Relationship maintenance in 30 seconds
Originally published at x-posted from clifflandis.net. You can comment here or there.
Just like plants, pets, cars, and your body, relationships need regular maintenance. Inspired by a conversation with my friend Kryss, I started asking the folks close to me one question, every week:
Am I meeting your needs as a ___________ ?
Whether it be as a boyfriend, brother, son, friend, uncle or whatever, asking this simple question once a week has saved me a world of heartache in the long-term. I’ve been doing it for months now, and it’s changed a lot of things.
A moment of reflection…
With everyone rushing around, filled with road rage, stress and angst (trying to get to tai chi or yoga class!), sometimes it can be difficult to pause and reflect on our relationships.
Asking if you’re meeting the other person’s needs will give them a chance to stop in their tracks, pause, and think about how their relationship with you is going. Do they have any needs that aren’t being met? Did you promise to take out the trash and forgot? Did you say something in jest yesterday that actually hurt their feelings? Now is their chance to let you know.
…can take a while
And they may not let you know right that minute. So if that evening or the next day you get a call, don’t be surprised. Some folks (like myself) take time to process conversations, arguments, and deep questions. Asking a question once a week is a way to keep the conversation about the relationship going-not a way to “get it over with.” Being honest and earnest about your desire to make sure that your loved ones’ needs are met will quickly unearth any deeper communication issues.
What it’s like
Every Wednesday at 12:30pm an alarm goes off on my phone: “Check in emotionally.” I send a quick text to my loved ones, and usually within minutes I receive a text back lauding me with praise. It’s a nice side-effect, but it’s not the purpose-a short “yes” is enough to ensure that they got the message and that there’s nothing pressing that needs to be discussed.
Occasionally I’ll get a phone call that starts out with “Well, since you asked…,” and the conversation starts up. Sometimes Wednesday at 12:30pm will fall right in the middle of an ongoing fight or lingering hurt feelings, but I’ll ask without fail. It’s more important to me that I know the truth and that they know I care, rather than to protect my own bruised feelings.
Awareness is catchy
Once your family and friends get used to the routine, they’ll look forward to it and miss it if you accidentally forget. You might get a pouty voicemail asking why you didn’t do the weekly check-in! And trust me, soon enough they’ll be responding in kind, asking if they are meeting your needs.
So go ahead and take a few seconds to check in witht he ones you love! You’ll be delighted with the results.