the Last Watch, a death vigil
First off for those who were worried, Cumi is better. I still suspect thyroid problems but he is back to normal for his high strung feline self. Second, I have not been writing here much due to being super busy.
Below the cut are my impressions from a death vigil I have been taking part in for a patient. Cut for length and squick factor for descriptions of medical procedures.
I cannot say that death and I are friends like Leilah Wendell or that I serve it directly as an embalmer, pathologist or Anubis priest would, but I have been aware of it since an early age. I have never seen it as terrible or offensive, though obviously I am not as inured to it as some folks I know *cough Solo cough*.
As a child my parents Episcopal church sent people over to a pretty awful local nursing home called Iliff. It was a state run facility that the Church adopted and sent gifts. Yearly all the kids in Choir went caroling through the halls there. My first year, I was told that it would smell bad and that the people there might not know who we were or why we were there. We were told not to panic if someone reached for us as they didn't mean to hurt us. I was scared at first, but I realized very fast how sad, lonely and forlorn these poor people were. When someone reached out to me, I held their hand even if it was a crippled claw and tried to send comfort to them. From some I noticed a bluish silver glow and a skull visible under their skin. I learned later that that usually means they are close to death.
Later working at my job I met a lot of really awesome elderly people that I have come to care for deeply. Sometimes they die, and I am thankful that my abilities and my training have made me able to act as a guide and psychopomp for them. Sometimes their timing sucks...I have had a ghost ask to be laid to rest at 2am on a work day and had to smudge, drum, rattle and chant for an hour before going back to bed. It is rather like being a public servant without the parking benefits!
I first met Lynne as the girlfriend of our computer guy at the office. Lynne is a lovely redhead in her 80s who had mild dementia when I first met her that got progressively worse over time. The computer guy, Tom is an intense former prison guard with a Masters in economics who has a lot of training in Eastern mysticism. He and Lynne had gotten together after her first husband died, when Tom had a vision directing him to save her from an abusive situation. Lynne had dementia and eye problems but that was about it.
About a month ago, Lynne had gotten more and more severely demented. In the middle of the night she got into the medicine cabinet and took a huge overdose of laxatives. She then laid down and fell asleep in her wastes. Tom found her in the morning in the mess, called an ambulance and went with her to the hospital.
By the time they got there, she had gotten a terrible bladder infection from stool getting in her urethra. The bacteria happened to be one that releases kidney toxins when it dies. She was given antibiotics before this culture result was known and suffered kidney damage. They changed the antibiotic, did all they could and were making progress when she was discharged to a local rehab place. Due to a scheduling mixup, nurses did not check on her for 8 hours. During that time her bladder filed with over 2 liters of fluid. Some leaked out but the bacteria had made her unable to urinate like normal or even feel when her bladder was full. Back into the hospital she went. A very kind doctor took Tom aside and gently explained that it might be time for hospice as the infection was systemic now.
Tom took it hard, lighting into me and my doctor with accusations and blame. Then he calmed down and decided to do home hospice with round the clock nursing by our best elder care specialists. He bought a bed, an oxygen concentrator and everything else he needed including strong pain medicine. Then he brought Lynne home to die. He apologized for yelling at me and asked me as a favor to come visit her and help with her spiritual needs at the end of her life.
I was honored by his request, so I agreed. I took the night off of Clinic so I could stay for hours and do the traditional Last Watch vigil.
When I arrived, I smudged the room with this great incense from Juniper Ridge that smells and acts like a smudge stick and is made only from bamboo, plant resin and plant parts. It was a good way to bless and cleanse without creating lung or nose irritation in Lynne. Next I placed four candles on an altar far away from the oxygen compressor. In the center I put a small carved jade Aztec vessel representing the Underworld full of Kinnikinnick and tobacco. Around this I put blue corn kernals. Next to her bed I made a mala of fossils with an Enhydro amethyst in the center. I brushed her aura with a handmade feather fan until the room felt less stuffy. I also talked to her and she responded weakly. I told her stories until she asked me to let her sleep.
When the night nurse came on shift, I was even happier. She is Maori and a psychopomp in her tradition, and a lovely, caring person. She invited me to help her with bathing Lynne. I hadn't moved a patient since EMT class and I collect knowledge so I agreed eagerly. The night nurse talked to Lynne every step of the way, telling her what was going to happen next, massaging her back, hands and feet, changing her bedding, sponge bathing her and checking her oxygen and catheter. She used lovely smelling lotion and bathed Lynne's face, hands and feet in warm water that she changed and refreshed every few minutes. Lynne visibly relaxed with this treatment and spoke a few times to us. When she got her pain medicine she fell into a deep sleep.
