this is my surreal life
Surreal Life on VH1 is a great show. I don't normally watch it, but when I do, I can't help but get this mixture of feelings including, but not limited to, amusement, horror, pity, and fond nostalgia. To have fallen so far behind the 15 Minutes Parade that these C and D-Listers call "Life" and "Food" that they would agree to be on a show with all those in their same league, it takes a certain amount of balls. I remember seeing the first Surreal Life on WB, and I was like, Why is that Real World Vegas dirty slut Trishelle on another show? !! And then the first one with Corey Feldman, and MC Hammer. MC HAMMER!!!!!!!! And the 56 year old high school student Andrea Zuckerman from 90210!
I'm deciding whether I would ever do something like this if my meager attempts at Fame led to an actual 15 Minutes of Infamosity. I guess I'll have to get to the Fame part first.
Anyway, my own Surreal Life would go beyond the C and Ds of Hollywood and go straight to those who had to opted for P/NP, still failed, got put on AP (Academic Probation for you straight shooters), then got kicked out of the academia that is the Media Radar.
Iyanla Vanzant is an ordained Yoruba Princess. Yeah, see?
Remember when Oprah was all over her balls a few years ago and black folks were all, Man, we've known about her for so long, for reals. Even when it was clear her books never sold, and when they did, it was in the Clearance Carts by the exits of Borders and given to elderly parents and one of your co-worker's daughter who was going off to college and you wanted to be nice? And then white people got all into her too because a lot of "hip" "modern" "open-minded" Americans think Oprah is their bridge to being all-encompassing and cultured. And then the black people got all mad and were all, No, she is ours!!! This back and forth went on for a while, but in the end, her self help books didn't really helpe people as much as Oprah raved they would. She is now teaching workshops for The Learning Annex, the gentle retirement home for many Supernova Gurus.
I sent Elian Gonzalez fan mail.
If Elian was a slant-eyed burnt-skinneded Cambodian girl, he would not have gotten this kind of attention. When was the last time a half-dying Oriental floating on a wooden raft drifting lazily towards USA got media attention of any kind? I'll tell you. NEVER. But since Elian was this cute little boy and his mama done died on the currogated siding that used to be the roof of their squatter home cum raft, and because the US has this really weird sadomasochistic relationship with Cuba that sometimes involves bestiality and I think even scatting but I really don't want to get into that right now, all of a sudden, even Michael Jackson was clamoring to be all up Elian's jock. I just hope he is a hottie when he's older, because with his level of childhood fame, statistics point to him growing up to be fat, ugly and unwanted.
No, Susan Powter did not sing Sweet Dreams.
She let the world know that if you are a fattie, but want to look like an Annie Lennox/Roxette-looking European Dominatrix, you totally can!!! All you have to do is: Stop The Insanity!!!. Yeah. She was like this crazy wild-eyed hyper fitness queen straight graduated from the Richard Simmons School of Hyper Manicness and I think what she did, if anything, was scare fat people into staying big and unhealthy. The rising rate of obesity in America? Look no further than Susan Powter for this travesty. For the record, she went from being that eurodominatrix into Pink after she started working with Linda Perry and turned all dyke and lesbian on us. No, I'm serious. Click this..
John Edwards was not just a failed democratic presidential nominee.
He was the hugest thing in supernaturality. Even Slimer was leaving protoplasm on his bedspread!! And I do not blame him!!! He looked like an 80s porno superstar without the moustache, and jumped around on stage paranormally calling your dead mama on his supernatural cell and telling you that your dog was barking and your parrot was saying "What's up!!" and that your dead mama knew you were gay even when you were 10 and even though she is dead, she does not blame you for ruining her favorite pillow with your jizz stain but still does not accept you for who you are so next time you are in doggy style, remember she is looking at you disapprovingly. What? For me "crossing over" meant going from straight to gay. Well, with the way US Government Policy is nowadays, you'd swear we gays were fearsome beastly monsters or unseen invisible creepy ghosts.
The Emancipation of Mimi
Before Mariah had her first #1 album since she got her boob job, there was the real Mimi. I still say she should have been the spokeswoman for MAC Cosmetics. She couldn't be any worse than Lil Kim, right? I give her huge props though, because better than Xtina's all-white and not particularly all-inclusive preach-a-thon video for Beautiful, Mimi, real name Kathy Kinney, forcefed us that beauty can come in different packages, even plastic ones where the nutritional value is all 355 calories per meager serving, and the bag has like 5 servings but of course me being a glutton, I eat all in one serving. Boo. I always do this!!! Anyway, I digress... Mimi was like that bitter/jaded queen who became a female impersonator because that was the only way she would ever be able to flirt with even halfway-decent gay boys without either getting 1) spit at, 2) laughed at, or 3) slapped silly.
Sisqo did the Thong Song.
This flaming troll was part of that "cutting edge" R&B boy band. They were like more hardcore than Jodeci and better lovers than Boyz II Men, but like the fat guy and those two others who didn't sing but looked alike in the group never got their dues. The annoying 3'11 frontman did all the singing and dancing and Surfing USA poses. He was too trendy. He dyed his African roots platinum, got a BELLY TATTOO (boy must he regret that now!) and like, sang the most annoying song ever but one you can't help but dance too when it plays at clubs, which it never really does anymore, except when the DJ is unimaginative and you find it your duty to have to request the right songs every 20 minutes or else the dance floor perpetually empties itself out. I believe his goal was to out-Prince Prince, while retaining street credibility like a Soldier, but I don't know, it didn't work. I will be the first to admit I bought his CD.