re-uptake/self-counseling
Soooo.....I had a breakdown, and I've had time to think about it.
On Halloween I came home to an empty house and went through everyone's room in my house looking for any and all pain meds they had so I could OD. Being unsuccessful, I wrote my pathetic myspace plea for attention. Scratch that; I'm not going to be mad at myself for being human.
To put things in perspective: I rarely talk to my friends back home. I get all the love and connection when I come home, butout here I'm cut off. When I come home to my Pullman house, Sarah and Amanda are always together and Stephanie always has Justine over. I'm the third wheel (fifth, actually, but who's counting?). I go to Sigma Kappa and I'm the random who's not in the thick of things. I go out and I'm an accessory to whoever I'm out with.
I'm just incredibly lonely. I know people like me, but...sometimes it's not enough. I don't have a best friend or a lover or a constant confidante. I wish I was strong enough to not NEED one either, but at this point in my life I'm not. I can't let myself beat myself up over it either, but it's hard. At this crossroad I need constant affirmation that I'm doing OK, and I don't get that from other people OR myself.
So I figure I just need to get back on that horse and ride it to hell. No more obsessing on what I need to fix unless I'm doing something proactive about it; no more overloading on tasks and goals. I HAVE to learn to be OK with ME otherwise I'm going to keep on breaking down. That was my...what, 7th attempted attempt since school got out? Not to mention the three incidences last school year and the numerous breakdowns since 8th grade. I don't have a healthy respect for my own body. Right now I have bronchitis, a lymph node infection, a throat infection, and an allergy rash from a new razor,still smoke a quarter pack a day and just went to the Dr. a few days ago after a month of all this. I'm constantly aware of how out of shape my body's gotten, how dried out my skin is, how dirty my hair is...yet I can't get myself to go to the gym or take a shower because deep down I don't think my body deserves it. Pretty sure that stems from a strong dislike for myself.
Soooo, how to fix this? I don't know, and now is not the time to start planning any more major changes I can't achieve. That will just feed into my self-obsession and give me another reason to tell myself I'm a failure.
All there is I can do is love other people for exactly what they are and then learn from that how to work on loving myself. If you're only ever concerned about yourself, how can you expect others to be concerned about you?
I'm going to post this to my myspace so I hold myself accountable to other people.
On Halloween I came home to an empty house and went through everyone's room in my house looking for any and all pain meds they had so I could OD. Being unsuccessful, I wrote my pathetic myspace plea for attention. Scratch that; I'm not going to be mad at myself for being human.
To put things in perspective: I rarely talk to my friends back home. I get all the love and connection when I come home, butout here I'm cut off. When I come home to my Pullman house, Sarah and Amanda are always together and Stephanie always has Justine over. I'm the third wheel (fifth, actually, but who's counting?). I go to Sigma Kappa and I'm the random who's not in the thick of things. I go out and I'm an accessory to whoever I'm out with.
I'm just incredibly lonely. I know people like me, but...sometimes it's not enough. I don't have a best friend or a lover or a constant confidante. I wish I was strong enough to not NEED one either, but at this point in my life I'm not. I can't let myself beat myself up over it either, but it's hard. At this crossroad I need constant affirmation that I'm doing OK, and I don't get that from other people OR myself.
So I figure I just need to get back on that horse and ride it to hell. No more obsessing on what I need to fix unless I'm doing something proactive about it; no more overloading on tasks and goals. I HAVE to learn to be OK with ME otherwise I'm going to keep on breaking down. That was my...what, 7th attempted attempt since school got out? Not to mention the three incidences last school year and the numerous breakdowns since 8th grade. I don't have a healthy respect for my own body. Right now I have bronchitis, a lymph node infection, a throat infection, and an allergy rash from a new razor,still smoke a quarter pack a day and just went to the Dr. a few days ago after a month of all this. I'm constantly aware of how out of shape my body's gotten, how dried out my skin is, how dirty my hair is...yet I can't get myself to go to the gym or take a shower because deep down I don't think my body deserves it. Pretty sure that stems from a strong dislike for myself.
Soooo, how to fix this? I don't know, and now is not the time to start planning any more major changes I can't achieve. That will just feed into my self-obsession and give me another reason to tell myself I'm a failure.
All there is I can do is love other people for exactly what they are and then learn from that how to work on loving myself. If you're only ever concerned about yourself, how can you expect others to be concerned about you?
I'm going to post this to my myspace so I hold myself accountable to other people.