what's new with me?....
So I'm just going to forget about any kind of explanation of why it's been so long since I've posted. All I can really say is that I'm a different person now than when I started this journal--unfortunately, that's a person who finds it very difficult to make time for LJ, or even a paper journal for that matter. I live a fast-paced existence in San Francisco, and somehow the priority level of journaling has dropped drastically; perhaps because I've grown better at managing my problems without working them out on paper? Anyway...
Things have now gotten to a point where there's so much that has changed in my life that I feel a need to alert the world (or at least that slice of world which has interest in my place in it). Of course, some things haven't changed; I'm still working at Maxfield's House of Caffeine, still go-go dancing wherever and whenever I can, still going to the gym (actually, if you can believe it, I've pushed past 200 pounds now. Pretty beefy, I guess, but I still have a neck and everything...don't worry). However, there's been two major changes that have conspired to make 2006 the best year of my life so far.
Firstly, I am now sharing a beautiful 3-bedroom Edwardian flat with Taures and Doyle. Yes, six years after we first visited San Francisco and declared that we wanted to live here together...we have finally made it happen, and it is simply wonderful. We moved in mid-January, and the first month was like one long slumber party--the three of us staying up half the night sitting on one roomies' bed or another, chatting, gossiping, and laughing our asses off like high-school girls. I once said that I would never again take a chance on living with Doyle, but when things started coming together, it was obvious to me that it was the right thing--indeed, the only thing--to do. And I've found that Taures' presence tends to triangulate the more difficult points of how Doyle and I interact; there's a magick in the three of us together that makes something even more fantastic than our individual beings. Not to mention the fact that, when you get down to it, these are my two best friends--whose love for me (and mine for them) has meant more than nearly anything else in my reality for over seven years. Remembering that makes it easier to overlook the irritating roommate things that we all do to one another. (Hell, I'm one obsessive-compulsive S-O-B; I can't be easy to live with, either. These guys might be close to the only two people I can think of who can stand sharing a place with me!)
Despite the above, Taures and I both harbor ambitions of moving to New York City within the next three years. (I suppose this could count as a third big development I wanted to share--you'll get the second after this.) We've both been flirting with the Big Apple for about a year and a half, and as for me? I see it as the last challenge I have left in the USA, not to mention the only other place in the states which I see holding real, powerful opportunities for me and my art, such as it is. Cliche though it may be...if I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere. Where club business is concerned, the whole club kid/go-go boy scene is a 7-days-a-week affair, as opposed to the sporadic (and often under-attended) events here. Somehow, SF's club scene never quite returned to what it had been before the dot-com bubble-and-bust; it's simply too difficult to interest large groups of people in clubs every day of every week. On that tack, it may just be a matter of population; New York has such an insane number of people living in it, that even if the same people don't go to the same places every week like clockwork, there's always still a critical mass. Plus, besides nightlife employment, there's the sheer electric thrill of Manhattan--the feeling of all those millions of people buzzing around and doing their things, like electricity on a giant grid under your feet that you can just plug into as you walk. That underlying sensation that when you walk out the door, anything can happen around the next corner; you could see a Broadway star at the corner espresso bar (happened to me!), or you might look around your capoeira class and see 3 famous models (happened to my coworker!), or maybe afterhours you find yourself at a party doing coke with an international DJ and an 80s pop star (happened to a roommate who shall remain nameless!)...I met Michael Cunningham (author of The Hours and A Home At the End of the World) at an enormous dance party called "Alegria"...New York City is a vortex for all this creative energy, all this multimedia industry. I've tasted it and I want more!
Taures is never terribly forward with his plans, but I believe he'll be staying till at least next summer, whereas I have decided that I need to wait until after I turn 30 (that'll be in October of 2007 for those who haven't kept up) to move--since I can have a much more extravagant 3rd-decade birthday bash here than I could in NYC after having lived there for only a year and a half, tops. So, even though it's in the works, or at least on the board, it's nothing I'm feeling in any hurry about; I find it a comfort just to know that there IS another step to take...something on the horizon to take on at the right moment. After New York? Well, hell, if I don't finally put down permanent roots there, I guess I'll just have to jump the pond...
Now. The development in my life that I most wanted to share, and the reason that today is the day I'm posting....
