grumble grumble
Everything is irritating me lately. I wonder if I would be more tolerant of things if I had the proper time to digest current events and plan for them properly. I'd like to drop the activities I have planned for this weekend but it's too late to back out now.
My mom and I aren't getting along very well right now. What else is new. Due to a miscommunication I have failed her once again. I should be able to dedicate more time to making her life a little easier. Then again she spends nearly every hour of her life at home. You'd think that would be easy enough. Dealing with my ridiculously temperamental dad and my severely autistic brother does not qualify as easy.
I think I felt the pull to write this journal entry simply because by writing some of my thoughts I can figure out some solutions or at least consider different aspects of situations/problems that I have going on. Right now what I really want to figure out is why I have such unpleasant relationships with both of my parents. You know, things could certainly be worse between us but I'm not content. I want to know why a good number of our conversations end in screaming matches. I want to know why it's awkward and weird for us to do things together. I want to know why I don't have any sort of a friendship with either of my parents. I so envy the majority of my girl friends that go shopping with their mothers and tell them about their crushes/boyfriends. I can't really imagine doing either of those things with my mom.
I like to think that I am somewhat good at dissecting the relationships I have with other people. The relationship between my parents and I is not healthy. The basic reasons why are unbeknownst to me. Am I just a terrible daughter? Do our financial difficulties as a family drive most of our arguments? Are my parents and I just so different from each other that common ground is too hard to find? What the fuck is it?
I guess part of the problem is that I see the major flaws in my parents and tend not to acknowledge their positive attributes. I certainly don't want to dive into any of their flaws, that would just be wrong.
It's heartbreaking. It's terrible. I hate this. I'm the child that is relatively normal. I dont have autism. I should have a good relationship with my parents. I should help them and support them in their future. I should be capable of that. But I can't even get along with them. I think we are just terrible at understanding each other. My whole family needs to go to family counseling but my whole family, with the exception of maybe 2 of us, would laugh at the idea of us doing so.
I love my family.
Recently Dana said something to the effect of "Well, your parents must have done something right if they raised you". I bet my parents would disagree. My dad did, however, write a similar sentiment in a birthday card (or was it a graduation card?) he gave me awhile ago. I think I agree. I think I've become a decent person. A bit lacking in confidence and fairly indecisive but I care about people and I think I empathize well. I'm funny and creative. I have friends that are amazing. I have a boyfriend who is wonderful and apparently he thinks I'm wonderful. So why can't I get along with my parents? I get along with stupid co-workers that I don't give a damn about better than my own parents. Now, that's just sad.
Maybe, in due time, I will sort this out.
My mom and I aren't getting along very well right now. What else is new. Due to a miscommunication I have failed her once again. I should be able to dedicate more time to making her life a little easier. Then again she spends nearly every hour of her life at home. You'd think that would be easy enough. Dealing with my ridiculously temperamental dad and my severely autistic brother does not qualify as easy.
I think I felt the pull to write this journal entry simply because by writing some of my thoughts I can figure out some solutions or at least consider different aspects of situations/problems that I have going on. Right now what I really want to figure out is why I have such unpleasant relationships with both of my parents. You know, things could certainly be worse between us but I'm not content. I want to know why a good number of our conversations end in screaming matches. I want to know why it's awkward and weird for us to do things together. I want to know why I don't have any sort of a friendship with either of my parents. I so envy the majority of my girl friends that go shopping with their mothers and tell them about their crushes/boyfriends. I can't really imagine doing either of those things with my mom.
I like to think that I am somewhat good at dissecting the relationships I have with other people. The relationship between my parents and I is not healthy. The basic reasons why are unbeknownst to me. Am I just a terrible daughter? Do our financial difficulties as a family drive most of our arguments? Are my parents and I just so different from each other that common ground is too hard to find? What the fuck is it?
I guess part of the problem is that I see the major flaws in my parents and tend not to acknowledge their positive attributes. I certainly don't want to dive into any of their flaws, that would just be wrong.
It's heartbreaking. It's terrible. I hate this. I'm the child that is relatively normal. I dont have autism. I should have a good relationship with my parents. I should help them and support them in their future. I should be capable of that. But I can't even get along with them. I think we are just terrible at understanding each other. My whole family needs to go to family counseling but my whole family, with the exception of maybe 2 of us, would laugh at the idea of us doing so.
I love my family.
Recently Dana said something to the effect of "Well, your parents must have done something right if they raised you". I bet my parents would disagree. My dad did, however, write a similar sentiment in a birthday card (or was it a graduation card?) he gave me awhile ago. I think I agree. I think I've become a decent person. A bit lacking in confidence and fairly indecisive but I care about people and I think I empathize well. I'm funny and creative. I have friends that are amazing. I have a boyfriend who is wonderful and apparently he thinks I'm wonderful. So why can't I get along with my parents? I get along with stupid co-workers that I don't give a damn about better than my own parents. Now, that's just sad.
Maybe, in due time, I will sort this out.