"Harbor"

[oryginal_skin]

Prelio awoke slowly, confused for a moment to see his own image staring back at him from the pool of water in front of him.  The hush and roll of the waves behind him whispered a gentle hymnal, calling him back home.  Sickening, rolling pain closed is eyes for a moment, and he lowered his cheek down to rest on the barnacle-covered rocks.  He lay

Comments

Re: Hello from one of your editors!

[fawatson]

General

I found this an intriguing piece, which drew me in and left me wanting more. There is a surreal quality to your writing which nicely reflects the disorientation of the protagonist (excellent). It is ‘mood’ piece, rather than a plot driven story, and this added to the effect. You have not used the prompt specifically but the concept is clearly underpinning the entire story (good).

Specific

In all the examples below I have quoted your words first in italics and then followed immediately with my suggestions.

His soul, however, instinctively know that
Should be: His soul, however, instinctively knew that (typo)

Lying several feet in front of him, he was surprised a most unusual object.
Try: Lying several feet in front of him was a strange object. (style)

He stared at it cautiously, willing awake.
Try either: He stared at it cautiously, willing it to wake.
Or: He stared at it cautiously, willing himself to stay awake. (not sure of your meaning here)

tunic and pants had been torn and ruined by the ocean water.
Try: tunic and pants had been torn - ruined by the ocean water. (greater emphasis)

he was ungrievously wounded
“ungrievously” sounds awkward (and I am not sure there is such a word); is there something else you can use that means the same?

Then the night overtook him once more, his will broke, and he collapsed to the shore.
It’s not incorrect but I found “broke” jarred. Why not try: Then the night overtook him once more. His will broken, he collapsed to the shore.

Effective imagery

It grew restless inside his chest and struggled within his heart, breaking the hushing spell of the sea.

Re: Hello from one of your editors!

[oryginal_skin]

This is wonderful -- thank you so much. Your suggested changes are especially valuable. I wish I'd thought of those wordings. :-)

Did you get that it was a beach ball when you read it?

Re: Hello from one of your editors!

[fawatson]

I wondered if that was it (how silly he'll feel when he realises). This really is a lovely piece.