Six months ago, on Saturday, December 17th, something happened to me that has completely changed my life. Because on that night, after a long day of cross-city pre-holiday socializing and errand-running, I was determined to go out dancing, even if I had no one to go with...and at a club called Adonis, my eyes fell on a man walking off of the dancefloor who was about to walk into my life in a major way.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen: I am in love. So madly, deeply, passionately in love, I realize that nothing I had ever experienced prior could even be called by the same name. Looking back on this very journal, I see that all my previous dalliances were nothing more than adolescent play....and yet, each one was preparing me for this, making me open and ready and understanding of what it is to give and receive True Love.
Six months. In case you didn't know, that is easily more than triple the length of any relationship I've tried to sustain before...and I see no end in sight. I have finally found true, healthy happiness with another man. I can't even explain in words the joy he brings me.
A little bit about him, then: his name is Edwin. He's originally from Puerto Rico, moved to Miami when he was 20, then to New York City about 10 years ago. He turned 44 in February (though you really wouldn't know by looking!). He works for United Airlines--the main reason why this has been able to work at all; one of my cardinal rules had always been "no long-distance relationships," but not only did I want him in my life so much that I threw the rules out the window...as a flight attendant, he's in SFO a good bit--it was two days a week in May, and so far this month, once a week. I'll admit that this has been a great test of faith for me--being forced to believe in something even when it's not constantly right there in front of me; when sometimes I don't get as much affirmation as my ego craves. I have been walking the journey of Orpheus once again: always going forward, required to believe in a lover that I cannot see in front of me or sense behind me...knowing that I cannot turn back in doubt because doing so could lose me everything. Still, the further on we go, the less I doubt, the more I believe our bond stretches across the miles and pulls us back together again. I never take him for granted, but I have begun to be comfortable with the concept that I might be worth hanging onto for him. In a way, that is how I have gotten the most out of this relationship; it has taught me a depth of self-worth that I never understood before. To see this man--with the body of a god made flesh, in my eyes--lying next to me, night after night...at some point an epiphany crept in, that if a man like this could want me, then perhaps I am truly desirable; and if a man like this can hold me in his arms and give me love, then perhaps I am actually worthy of such love. Perhaps?!...of course. I should have believed this all along; we should all believe it of ourselves. You know as well as I do, however, that such belief in our own self-worth is often difficult. I also know, that even if our relationship dissolved tomorrow (though I would mourn), I have taken that lesson to heart; how could I ever settle for less than perfect happiness in my life, after this? I know that I deserve it. And I can now truly treat myself like I'm a person worthy of love and happiness. I've learned to care for myself better, and I've also learned to pay more attention to those around me...I'd never realized before how absorbed I was in my own search for love and validation, to the frequent exclusion of the needs of those around me. (Mind you, I still can't go a day without burbling happily about something-or-other-Edwin, but I'm also usually aware enough to shut up and listen to what those around me are saying--and anyway, sharing my joy is better than constantly complaining!) I suppose it makes good sense that when you stop treating love with poverty consciousness, you have more to share with others.
(And if you're curious by now what this fellow looks like: here's a pic a photographer friend of mine took of us when we were out dancing in April.)
So....there you have it. The most important details of everything that's been keeping me busy these days. There's much more, of course--in fact, I will openly admit (since some readers know already anyway) that there are certain details of most of my updates which I have, for the time being, deliberately omitted. Why? Because a) it's been a long time since I've posted like this, and I confess my level of capability to explain things is waning proportionately to the increase of my exhaustion; b) some details of some stuff, while public knowledge, are also sensitive information in addition to being someone else's business, so before I go posting something huge about it, I'd like to verify consent; and c) certain complications would sound like a bigger deal to many readers than they are to me, and it was wisely pointed out to me recently that "The more you feel a need to explain the more others will feel a need to rebuke you, because it sounds like you're asking to be saved from yourself when you constantly explain it." (Geez, Brian, when did you suddenly become the wise big brother? ;-) )
So, before I lose all ability to form coherent thoughts, I'm going to go ahead and post this. I hope everyone out there is healthy and happy, I hope you've all enjoyed hearing some of what's bringing me joy these days, and I hope to hear from many of you in the near future. I can't promise that I'll be posting a follow-up soon, but you never know what might happen....
I love you all.
