update on love
I don't have much of a reason for not updating, other than I've been lazy. It started off that I was très busy with working damn near seventy hours a week, but that ended at the end of December.. and then I just quit doing everything all together. Other than complicating lives, that is. That is where I'll start..
Mitchel and I were having some problems. The problems themselves weren't that big of a deal; it was our inability to discuss them.
I've always been the kind of person that likes to talk things over, get them out in the open, and Mitch is the kind of person who keeps everything inside and unendingly stresses. It was getting to the point that I was afraid to say anything for fear that he'd get upset and go through his lock-down. This frustrated the crap out of both of us; my wanting to talk, and his shutting down. It got to where we became ultra sensitive to one another, always insulted and frustrated.
I had just started my new job at SRC, and that kept me distracted enough that I didn't think much about the situation with Mitch and I. Then before I knew it, this guy I work with started to get a little flirty with me. He asked me once if I was "married or anything" and all I said was something weird about being too young or too poor to be married. I never gave a concise answer because I didn't want to deter his attention. When I knew he was walking behind me in the hallway, part of me would want to walk a little faster, to get away.. while another part wanted to slow down and let him catch up. I was acting unlike myself and feeling incredibly guilty for it (Aug. 26th update). The more time passed, the more I was soaking up this attention that I wasn't getting at home. I realized there had to be a reason for me to feel this way, and decided I'd had enough.
When I talked to Mitch about it, he said that I was giving up and that he wanted to try and work it out. I told him I was tired of trying to work it out.. because it only made things worse. When I'd bring something up, he'd think I was picking on him, and then that would be it. He'd get the wrong idea about what I was trying to say, and shut down, leaving us both worse for wear. I couldn't take it anymore and told him I was leaving. The next day I took what was necessary and moved back home.
At work the flirting continued.. and a few weeks later when it was clear that I was single, he made his move. The first time I saw him out of work I knew we weren't compatible, but for some reason that wasn't enough. People who got to know me didn't think it was a good idea. People who knew him told him not to screw it up. I couldn't tell you how many people warned me I was on the rebound, but I can tell you that I certainly didn't think it was true.
We started spending more and more time together, and I always thought I was trying to talk myself out of it.. when I realize now.. I was actually trying to talk myself into it. I was telling myself that our differences didn't matter, his past didn't matter, etc.. when really a red flag was going up, telling me to take a second look at what I was getting myself into.
We spent a lot of time together, but it was more about the company that anything else. We wanted someone around us.
Meanwhile every now and then I would go to the apartment to get some of my things.. and if I did manage to take something I would get depressed looking at the space it left. More often than not I would just sit there, looking at 'our' place.
People would ask me if he was trying to get back together.. and that always made me feel worse.. because I knew that although that's what he'd want to do, he wouldn't because he respected my decision. We talked a few times, but he never called me except to tell me when his sister in law had her baby. I had seen him only twice up until the end of December. Once shortly after we broke up, and again when I went to see the baby in October.
On the 19th of December, I called Mitch to wish him a happy birthday. When I got off the phone, I was hysterical. It was the first time I really faced how much I missed him. The next day he called to wish my a happy birthday. Later that night I called him back to suggest we go for a birthday supper.. he wasn't home, so I left a message.
After work, the following day, I decided to go directly to the apartment instead of to my parents place. I didn't have my cell phone on me to see if he got my message and/or to tell him that I was coming. There was no answer at the door, but the TV was on, so I let myself in. I heard the shower running and went to the door to tell him I was there. I sat on the couch waiting while he went from the shower to get dressed. I heard the bedroom door open and before I knew it, I was on my feet running down the hall.
He looked so mystified when he saw me, tears streaming down my face. I gave him a hug, and he asked me what was wrong. I started to tell him how much I'd missed him, that I loved him, that I would always love him... that I wanted to try again. He started to cry, and told me he loved me, that he's sorry he took me for granted, and that he knows he should have opened up more. He said that he tried to stop himself from loving me, and to be angry because it was easier than being sad.. but couldn't. I asked if he'd be willing to give it another go.. and he said, "you're not messing with me are you? Because I've had that dream, before. I wake up all smiley and then I realize, 'hey, that's not my life!'" Right then I realized that I'd been trying so hard to make myself believe he was terrible, that I forgot just how incredible he is.
We decided our start-over date would be January first.
I can't even tell you how many people told me we'd get back together, and I wouldn't really want to. Being wrong is one thing, but having everyone else be right, stinks. I think the only two people who thought it was really over, were Mitch and I. We both truely believe that this is what we needed. This time apart has made us realize without any doubt, how much we do love one another.. and that we need to be grateful for what we have.
Dad cried when I told him, and asked if he could be the one to tell Mom. Mom told me later that he said it was the best Christmas gift, ever. I told them I felt awful for all the horrible things I'd said.. and was reassured that they'd been there, they knew where it was coming from.
On the 22nd of December, the day after Mitch and I went for supper, it was time to take care of the guy from work. I did far more explaining than necessary considering we were never dating, and it was agreed that it was never going anywhere... He actually said that he just liked having someone liking him.. which is exactly what I thought. So it was good. For a while, anyway.
This is where the January 4th post, comes in. This guy later went on to say that my going for supper with Mitch and hiding it from him, constituted as cheating. Now, I don't know how telling someone something the very next day after it happens, is hiding it... and I definitely don't know where he came up with his definition of cheating. He also said that I wasn't trustworthy, and that he had lied.
