[There are some screws you could tighten here. They’re not on thumbs for the most part]
"And would you wait, if war tore me away and drank the hot crimson of my body?"
"... like a grove with no gardener-- bearing rotting fruit [until warped and forgotten=unnecessary]?"
"[Like=consider just how well this ‘like’ works with the one before it] a devout matron whose soldier has passed too soon."
"If you were to fall, I would be an unfettered beast."
"(soft) -- to remain in familiar pastures?"
"Until I saw sweet valleys and heard clear water [beyond=try a specific like over the mountains or beyond the forest]. The wild winds would beguile me with their promises and remind me that my blood boils [within=either within what* or assume that’s where blood usually is]."
"Yet... do you not love me?"
"(tender) I love you now, as I loved others once. [As I could love again.=really uncertain about this. It almost undermines the entire thing.]"
"And would you wait, if war tore me away and drank the hot
crimson of my body?"
"... like a grove with no gardener--
bearing rotting fruit [until warped and forgotten=unnecessary]?"
"[Like=consider just how well this ‘like’ works with the one before it] a devout matron whose soldier has passed too soon."
"If you were to fall, I would be an unfettered beast."
"(soft) -- to remain in familiar pastures?"
"Until I saw sweet valleys and heard clear water [beyond=try a specific like over the mountains or beyond the forest].
The wild winds would beguile me with their promises and remind me
that my blood boils [within=either within what* or assume that’s where blood usually is]."
"Yet... do you not love me?"
"(tender) I love you now, as I loved others once. [As I could love again.=really uncertain about this. It almost undermines the entire thing.]"
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I LOVE your suggestion of removing "within". :-)
I'm not sure about the last line myself. Ima think about it for a while.
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