OSC.Suicide
I've recently hit on the two most important elements of re-establishing myself. Now that I've dealt with my...psychosis and am basically not in danger of doing anything particularly stupid, I can think straight again, and that is really helpful. I've been slowly piecing my philosophy back together again and figuring out what's important to me, and in that process I've noticed what's missing, but only very recently have I realized what two simple things are going to make 75% of the difference for me and my well being.
First.
I need to get involved in activities where I can demonstrate noticeable improvements. Even though my world view has changed and I'll never be able to really find these activities as important the way they once were to me, it's important for my self-image that I be improving as a human being, just because if I'm not improving, I really don't gain any confidence from any of my past accomplishments either...And I really need that if I'm going to be self-supportive, which brings me to point two.
I'm not taking people's shit anymore/again. When college started I blank slated and decided to be more "humble" and "adapt" to other people's desires of me, which included not being an "asshole". Fuck that. I'm an asshole, and so are 80% of the people I've met online. Deal with it or don't. Biting sarcasm, deep cynicism, and taking things seriously is the only way I can deal with the rather constant criticisms and setbacks that have been plaguing me, my relationships, and my family since I turned 13. I've noticed that being a "nicer" guy and "toning down" my more "extreme" behaviors does nothing to assuage these circumstances, and it just leaves me with the burden of not doing what is in my nature to do which is to say:
"Those of you who think you know me because I came to some dancing game tournaments... you don't know me. We aren't close enough to be friends just because we went to a few parties or because we competed at a tournament. You don't know about me or my life or my experiences except what I share with you, and if I've bonded with you, you'll know it, otherwise it's safe to assume (unless I say otherwise) that when it comes to how I live my life...I don't require your feedback, I don't fucking want your feedback, and unless you're interested in pursuing a friendship, (and let's be serious here, aside from Justin, Ian, and Blake, who in this community regularly communicates with me?) you can fuck yourself with your opinions of how I live my life or perceive it... PARTICULARLY if you like to espouse a know it all, elitist attitude and a 'everyone can do their own thing except for you, you're wrong' philosophy. Fuck IHYD, fuck your witty little reversals and your smug 'everyone's hypocritical and stupid but me, oh wait I love you all' HORSE SHIT. I'm done with ITG, many people are, I don't hate you but unless you want to hang out, I want you to leave me alone. Just so that it's very fucking clear. Either let's be friends and get to know each other and hang out OR de-friend me online, don't listen to whatever it is about my entries and rants that annoys you, and let me do my thing in peace so that we can both be happy."
Not getting this type of shit off my chest is precisely what drags me into despair and causes me to lash out randomly for reasons beyond me. I'd rather be "dramatic" by other people's standards than psychotic by my own.
I'm going to get my life back on track and get back into my flow even if that means "ignoring those who would get in my way" or dealing with them over-aggressively.
This is who I am.
First.
I need to get involved in activities where I can demonstrate noticeable improvements. Even though my world view has changed and I'll never be able to really find these activities as important the way they once were to me, it's important for my self-image that I be improving as a human being, just because if I'm not improving, I really don't gain any confidence from any of my past accomplishments either...And I really need that if I'm going to be self-supportive, which brings me to point two.
I'm not taking people's shit anymore/again. When college started I blank slated and decided to be more "humble" and "adapt" to other people's desires of me, which included not being an "asshole". Fuck that. I'm an asshole, and so are 80% of the people I've met online. Deal with it or don't. Biting sarcasm, deep cynicism, and taking things seriously is the only way I can deal with the rather constant criticisms and setbacks that have been plaguing me, my relationships, and my family since I turned 13. I've noticed that being a "nicer" guy and "toning down" my more "extreme" behaviors does nothing to assuage these circumstances, and it just leaves me with the burden of not doing what is in my nature to do which is to say:
"Those of you who think you know me because I came to some dancing game tournaments... you don't know me. We aren't close enough to be friends just because we went to a few parties or because we competed at a tournament. You don't know about me or my life or my experiences except what I share with you, and if I've bonded with you, you'll know it, otherwise it's safe to assume (unless I say otherwise) that when it comes to how I live my life...I don't require your feedback, I don't fucking want your feedback, and unless you're interested in pursuing a friendship, (and let's be serious here, aside from Justin, Ian, and Blake, who in this community regularly communicates with me?) you can fuck yourself with your opinions of how I live my life or perceive it... PARTICULARLY if you like to espouse a know it all, elitist attitude and a 'everyone can do their own thing except for you, you're wrong' philosophy. Fuck IHYD, fuck your witty little reversals and your smug 'everyone's hypocritical and stupid but me, oh wait I love you all' HORSE SHIT. I'm done with ITG, many people are, I don't hate you but unless you want to hang out, I want you to leave me alone. Just so that it's very fucking clear. Either let's be friends and get to know each other and hang out OR de-friend me online, don't listen to whatever it is about my entries and rants that annoys you, and let me do my thing in peace so that we can both be happy."
Not getting this type of shit off my chest is precisely what drags me into despair and causes me to lash out randomly for reasons beyond me. I'd rather be "dramatic" by other people's standards than psychotic by my own.
I'm going to get my life back on track and get back into my flow even if that means "ignoring those who would get in my way" or dealing with them over-aggressively.
This is who I am.