getting there
i've been busy.
lots of performances of various natures; visitors from out of town; changes of circumstances...and the omnipresent state of analysis, deep thought process, and contemplation on my lot in life which so typifies my extended stays away from the journal. i've been in outer space, and i'm coming in now for a landing.
so much has changed. is changing?
i have been reflecting much on the gulf between plans, expectations, dreams, and experiences in reality. how much of what i am, who i am, where i am, was part of my intentions?...ten years ago, two years ago, a month ago? have i strayed from the course i initially set? the path i'm on seems to suit me pretty well, all things considered--but what would the "high school student in huntsville" me think of the "adult in san francisco?"
loss and abandonment are also feelings i've been examining in myself. i moved here as part of an intended three-man endeavor; doyle and taures were the ones who had to convince me that we could live here together, but i ended up being the first one to do it...and the only one to stay.
taures has made it a year; over a year. but he is not going to medical school at UCSF--despite intentions, despite the internship, despite all odds to the contrary. once again, funding has fallen through, and this equals a return to georgia, the deferment of a dream. as it happens, he has some great people pulling for him in atlanta who are figuring out a way to get him into medical school--but it will be in atlanta that he schools.
so: doyle came and doyle went. taures came, and taures is going. i came, and i stayed...and shall stay still. i wanted this to be home for all of us, but in the end, it was only home for myself.
i ruminate on the meaning of this, if there is any. did it take years of these friendship bonds, traveling and laughing and discovering together, to show me the place i belong? were the two best friends i have the angels who lit my path for me, even as i resisted? are they destined to fly back to where they came from, every time, leaving me alone?
i think back to my first months here; how my desperate waiting for the end of the year--the arrival of doyle--defined so much of my then-identity in the city. i was still inwardly defining as one-third of a team; i was certain that things were only a matter of time.
"things," indeed. it was truly a matter of time. with the security blanket of my expectations wrapped around me, i began building my life here...always though with the voice in the back of my head adding two to the equation.
add one. subtract one. repeat. result: still one, even if it feels like negative two.
how different would life be now if i never got firm footing in this city? what if this city wasn't like a second skin for me? how then would i feel, knowing that the span of the continent lay between me and my cohorts? alas, this musing is folly, for this city so far has been the perfect fit. it was the confidence of expectation that propelled me so far, however; and truly now i see that must have been the hand of divinity, as well. she moves in mysterious ways.
i cannot know what the future holds. i thought i did once, but now it's clear that my vision of the future was only so much fairy dross, spun by a naive heart. love, you see, isn't enough to make everything work out the way you want. in fact, i must say that i have not yet found the circumstance under which my love conquers....well, anything. reality is a juggernaut that rolls over my pretty feelings time and again.
despite the morose tone of the above, i assure you that i'm quite peaceful in these realizations. i have achieved the zen state of futility--all my struggle will remain useless. i play the cards i'm dealt, and try to stop forcing the goddess' hand.
i gave taures a card, to congratulate him on a year in san francisco. even at the time, i had intuitions and inklings that he wouldn't be staying much longer than this year--it crept into my words:
i know there is little certain of the future, that life changes, shapes us, and changes us in turn. people enter our lives; ambitions and futures shift; no end seems absolute. even so, there is still US. still tiny lives woven together into an immense fabric which blankets reality like pages torn from a storybook--our storybook. i have held, clung to, cherished your presence here, even as i have sometimes taken it for granted. now i realize that i may ultimately also have to let it go. reflecting back on all that has passed though, i can clearly see that i cannot lose you--you may leave my eyes, my daily life, my city...but you shall never leave my heart, and that is the bond which echoes through time, through a million trillion possible futures, throughout our destiny. above place, space, and time: love holds you close to me, forever.
and so it goes...fate brings us together, circumstances keep us apart, love unites us across the miles. this is adulthood, i suppose; the biggest scariest sort of thing you face when you look around and realize that you've left the nest and all of its comforts. that flying became more important than familiarity, that the sky beckons loud enough to drown out the clinging voices calling you back to safety.
i am afloat in this sea without the anchors i was waiting for...now it's either drift without aim or set a course, all on my own. except i realize that all this time i've already been traveling for leagues upon leagues, and i can't go back to my old, distant shore. so be it.
second to the right, straight on till morning.
