This is more difficult than it ...should be.
I'm having a really hard time getting my life in order. After my complete collapse last year I've had a hard time finding any reason to do ANYTHING. Depression, lack of self-confidence, and last but certainly not least, a heaping dose of nihilism have made it really hard for me to accomplish any goals that I've made for myself, or even be interested in them... I got a 2.7, DROPPED 3 ranks on Groovestats, despite making an "effort" to improve, read practically nothing, and kind of sort of made some progress on stepchart making. While I could easily spin this in such a light as to sound that I was fairly or reasonably productive or admit to a degree that I wasn't as productive in the past as I remember...I can say with certainty that I am not as proud of the end results of this quarter as I have been with practically every other quarter since high school (we're so not counting last year's mental breakdown)
I'm kind of going through the motions of trying to be a student or an athlete or DDR player or ANYTHING that will make me feel like a productive, useful human being, but it's more like taking meds. I know how bad I'll be if I don't do these things, but I no longer feel great (or even good) doing them. I'm finding it harder to dream about anything or imagine a future where I'm doing anything of significance, something I've always passionately feared/fought and certainly vowed never to succumb to, and yet, while I'm still resisting the drag into "mainstream" living...I feel far more numb than I'd like about it. I'm not nearly as determined or disturbed about the issue as I know I should be or even how I want to be.
More and more I feel the need to be accepted and appreciated and not bothered, and I think this HAS to have something to do with it. I can no longer just tell people who start fights with me to fuck off and die, which is very rightfully what I should do. I don't know WHAT it is about me or my personality, but even when I'm being as nice as I know how to be and putting in a very determined effort to be diplomatic or nice, even friendly, people rarely see me as any of these things, and for reasons COMPLETELY beyond me...often feel the need to backstab me, gossip about me, or start fights with me. Sorting that stuff out takes time and energy and simply confuses me/makes me insecure for long periods of time that I COULD be spending doing things. Some reteach me how to have balls and start punching these assholes in the face like I did in high school. No more compromises, no more diplomacy, no more "maybe that guy (who I've never met in my life) has a point about how I live my life".
I need to be me and feel proud of that fact. I thought last year that possibly if more people liked me I WOULD feel proud of myself, but people are never going to like me, and if I have to change myself or even think about doing so in order to get that security, then something's already wrong.
It's a bit of a cycle, I have to do things to impress myself so that I can have the confidence to do impressive things.
I'll just have to keep working on that.
I'm kind of going through the motions of trying to be a student or an athlete or DDR player or ANYTHING that will make me feel like a productive, useful human being, but it's more like taking meds. I know how bad I'll be if I don't do these things, but I no longer feel great (or even good) doing them. I'm finding it harder to dream about anything or imagine a future where I'm doing anything of significance, something I've always passionately feared/fought and certainly vowed never to succumb to, and yet, while I'm still resisting the drag into "mainstream" living...I feel far more numb than I'd like about it. I'm not nearly as determined or disturbed about the issue as I know I should be or even how I want to be.
More and more I feel the need to be accepted and appreciated and not bothered, and I think this HAS to have something to do with it. I can no longer just tell people who start fights with me to fuck off and die, which is very rightfully what I should do. I don't know WHAT it is about me or my personality, but even when I'm being as nice as I know how to be and putting in a very determined effort to be diplomatic or nice, even friendly, people rarely see me as any of these things, and for reasons COMPLETELY beyond me...often feel the need to backstab me, gossip about me, or start fights with me. Sorting that stuff out takes time and energy and simply confuses me/makes me insecure for long periods of time that I COULD be spending doing things. Some reteach me how to have balls and start punching these assholes in the face like I did in high school. No more compromises, no more diplomacy, no more "maybe that guy (who I've never met in my life) has a point about how I live my life".
I need to be me and feel proud of that fact. I thought last year that possibly if more people liked me I WOULD feel proud of myself, but people are never going to like me, and if I have to change myself or even think about doing so in order to get that security, then something's already wrong.
It's a bit of a cycle, I have to do things to impress myself so that I can have the confidence to do impressive things.
I'll just have to keep working on that.