Until

Jun 13, 2010 11:46

"And would you wait, if war tore me away and drank the hot ( Read more... )

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harlotbug3 June 15 2010, 17:49:04 UTC
[There are some screws you could tighten here. They’re not on thumbs for the most part]

"And would you wait, if war tore me away and drank the hot
crimson of my body?"

"... like a grove with no gardener--
bearing rotting fruit [until warped and forgotten=unnecessary]?"

"[Like=consider just how well this ‘like’ works with the one before it] a devout matron whose soldier has passed too soon."

"If you were to fall, I would be an unfettered beast."

"(soft) -- to remain in familiar pastures?"

"Until I saw sweet valleys and heard clear water [beyond=try a specific like over the mountains or beyond the forest].
The wild winds would beguile me with their promises and remind me
that my blood boils [within=either within what* or assume that’s where blood usually is]."

"Yet... do you not love me?"

"(tender) I love you now, as I loved others once. [As I could love again.=really uncertain about this. It almost undermines the entire thing.]"

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oryginal_skin August 14 2010, 16:49:11 UTC
Hmm... I deliberately repeated the "like" so to more greatly emphasize the verbal dance of the two writers. Do you think it doesn't work well enough?

I LOVE your suggestion of removing "within". :-)

I'm not sure about the last line myself. Ima think about it for a while.

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