-s
PS--If you're wondering why everything's suddenly capitalized correctly in my posting, it's because I initially typed this post in WordPerfect, to be sure it wasn't lost somehow...and I don't know how to turn off the darned auto-capitalizing function!
Things have now gotten to a point where there's so much that has changed in my life that I feel a need to alert the world (or at least that slice of world which has interest in my place in it). Of course, some things haven't changed; I'm still working at Maxfield's House of Caffeine, still go-go dancing wherever and whenever I can, still going to the gym (actually, if you can believe it, I've pushed past 200 pounds now. Pretty beefy, I guess, but I still have a neck and everything...don't worry). However, there's been two major changes that have conspired to make 2006 the best year of my life so far.
Firstly, I am now sharing a beautiful 3-bedroom Edwardian flat with Taures and Doyle. Yes, six years after we first visited San Francisco and declared that we wanted to live here together...we have finally made it happen, and it is simply wonderful. We moved in mid-January, and the first month was like one long slumber party--the three of us staying up half the night sitting on one roomies' bed or another, chatting, gossiping, and laughing our asses off like high-school girls. I once said that I would never again take a chance on living with Doyle, but when things started coming together, it was obvious to me that it was the right thing--indeed, the only thing--to do. And I've found that Taures' presence tends to triangulate the more difficult points of how Doyle and I interact; there's a magick in the three of us together that makes something even more fantastic than our individual beings. Not to mention the fact that, when you get down to it, these are my two best friends--whose love for me (and mine for them) has meant more than nearly anything else in my reality for over seven years. Remembering that makes it easier to overlook the irritating roommate things that we all do to one another. (Hell, I'm one obsessive-compulsive S-O-B; I can't be easy to live with, either. These guys might be close to the only two people I can think of who can stand sharing a place with me!)
Despite the above, Taures and I both harbor ambitions of moving to New York City within the next three years. (I suppose this could count as a third big development I wanted to share--you'll get the second after this.) We've both been flirting with the Big Apple for about a year and a half, and as for me? I see it as the last challenge I have left in the USA, not to mention the only other place in the states which I see holding real, powerful opportunities for me and my art, such as it is. Cliche though it may be...if I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere. Where club business is concerned, the whole club kid/go-go boy scene is a 7-days-a-week affair, as opposed to the sporadic (and often under-attended) events here. Somehow, SF's club scene never quite returned to what it had been before the dot-com bubble-and-bust; it's simply too difficult to interest large groups of people in clubs every day of every week. On that tack, it may just be a matter of population; New York has such an insane number of people living in it, that even if the same people don't go to the same places every week like clockwork, there's always still a critical mass. Plus, besides nightlife employment, there's the sheer electric thrill of Manhattan--the feeling of all those millions of people buzzing around and doing their things, like electricity on a giant grid under your feet that you can just plug into as you walk. That underlying sensation that when you walk out the door, anything can happen around the next corner; you could see a Broadway star at the corner espresso bar (happened to me!), or you might look around your capoeira class and see 3 famous models (happened to my coworker!), or maybe afterhours you find yourself at a party doing coke with an international DJ and an 80s pop star (happened to a roommate who shall remain nameless!)...I met Michael Cunningham (author of The Hours and A Home At the End of the World) at an enormous dance party called "Alegria"...New York City is a vortex for all this creative energy, all this multimedia industry. I've tasted it and I want more!
Taures is never terribly forward with his plans, but I believe he'll be staying till at least next summer, whereas I have decided that I need to wait until after I turn 30 (that'll be in October of 2007 for those who haven't kept up) to move--since I can have a much more extravagant 3rd-decade birthday bash here than I could in NYC after having lived there for only a year and a half, tops. So, even though it's in the works, or at least on the board, it's nothing I'm feeling in any hurry about; I find it a comfort just to know that there IS another step to take...something on the horizon to take on at the right moment. After New York? Well, hell, if I don't finally put down permanent roots there, I guess I'll just have to jump the pond...
Now. The development in my life that I most wanted to share, and the reason that today is the day I'm posting....
