sober
new years was a blur. three little drops of liquid, one blue pill. we just hung out in my room. left the house once, just as it was kicking in. interesting. k, if your not back in 10mins were coming in to find you! so sketchy. didnt much like the e. just made my jaw hurt. back in school again. cold blue skys. distorted clouds. wish the cold would leave me alone for awhile. stayed at her house last night. she asked me if she should be worried. but then i asked her what we were. and she didnt know. and i really dont know. so that leaves me here. alone in this shit hole. i could go home and get some sleep, but that would be too easy. sometimes i think i could just sleep the world away. wake up a new person. ha, tha'd just be too easy. although my windows are covered from light for a reason. dont know if i ever want to be that high again. herb, thats one thing, but too lose gaps of time, and just get lost in your mind, in the middle of a sentence and just lose everything. maybe just the liquid next time. she might buy a vile. man. thats alot of little drops. this week sometime even. maybe if i feel safe. i just spent the whole night contemplating me. everything about me. what i'm doing here. just went off in my mind about things. i could feel the tendons in my wrist. i wanted to see them. but i didnt. just remember being tense. its supposed to be a good time. it was, outside of my head. maybe i just think too much. but man, all i can do is think lately. its so hard to explain whats going on in my head. i had every intention of telling my mother when i went home. but i didnt. i just know its going to break her. and i dont know if i'm ready to say goodbye to everything. but then maybe they will just hug me and be happy. i can only hope. she gave me a speech about being happy. and i just have to find somthing that makes me happy. i guess she finally noticed my apparent optimism surrounding the world. i just didnt hide it this time when i went home. i think my grandmother even said she didnt see me smile. on the verge of tears every living second. its just part of the process. i was numb for so long. just depends what you want to be i guess. numb or sad. the dramatic arts of my life. put up the act for a few more months. you'll be fine. alright, everythings alright.