I feel like I'm missing something-
It has been awhile since I have had a good friend, or a friend at all really. It seems as though throughout my entire life, even as a child, I never had close friends. The kind you could consider a "best friend", I never had somebody that close. Therefore I have always been very introverted and therefore very self-centered, but not in the narcissistic sort of way. I feel like I have lived my life alone and that I will always live my life alone. I will have nobody to share my life with, my ideas, dreams, aspirations, anything really. I don't know if this is because I am incapable of loving or being loved. In the very brief periods of time where I was in a situation where I had closeness I feel that I was very capable of loving and being loved. it is one of the greatest pleasures of life for me to be able to share myself with those who I care about. unfortunately I haven't been with that many people that i am able to fully care about, or rather, I care but they don't and I just can't keep giving when there is no respect or regard for what i am offering. It seems that this happens more often that not.
Anyhow, I am just rambling so I will talk about something else. I have moved into a house in a nifty little town called carmichael. it is a three bedroom house and only my room mate and I live there for the time being. I have been officially living there for the past three weeks and it is a blast. My rent is 225 dollars less per month than my shitty one bedroom apartment that I had lived in for the past year and a half. The crazy thing is that I now have probably something like three or four times as much space as I used to have. And on top of having that much space in the house I also have access to another house kind of building that I can use exclusively as a studio. How awesome is that. So I am very happy about that situation. But going back to the previous rant, I find that i have this happiness but I feel that it is more important that I share this happiness with others. i want to have somebody close that I can share this place with so that they can have a part of it as well. I would really like my friend amanda to be a part of it so I offrered that she could pick a part of the house to make as her own space because it would be fun and I want her to be happy because she is the closest person to me right now. I don't care is she is or isn't my girlfriend or whatever, I just want her to be happy. I have recently made a new friend and I feel that I can become close to her as well, I kind of like her but I kind of doubt that she would ever like me, i only assume that because that is usually the case when I like somebody. But she is really nice and fun and I can see us sharing lots of things that would make us happy. one of those thing being our love for records because we both love to collect and listen to records. I am just really sad because we only just recently became friends and once school gets out she is going to move back home for the summer and that will make it so I can't share as much with her. I really want to have somebody to be close with. I don't think that I will ever find that person. I should hopefully some day just say "fuck it, i'm gonna climb back into my shell and never come out ever again." So yeah, that is all. I needed to rant. it is good sometimes, even if it is about pointless and stupid and trivial things.
Anyhow, I am just rambling so I will talk about something else. I have moved into a house in a nifty little town called carmichael. it is a three bedroom house and only my room mate and I live there for the time being. I have been officially living there for the past three weeks and it is a blast. My rent is 225 dollars less per month than my shitty one bedroom apartment that I had lived in for the past year and a half. The crazy thing is that I now have probably something like three or four times as much space as I used to have. And on top of having that much space in the house I also have access to another house kind of building that I can use exclusively as a studio. How awesome is that. So I am very happy about that situation. But going back to the previous rant, I find that i have this happiness but I feel that it is more important that I share this happiness with others. i want to have somebody close that I can share this place with so that they can have a part of it as well. I would really like my friend amanda to be a part of it so I offrered that she could pick a part of the house to make as her own space because it would be fun and I want her to be happy because she is the closest person to me right now. I don't care is she is or isn't my girlfriend or whatever, I just want her to be happy. I have recently made a new friend and I feel that I can become close to her as well, I kind of like her but I kind of doubt that she would ever like me, i only assume that because that is usually the case when I like somebody. But she is really nice and fun and I can see us sharing lots of things that would make us happy. one of those thing being our love for records because we both love to collect and listen to records. I am just really sad because we only just recently became friends and once school gets out she is going to move back home for the summer and that will make it so I can't share as much with her. I really want to have somebody to be close with. I don't think that I will ever find that person. I should hopefully some day just say "fuck it, i'm gonna climb back into my shell and never come out ever again." So yeah, that is all. I needed to rant. it is good sometimes, even if it is about pointless and stupid and trivial things.