Feb 02, 2007 15:28
"I think this cycle never ends
we slide from top to bottom then we turn and climb again
and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.
but if i move my place in line i'll lose.
and i have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.
i am waiting for something to go wrong.
i am waiting for familiar results.
sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect
the twists and turns of plot that turned us from lovers to friends
i'm thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf
and crack it's weary spine and read to help remind myself
but if i move my place in line i'll lose.
and I have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.
i am waiting for something to wrong
i am waiting for familiar results
i am waiting for another repeat
another diet fed by crippling defeat
and i am waiting for that sense of relief
i am waiting for you to flee the scene
as if you held in your hand the smoking gun
and on the floor lay the one you said you loved.
and it's strange
they are all basically the same
so i don't ask names anymore."
Seriously. I always have this annoying feeling of anticipation, of waiting. Like when you're on a long car ride, waiting to get somewhere. That feeling you get in your stomach when you know you're close, and you're looking out the window like "is that it?" "are we there?"
There's that feeling of anticipation.
Then there's the one where you're walking towards... say, an audition. Waiting in the holding room or just outside the door, knowing you're finally going to have to do it. Are you going to screw up? Forget the music? Will you shake? Oh shit, your hands are sweaty, you're going to drop the bow... you won't be able to shift. All of these things running through your mind while trying to remember everything and stay calm. That kind of waiting.
Then there's another type.
Like when you're in a fight with your boyfriend (or girlfriend as the case may be) and the conversation ends - badly, of course - and there's that period of time where you're just hurting. Just plagued with that horrible weighty feeling. Trying to determine how much pride you have, and if it's worth losing if you better the situation. Waiting for him to call. Can't sleep. Can't eat. What do you do?
And another...
When you're just sitting around stagnate. The feeling that you're just biding your time. Waiting for... what? It's almost worse not knowing what you're waiting for than anticipating something horrible. Because it could be - horrible, I mean. Or good. Or nothing at all.
I honestly feel like I'm just biding my time here in college. If I had a purpose, then maybe it wouldn't be that way. I realize the purpose is to figure it out, but if that doesn't happen in the next year or so... things aren't going to be pretty.
I just don't know.
Not only in this realm am I waiting. There are so many other things. Relationships. I have these investments in people. I'm waiting to see what's going to become of them. And God forbid that any of these relationships be normal. I am physically incapable of having a healthy, loving, normal relationship. There's always got to be fighting, or craziness, or cheating, or distance, or friendship to mess it up.
There's another thing. Why do I feel it necessary to be in a relationship? I think maybe I'm still used to it. It's hard to go from being with someone for so long in that way to having nobody to touch, or talk to, or be with romantically. Being such a physical person doesn't help, either when prospects are looking down or they happen to be thousands of miles away.
Seriously, why is it so damn complicated? It's my own doing, I know. I made the choices that brought me to where I am. I guess I'll just bide my time some more until the situations unwind.