"Harbor"

Sep 12, 2010 10:07

Prelio awoke slowly, confused for a moment to see his own image staring back at him from the pool of water in front of him.  The hush and roll of the waves behind him whispered a gentle hymnal, calling him back home.  Sickening, rolling pain closed is eyes for a moment, and he lowered his cheek down to rest on the barnacle-covered rocks.  He lay ( Read more... )

prelio

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ROAR Feedback, Part 2 thaneofcawdor September 14 2010, 16:06:30 UTC
...

Memories of the day before began to fill his mind: a greenish, foreboding sky. A violent storm that tossed their boat and caused them to lose all bearings in the sea. The wave that tossed Ama, his betrothed, into the churning waters. His brave (and stupid) leap into the water after her. Their hands meeting one last time as the boat lurched away... [Ellipsis/”dot dot dot” is always three dots and never any more or less.]

Prelio shook his head free of these thoughts, taking a moment to assess his condition. His leather tunic and pants had been torn and ruined by the ocean water. Cuts, scrapes, and sores covered his body, but miraculously, he was ungrievously not grievously wounded. He touched his head gently, feeling the deep gashes on the top and at the base of his neck. It had been a long night.

A breeze passed by, and the object in front of him began to shift back and forth. Prelio considered it a moment: it was, perhaps, a jellyfish, urchin, or other sea creature washed up on shore. It may also be have been some species of hermit crab, adorning a bright shell. [“Adorning” means “decorating”; a hermit crab couldn’t decorate a bright shell, but a bright shell might decorate a hermit crab. A better word to use here would be “sporting.” However, if you are trying to communicate that the colours are adorning the shell, you could change the sentence order to, “It may have been the shell of some species of hermit crab, adorned with bright colours.”]

(The rest was fine.)

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Re: ROAR Feedback, Part 2 oryginal_skin September 17 2010, 17:41:12 UTC
Goodness, what a wonderful review! Thank you so much for this-- you've really given me a lot to think about for when I revise this, and also when I write the continuation. I appreciate this very much!

It's possible for an ellipsis to be followed by a period, creating four dots. See this wikipedia article:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellipsis

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