-s
lots of performances of various natures; visitors from out of town; changes of circumstances...and the omnipresent state of analysis, deep thought process, and contemplation on my lot in life which so typifies my extended stays away from the journal. i've been in outer space, and i'm coming in now for a landing.
so much has changed. is changing?
i have been reflecting much on the gulf between plans, expectations, dreams, and experiences in reality. how much of what i am, who i am, where i am, was part of my intentions?...ten years ago, two years ago, a month ago? have i strayed from the course i initially set? the path i'm on seems to suit me pretty well, all things considered--but what would the "high school student in huntsville" me think of the "adult in san francisco?"
loss and abandonment are also feelings i've been examining in myself. i moved here as part of an intended three-man endeavor; doyle and taures were the ones who had to convince me that we could live here together, but i ended up being the first one to do it...and the only one to stay.
taures has made it a year; over a year. but he is not going to medical school at UCSF--despite intentions, despite the internship, despite all odds to the contrary. once again, funding has fallen through, and this equals a return to georgia, the deferment of a dream. as it happens, he has some great people pulling for him in atlanta who are figuring out a way to get him into medical school--but it will be in atlanta that he schools.
so: doyle came and doyle went. taures came, and taures is going. i came, and i stayed...and shall stay still. i wanted this to be home for all of us, but in the end, it was only home for myself.
i ruminate on the meaning of this, if there is any. did it take years of these friendship bonds, traveling and laughing and discovering together, to show me the place i belong? were the two best friends i have the angels who lit my path for me, even as i resisted? are they destined to fly back to where they came from, every time, leaving me alone?
i think back to my first months here; how my desperate waiting for the end of the year--the arrival of doyle--defined so much of my then-identity in the city. i was still inwardly defining as one-third of a team; i was certain that things were only a matter of time.
"things," indeed. it was truly a matter of time. with the security blanket of my expectations wrapped around me, i began building my life here...always though with the voice in the back of my head adding two to the equation.
add one. subtract one. repeat. result: still one, even if it feels like negative two.
how different would life be now if i never got firm footing in this city? what if this city wasn't like a second skin for me? how then would i feel, knowing that the span of the continent lay between me and my cohorts? alas, this musing is folly, for this city so far has been the perfect fit. it was the confidence of expectation that propelled me so far, however; and truly now i see that must have been the hand of divinity, as well. she moves in mysterious ways.
i cannot know what the future holds. i thought i did once, but now it's clear that my vision of the future was only so much fairy dross, spun by a naive heart. love, you see, isn't enough to make everything work out the way you want. in fact, i must say that i have not yet found the circumstance under which my love conquers....well, anything. reality is a juggernaut that rolls over my pretty feelings time and again.
despite the morose tone of the above, i assure you that i'm quite peaceful in these realizations. i have achieved the zen state of futility--all my struggle will remain useless. i play the cards i'm dealt, and try to stop forcing the goddess' hand.
i gave taures a card, to congratulate him on a year in san francisco. even at the time, i had intuitions and inklings that he wouldn't be staying much longer than this year--it crept into my words:
i know there is little certain of the future, that life changes, shapes us, and changes us in turn. people enter our lives; ambitions and futures shift; no end seems absolute. even so, there is still US. still tiny lives woven together into an immense fabric which blankets reality like pages torn from a storybook--our storybook. i have held, clung to, cherished your presence here, even as i have sometimes taken it for granted. now i realize that i may ultimately also have to let it go. reflecting back on all that has passed though, i can clearly see that i cannot lose you--you may leave my eyes, my daily life, my city...but you shall never leave my heart, and that is the bond which echoes through time, through a million trillion possible futures, throughout our destiny. above place, space, and time: love holds you close to me, forever.
and so it goes...fate brings us together, circumstances keep us apart, love unites us across the miles. this is adulthood, i suppose; the biggest scariest sort of thing you face when you look around and realize that you've left the nest and all of its comforts. that flying became more important than familiarity, that the sky beckons loud enough to drown out the clinging voices calling you back to safety.
i am afloat in this sea without the anchors i was waiting for...now it's either drift without aim or set a course, all on my own. except i realize that all this time i've already been traveling for leagues upon leagues, and i can't go back to my old, distant shore. so be it.
second to the right, straight on till morning.
-s