alot aspects which i have cut down on because i dont feel so social anymore, but the fear has always been distilled in me that i will turn out to be like my mother. it scares the shit out of me.
after the comment was made the conversation continued on and i interuppted with a "shut up, you make me so angry sometimes i could just hit you" and they responded with "there, right there, that is your mother"
i cried and couldnt sleep. so hurtful and so scary. i do not want to be this woman. i do not wnat to nurse traits of her. i want to be me and i want to inherit and become, if like either of my parents, the image of my dad. those are good, honest, hardworking, caring traits, and i hope that those would be ones that i would intercept throughout life.
i calle her up and she finally answered her phone. all she wanted to do was talk about herself and how not talking to me didnt effect her at all. i told her i didnt want to see or talk to her for a long time. she hasnt been there for the last 6 years of my life and just becuase she says hi to me while she is frequenting the establishment i work at, does not mean she is motherly. just becuase she thinks about me occasionaly but doesnt act on it doesnt make her a mother. etc etc. the only reason i feel she is my mother is because her name is stated on that category on my birth certificate.
harsh yes. but step into my shoes and the woman that she is a woman that has made me an emotionally numb and scarred individual. i dont want or need that negativity in my life. im sure well be able to talk one day, but there is no talking now... and im making it apprent that i need a long break and time away from her and maybe she can realize and grasp the fact that she has a daugher. but until then, ive made it the last 14 years without one, mostly the last 6, but i can survive in my adult years without her just fine.
maybe me saying this is me being like my mother, and if that is so.. well then i guess i have a long lonely scary life ahead... being like her.
but last night someone said that i was turning into my mother along with a few other statements along those lines, it is by far, by that comment, the worst feeling and the worst statement anyone has ever said too me. it cut me down and has left me to feel like a piece of shit worryin that i will indeed turn out to be like this uncaring, abusive, selfish, and decietful woman.
in my personal opinion i am nothing like my mother except in her social bubbly talking alot aspects which i have cut down on because i dont feel so social anymore, but the fear has always been distilled in me that i will turn out to be like my mother. it scares the shit out of me.
after the comment was made the conversation continued on and i interuppted with a "shut up, you make me so angry sometimes i could just hit you" and they responded with "there, right there, that is your mother"
i cried and couldnt sleep. so hurtful and so scary. i do not want to be this woman. i do not wnat to nurse traits of her. i want to be me and i want to inherit and become, if like either of my parents, the image of my dad. those are good, honest, hardworking, caring traits, and i hope that those would be ones that i would intercept throughout life.
i calle her up and she finally answered her phone. all she wanted to do was talk about herself and how not talking to me didnt effect her at all. i told her i didnt want to see or talk to her for a long time. she hasnt been there for the last 6 years of my life and just becuase she says hi to me while she is frequenting the establishment i work at, does not mean she is motherly. just becuase she thinks about me occasionaly but doesnt act on it doesnt make her a mother. etc etc. the only reason i feel she is my mother is because her name is stated on that category on my birth certificate.
harsh yes. but step into my shoes and the woman that she is a woman that has made me an emotionally numb and scarred individual. i dont want or need that negativity in my life. im sure well be able to talk one day, but there is no talking now... and im making it apprent that i need a long break and time away from her and maybe she can realize and grasp the fact that she has a daugher. but until then, ive made it the last 14 years without one, mostly the last 6, but i can survive in my adult years without her just fine.
maybe me saying this is me being like my mother, and if that is so.. well then i guess i have a long lonely scary life ahead... being like her.