Six months ago, on Saturday, December 17th, something happened to me that has completely changed my life. Because on that night, after a long day of cross-city pre-holiday socializing and errand-running, I was determined to go out dancing, even if I had no one to go with...and at a club called Adonis, my eyes fell on a man walking off of the dancefloor who was about to walk into my life in a major way.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen: I am in love. So madly, deeply, passionately in love, I realize that nothing I had ever experienced prior could even be called by the same name. Looking back on this very journal, I see that all my previous dalliances were nothing more than adolescent play....and yet, each one was preparing me for this, making me open and ready and understanding of what it is to give and receive True Love.
Six months. In case you didn't know, that is easily more than triple the length of any relationship I've tried to sustain before...and I see no end in sight. I have finally found true, healthy happiness with another man. I can't even explain in words the joy he brings me.
A little bit about him, then: his name is Edwin. He's originally from Puerto Rico, moved to Miami when he was 20, then to New York City about 10 years ago. He turned 44 in February (though you really wouldn't know by looking!). He works for United Airlines--the main reason why this has been able to work at all; one of my cardinal rules had always been "no long-distance relationships," but not only did I want him in my life so much that I threw the rules out the window...as a flight attendant, he's in SFO a good bit--it was two days a week in May, and so far this month, once a week. I'll admit that this has been a great test of faith for me--being forced to believe in something even when it's not constantly right there in front of me; when sometimes I don't get as much affirmation as my ego craves. I have been walking the journey of Orpheus once again: always going forward, required to believe in a lover that I cannot see in front of me or sense behind me...knowing that I cannot turn back in doubt because doing so could lose me everything. Still, the further on we go, the less I doubt, the more I believe our bond stretches across the miles and pulls us back together again. I never take him for granted, but I have begun to be comfortable with the concept that I might be worth hanging onto for him. In a way, that is how I have gotten the most out of this relationship; it has taught me a depth of self-worth that I never understood before. To see this man--with the body of a god made flesh, in my eyes--lying next to me, night after night...at some point an epiphany crept in, that if a man like this could want me, then perhaps I am truly desirable; and if a man like this can hold me in his arms and give me love, then perhaps I am actually worthy of such love. Perhaps?!...of course. I should have believed this all along; we should all believe it of ourselves. You know as well as I do, however, that such belief in our own self-worth is often difficult. I also know, that even if our relationship dissolved tomorrow (though I would mourn), I have taken that lesson to heart; how could I ever settle for less than perfect happiness in my life, after this? I know that I deserve it. And I can now truly treat myself like I'm a person worthy of love and happiness. I've learned to care for myself better, and I've also learned to pay more attention to those around me...I'd never realized before how absorbed I was in my own search for love and validation, to the frequent exclusion of the needs of those around me. (Mind you, I still can't go a day without burbling happily about something-or-other-Edwin, but I'm also usually aware enough to shut up and listen to what those around me are saying--and anyway, sharing my joy is better than constantly complaining!) I suppose it makes good sense that when you stop treating love with poverty consciousness, you have more to share with others.
(And if you're curious by now what this fellow looks like: here's a pic a photographer friend of mine took of us when we were out dancing in April.)
So....there you have it. The most important details of everything that's been keeping me busy these days. There's much more, of course--in fact, I will openly admit (since some readers know already anyway) that there are certain details of most of my updates which I have, for the time being, deliberately omitted. Why? Because a) it's been a long time since I've posted like this, and I confess my level of capability to explain things is waning proportionately to the increase of my exhaustion; b) some details of some stuff, while public knowledge, are also sensitive information in addition to being someone else's business, so before I go posting something huge about it, I'd like to verify consent; and c) certain complications would sound like a bigger deal to many readers than they are to me, and it was wisely pointed out to me recently that "The more you feel a need to explain the more others will feel a need to rebuke you, because it sounds like you're asking to be saved from yourself when you constantly explain it." (Geez, Brian, when did you suddenly become the wise big brother? ;-) )
So, before I lose all ability to form coherent thoughts, I'm going to go ahead and post this. I hope everyone out there is healthy and happy, I hope you've all enjoyed hearing some of what's bringing me joy these days, and I hope to hear from many of you in the near future. I can't promise that I'll be posting a follow-up soon, but you never know what might happen....
I love you all.
-s
PS--If you're wondering why everything's suddenly capitalized correctly in my posting, it's because I initially typed this post in WordPerfect, to be sure it wasn't lost somehow...and I don't know how to turn off the darned auto-capitalizing function!