And I've been dying to let you know
I feel as if I'm letting a lot of people down lately. I haven't been truthful to everyone. But It's hard to actually express what's going on with me, I don't want anyone's pity but then I feel like it's wrong of me to act the way I have. I'm not me right now. People can see I'm down but they don't know the whole story. I feel bad when someone asks me "how are you feeling" because I honestly feel fine, You Just Will Never Understand. I am usually a pretty open person with my feelings but this is something that I just can't open to, it frustrates me that I'm the only that has to go through with it so I become angry and bottle everything up. I kind of distance myself which is not good. I don't like letting people down, especially the ones that mean the world to me. Right now is probably the unhappiest I've been, I'm miserable and I don't really have a way out. My mom is my strength right now, I feel like I've lost my own strength, I've given up on myself because I just don't know what to do anymore. She deserves a break from me, I wish I had someone else that was similiar to her that can just hold me and let me know how much she loves me and how I'm gonna be okay and how strong I am...but no there's not, My mom is my hero. I don't like that I'm lying to the people who mean the most to me, I don't like that I'm 18 but I feel like I'm 75, I don't like anything at all right now. & I'm sorry.
I kinda feel like just running away or driving away to where No One Knows Me. Cause here you know everyone so that are more likely to judge you and their judgement on you is kind of a big deal. That would help out a lot in my life right now, if life wasn't all about being judged.
I've realized a few things about college that bother me lol. (I'm trying to change the whole mood of my journal by being Funny Me)
1. When your walking down the stairs and someone is running down behind you....I mean do they seriously think I'm gonna run or walk faster so they can get thru??...Um no lol
2. When your walkin to or from class and someone is walking behind you but really close....Gosh back off!!!
3. When People just stare at you, and you can see them in the corner of your eye and then you decide to look at them to catch them off guard and they smile...Ok FREAKY
4. The fact that my bathroom smells like the cafeteria food
5. My Math Teacher's decision of wearing his Black Fleece with his brown shoes.... every damn class
Yeah those are a few !!!
I'm ready for break.....I'm ready to not having to worry about school and worry about what is really up with me. I just hope I can enjoy at least half of the break. We'll see where it leads.... :/
I dunno...i just had to write down how I felt...it's my only way to help me ....I dunno....I'm shakin my head because I just don't know
I feel nauseous, useless, unproud, weak, disgusting, horrible, miserable, not well, ............
There's Gotta Be Hope Out There