"Harbor"
Prelio awoke slowly, confused for a moment to see his own image staring back at him from the pool of water in front of him. The hush and roll of the waves behind him whispered a gentle hymnal, calling him back home. Sickening, rolling pain closed is eyes for a moment, and he lowered his cheek down to rest on the barnacle-covered rocks. He lay
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“Prelio awoke slowly, confused for a moment to see his own image staring back at him from the pool of water in front of him.”
-This line repeats “[preposition] him” twice, and the result is kind of awkward. I suggest taking out “at him” and just having it be: “... confused for a moment to see his own image staring back from ...”
“Sickening, rolling pain closed is eyes for a moment,”
-“his”
“His soul, however, instinctively know that this was not a good place to die. “
-“knew”
“Groaning, Prelio opened his eyes and looked around. Lying several feet in front of him, he was surprised a most unusual object. Wedged between two crags of rock, it was round, a creature perhaps, and of brilliant coloration.”
-Every sentence in this paragraph starts with a verb. Could you maybe switch it up by rewording one of the sentences?
“Lying several feet in front of him, he was surprised a most unusual object.”
-This is an awkward sentence, even ignoring the grammatical error “he was surprised by.” This is another one I suggest rewording, maybe changing it to: “He was surprised by a most unusual object lying several feet in front of him.”
“Prelio shook his head free of these thoughts, taking a moment to assess his condition.”
-If his fiancée just died the day before, it seems too soon for him to be able to simply shake his head free of the memory. Most people wouldn’t be able to be so matter-of-fact after an experience like that, even if the person they watched die was just a stranger. I’d at least want to have him think about it a bit and maybe show a more of an emotional reaction.
Overall impression:
I thought this was a solid, enjoyable piece. I’m curious about where Prelio came from and just what kind of a world he is in now. The way he relates to it seems to say he’s very much out of his element.
As a suggestion, I think showing a bit more of what happened during the storm that wrecked the boat would help strengthen the story. Right now all we know of it is what we’re told straight through Prelio, and it isn’t much. Even if it were just a few lines in the beginning, maybe of Prelio’s thoughts racing during his final moments with his fiancée, I think it would be a more natural kind of exposition.
I really liked Prelio’s method of magic; it seems natural. Rather than being convoluted, mysterious, or not explained at all as magical powers are in some stories, the way you wrote it makes me feel that anyone could summon up magic. It was a simple but powerful description.
Hope this edit helped! Let me know if you have any questions.
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I didn't like this piece at all, even as I finished writing it. It think it begs an awful lot, and while something this unusual should be superbly written, I don't know that I was up to the challenge. It's just too unusual to capture the way I tried to.
I do like how I handled the magic as well. I think that's the gem I should take out of this: Write more stuff like that part.
This edit was extremely helpful, and thank you so much! I'm going to have to think about this for a bit before I tackle another piece.
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