That aside, everything has worked out beautifully and Mitchel and I are more in love than ever.
Mitchel and I were having some problems. The problems themselves weren't that big of a deal; it was our inability to discuss them.
I've always been the kind of person that likes to talk things over, get them out in the open, and Mitch is the kind of person who keeps everything inside and unendingly stresses. It was getting to the point that I was afraid to say anything for fear that he'd get upset and go through his lock-down. This frustrated the crap out of both of us; my wanting to talk, and his shutting down. It got to where we became ultra sensitive to one another, always insulted and frustrated.
I had just started my new job at SRC, and that kept me distracted enough that I didn't think much about the situation with Mitch and I. Then before I knew it, this guy I work with started to get a little flirty with me. He asked me once if I was "married or anything" and all I said was something weird about being too young or too poor to be married. I never gave a concise answer because I didn't want to deter his attention. When I knew he was walking behind me in the hallway, part of me would want to walk a little faster, to get away.. while another part wanted to slow down and let him catch up. I was acting unlike myself and feeling incredibly guilty for it (Aug. 26th update). The more time passed, the more I was soaking up this attention that I wasn't getting at home. I realized there had to be a reason for me to feel this way, and decided I'd had enough.
When I talked to Mitch about it, he said that I was giving up and that he wanted to try and work it out. I told him I was tired of trying to work it out.. because it only made things worse. When I'd bring something up, he'd think I was picking on him, and then that would be it. He'd get the wrong idea about what I was trying to say, and shut down, leaving us both worse for wear. I couldn't take it anymore and told him I was leaving. The next day I took what was necessary and moved back home.
At work the flirting continued.. and a few weeks later when it was clear that I was single, he made his move. The first time I saw him out of work I knew we weren't compatible, but for some reason that wasn't enough. People who got to know me didn't think it was a good idea. People who knew him told him not to screw it up. I couldn't tell you how many people warned me I was on the rebound, but I can tell you that I certainly didn't think it was true.
We started spending more and more time together, and I always thought I was trying to talk myself out of it.. when I realize now.. I was actually trying to talk myself into it. I was telling myself that our differences didn't matter, his past didn't matter, etc.. when really a red flag was going up, telling me to take a second look at what I was getting myself into.
We spent a lot of time together, but it was more about the company that anything else. We wanted someone around us.
Meanwhile every now and then I would go to the apartment to get some of my things.. and if I did manage to take something I would get depressed looking at the space it left. More often than not I would just sit there, looking at 'our' place.
People would ask me if he was trying to get back together.. and that always made me feel worse.. because I knew that although that's what he'd want to do, he wouldn't because he respected my decision. We talked a few times, but he never called me except to tell me when his sister in law had her baby. I had seen him only twice up until the end of December. Once shortly after we broke up, and again when I went to see the baby in October.
On the 19th of December, I called Mitch to wish him a happy birthday. When I got off the phone, I was hysterical. It was the first time I really faced how much I missed him. The next day he called to wish my a happy birthday. Later that night I called him back to suggest we go for a birthday supper.. he wasn't home, so I left a message.
After work, the following day, I decided to go directly to the apartment instead of to my parents place. I didn't have my cell phone on me to see if he got my message and/or to tell him that I was coming. There was no answer at the door, but the TV was on, so I let myself in. I heard the shower running and went to the door to tell him I was there. I sat on the couch waiting while he went from the shower to get dressed. I heard the bedroom door open and before I knew it, I was on my feet running down the hall.
He looked so mystified when he saw me, tears streaming down my face. I gave him a hug, and he asked me what was wrong. I started to tell him how much I'd missed him, that I loved him, that I would always love him... that I wanted to try again. He started to cry, and told me he loved me, that he's sorry he took me for granted, and that he knows he should have opened up more. He said that he tried to stop himself from loving me, and to be angry because it was easier than being sad.. but couldn't. I asked if he'd be willing to give it another go.. and he said, "you're not messing with me are you? Because I've had that dream, before. I wake up all smiley and then I realize, 'hey, that's not my life!'" Right then I realized that I'd been trying so hard to make myself believe he was terrible, that I forgot just how incredible he is.
We decided our start-over date would be January first.
I can't even tell you how many people told me we'd get back together, and I wouldn't really want to. Being wrong is one thing, but having everyone else be right, stinks. I think the only two people who thought it was really over, were Mitch and I. We both truely believe that this is what we needed. This time apart has made us realize without any doubt, how much we do love one another.. and that we need to be grateful for what we have.
Dad cried when I told him, and asked if he could be the one to tell Mom. Mom told me later that he said it was the best Christmas gift, ever. I told them I felt awful for all the horrible things I'd said.. and was reassured that they'd been there, they knew where it was coming from.
On the 22nd of December, the day after Mitch and I went for supper, it was time to take care of the guy from work. I did far more explaining than necessary considering we were never dating, and it was agreed that it was never going anywhere... He actually said that he just liked having someone liking him.. which is exactly what I thought. So it was good. For a while, anyway.
This is where the January 4th post, comes in. This guy later went on to say that my going for supper with Mitch and hiding it from him, constituted as cheating. Now, I don't know how telling someone something the very next day after it happens, is hiding it... and I definitely don't know where he came up with his definition of cheating. He also said that I wasn't trustworthy, and that he had lied.
That aside, everything has worked out beautifully and Mitchel and I are more in love than ever.