Later in the evening she was struggling to breathe and was terrified. She fought each breath with her heart skipping beats and grabbed our hands and begged us to help her. All of us were in tears, and the night nurse gave her anxiety medicine which helped. She looked directly at me and through me and asked, "Why am I not dying yet?" and I had no answer for her. Spiritually I saw her life threads snapping one by one, but the center one was still firmly anchored. We held her hands for two hours of this, stroking her, while the night nurse called my attention to her breathing and pulse, which was irregular but strong. I eventually had to go home and collapse from exhaustion.
In my experience with the dying, everyone gets a guide, usually a bird or a canine. I Looked up and a lion sized bronze eagle with golden glowing eyes had His wings wrapped around her. I knew it was the guru Sathi Sai Baba that she and Tom had learned from when he was alive. Her Reaper or Death Messenger told me it was not her time yet, and I saw that the white glow around her body was still strong.
I worked as usual today, then after work I went back to Tom's house to sit with Lynne for a few more hours. The day nurse had brought food to ensure that Tom ate and guilt tripped him into doing so, which I applauded. I then helped hold her while she was bathed again. The day nurse did not talk Lynne through it so I did so, telling her what she was going to feel and when we were moving her. She was much less responsive, opening her eyes at her name or when frightened by the day nurse's action. She could barely say whether she was in pain or not and respond to anything. Halfway through the day she looked at me and very clearly said, "Don't hurt me!" with fear in her eyes. Her nurse took this as a request for pain medicine. She looked through me while the nurse was getting it and whispered to me, "I know what you are. Please don't hurt me."
My stomach and jaw hit the floor. When I picked them back up I promised not to hurt her and asked if I had done so yet. "No", she said "but you might". I promised to be her guardian monster and not to hurt her or Tom. At that she breathed more easily and let the drugs put her back out.
Another dying patient once asked me if I was a death Angel. I think that in that borderland between Life and Death, they see clearly into people's intentions or natures. The patient who asked if I was a death Angel was in the hospital and I was verbally guiding her in a canoe down a river. This patient saw my inner predator somehow.
Either way, I am taking tomorrow off to do magical geekery Saturdays with two magicians I trust, getting laid, getting fed and recouperating. I am on call if needed for vigil on Sunday and will try to post more then.
Below the cut are my impressions from a death vigil I have been taking part in for a patient. Cut for length and squick factor for descriptions of medical procedures.
I cannot say that death and I are friends like Leilah Wendell or that I serve it directly as an embalmer, pathologist or Anubis priest would, but I have been aware of it since an early age. I have never seen it as terrible or offensive, though obviously I am not as inured to it as some folks I know *cough Solo cough*.
As a child my parents Episcopal church sent people over to a pretty awful local nursing home called Iliff. It was a state run facility that the Church adopted and sent gifts. Yearly all the kids in Choir went caroling through the halls there. My first year, I was told that it would smell bad and that the people there might not know who we were or why we were there. We were told not to panic if someone reached for us as they didn't mean to hurt us. I was scared at first, but I realized very fast how sad, lonely and forlorn these poor people were. When someone reached out to me, I held their hand even if it was a crippled claw and tried to send comfort to them. From some I noticed a bluish silver glow and a skull visible under their skin. I learned later that that usually means they are close to death.
Later working at my job I met a lot of really awesome elderly people that I have come to care for deeply. Sometimes they die, and I am thankful that my abilities and my training have made me able to act as a guide and psychopomp for them. Sometimes their timing sucks...I have had a ghost ask to be laid to rest at 2am on a work day and had to smudge, drum, rattle and chant for an hour before going back to bed. It is rather like being a public servant without the parking benefits!
I first met Lynne as the girlfriend of our computer guy at the office. Lynne is a lovely redhead in her 80s who had mild dementia when I first met her that got progressively worse over time. The computer guy, Tom is an intense former prison guard with a Masters in economics who has a lot of training in Eastern mysticism. He and Lynne had gotten together after her first husband died, when Tom had a vision directing him to save her from an abusive situation. Lynne had dementia and eye problems but that was about it.
About a month ago, Lynne had gotten more and more severely demented. In the middle of the night she got into the medicine cabinet and took a huge overdose of laxatives. She then laid down and fell asleep in her wastes. Tom found her in the morning in the mess, called an ambulance and went with her to the hospital.
By the time they got there, she had gotten a terrible bladder infection from stool getting in her urethra. The bacteria happened to be one that releases kidney toxins when it dies. She was given antibiotics before this culture result was known and suffered kidney damage. They changed the antibiotic, did all they could and were making progress when she was discharged to a local rehab place. Due to a scheduling mixup, nurses did not check on her for 8 hours. During that time her bladder filed with over 2 liters of fluid. Some leaked out but the bacteria had made her unable to urinate like normal or even feel when her bladder was full. Back into the hospital she went. A very kind doctor took Tom aside and gently explained that it might be time for hospice as the infection was systemic now.
Tom took it hard, lighting into me and my doctor with accusations and blame. Then he calmed down and decided to do home hospice with round the clock nursing by our best elder care specialists. He bought a bed, an oxygen concentrator and everything else he needed including strong pain medicine. Then he brought Lynne home to die. He apologized for yelling at me and asked me as a favor to come visit her and help with her spiritual needs at the end of her life.
I was honored by his request, so I agreed. I took the night off of Clinic so I could stay for hours and do the traditional Last Watch vigil.
When I arrived, I smudged the room with this great incense from Juniper Ridge that smells and acts like a smudge stick and is made only from bamboo, plant resin and plant parts. It was a good way to bless and cleanse without creating lung or nose irritation in Lynne. Next I placed four candles on an altar far away from the oxygen compressor. In the center I put a small carved jade Aztec vessel representing the Underworld full of Kinnikinnick and tobacco. Around this I put blue corn kernals. Next to her bed I made a mala of fossils with an Enhydro amethyst in the center. I brushed her aura with a handmade feather fan until the room felt less stuffy. I also talked to her and she responded weakly. I told her stories until she asked me to let her sleep.
When the night nurse came on shift, I was even happier. She is Maori and a psychopomp in her tradition, and a lovely, caring person. She invited me to help her with bathing Lynne. I hadn't moved a patient since EMT class and I collect knowledge so I agreed eagerly. The night nurse talked to Lynne every step of the way, telling her what was going to happen next, massaging her back, hands and feet, changing her bedding, sponge bathing her and checking her oxygen and catheter. She used lovely smelling lotion and bathed Lynne's face, hands and feet in warm water that she changed and refreshed every few minutes. Lynne visibly relaxed with this treatment and spoke a few times to us. When she got her pain medicine she fell into a deep sleep.
Later in the evening she was struggling to breathe and was terrified. She fought each breath with her heart skipping beats and grabbed our hands and begged us to help her. All of us were in tears, and the night nurse gave her anxiety medicine which helped. She looked directly at me and through me and asked, "Why am I not dying yet?" and I had no answer for her. Spiritually I saw her life threads snapping one by one, but the center one was still firmly anchored. We held her hands for two hours of this, stroking her, while the night nurse called my attention to her breathing and pulse, which was irregular but strong. I eventually had to go home and collapse from exhaustion.
In my experience with the dying, everyone gets a guide, usually a bird or a canine. I Looked up and a lion sized bronze eagle with golden glowing eyes had His wings wrapped around her. I knew it was the guru Sathi Sai Baba that she and Tom had learned from when he was alive. Her Reaper or Death Messenger told me it was not her time yet, and I saw that the white glow around her body was still strong.
I worked as usual today, then after work I went back to Tom's house to sit with Lynne for a few more hours. The day nurse had brought food to ensure that Tom ate and guilt tripped him into doing so, which I applauded. I then helped hold her while she was bathed again. The day nurse did not talk Lynne through it so I did so, telling her what she was going to feel and when we were moving her. She was much less responsive, opening her eyes at her name or when frightened by the day nurse's action. She could barely say whether she was in pain or not and respond to anything. Halfway through the day she looked at me and very clearly said, "Don't hurt me!" with fear in her eyes. Her nurse took this as a request for pain medicine. She looked through me while the nurse was getting it and whispered to me, "I know what you are. Please don't hurt me."
My stomach and jaw hit the floor. When I picked them back up I promised not to hurt her and asked if I had done so yet. "No", she said "but you might". I promised to be her guardian monster and not to hurt her or Tom. At that she breathed more easily and let the drugs put her back out.
Another dying patient once asked me if I was a death Angel. I think that in that borderland between Life and Death, they see clearly into people's intentions or natures. The patient who asked if I was a death Angel was in the hospital and I was verbally guiding her in a canoe down a river. This patient saw my inner predator somehow.
Either way, I am taking tomorrow off to do magical geekery Saturdays with two magicians I trust, getting laid, getting fed and recouperating. I am on call if needed for vigil on Sunday and will try to post more then.