BREAKING NEWS* BREAKING NEWS* BREAKING NEWS*BREAKING NEWS*
NBC news reported early this morning that President Ronald Reagan, lying in state in the Capital Rotunda, continues to be dead. The surprising announcement was made by NBC anchor Tom Brokow, known for his years of authoritative, impartial investigative reporting. "In spite of thousands of Americans paying their respects to the late President, it does appear that Mr. Reagan will continue to be dead for an indefinite period of time."
The surprising disclosure offset speculation by political pundits that if enough Americans came to Washington D.C. to view the remains of the late President, he might, in fact, rise from the dead. Expectations of a possible resurrection of the late President arose when rumors circulated throughout the nation's capital that the Ghost of Jacob Marley had been spotted roaming through the capital rotunda dragging chains, dozens of feet long, and asking for directions to the Reagan casket.
When pressed for details about the persistence of Mr. Reagan's death, and how long the nation's media expected they could sustain the interest of the American public with the breaking news story, Mr. Brokow remarked, "I don't know about other networks. But here at NBC we expect to milk this event for as long as we can. July? August? Maybe even through November! Brokow went on to add, "There is no truth to the rumor that Alzheimer's disease, from which the late President suffered, is contagious and can spread unseen through the air to infect other Americans. Visitors to the rotunda need not fear becoming infected."
Speculation about the possible airborne spread of Alzheimer's arose late this week when it became apparent that many Americans and most of the staff of national and local news outlets were suffering from an apparent lack of memory of events that transpired during the Reagan administration.
A spokesperson for the Atlanta-based Centers for Disease Control, confirmed that Alzheimer's is not a contagious disease, but admitted that recent events might lead one to believe that it is. "Ronald Reagan put guns in the hands of the mujahidin that led to the rise of the Taliban," the spokesperson said, "he secretly armed Saddam Hussein through his then Middle East envoy Donald Rumsfeld. All of which led to the conditions that spawned 9/11. His administration illegally supported the Contras in Nicaragua, without the knowledge of the Congress; he traded arms for hostages; he supported murderous regimes In El Salvador and Guatemala. And yet no one in America seems to remember any of this. But I assure you it is not Alzheimer's!"
In a related story, hospitals throughout the country have reported an alarming increase in Americans with two newly diagnosed illnesses. The first of these, Recurrent Gagging Syndrome (RGS), is a rare illness in which an individual is unable to hold down food and gags uncontrollably for hours, leaving the patient exhausted and weak. The epidemic of RGS seems to have coincided with a week of the most uncritical and shamefaced adulation of a President considered by many to have done more damage to the American economy in his two terms of office and to have done more to sustain a two-tier American society of haves and have-nots than any other President in American history.
The other recently diagnosed illness is a new form of mental disease, American Delusional Reality Behavior, in which an individual suffers from disorientation, continually pinches himself, and believes that he no longer living in America. While treatable, medical experts fear the spread of both diseases in the days to come. Curiously, the illnesses seem to affect only Americans with a higher than normal IQ.
Ed Gillespie, Chairman of the Republican Party National Committee, reacting to the news of Ronald Reagan's continued death, reported that party officials are undeterred from their plan to run Ronald Reagan as the party candidate for President of the United States this fall. "Sure, it's never been done before," Gillespie said, "but then W's slipping pretty far down in the polls. This is about survival of the Republican Party and if we can do it with a dead President, so much the better!"
Constitutional experts are troubled at the prospects of a President running for a third term, while Democratic Party officials vowed to oppose Ronald Reagan's candidacy on legal grounds. When queried about running against Ronald Reagan in the fall, Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry acknowledged that Reagan would indeed be a formidable opponent. "But I'm not worried," Kerry said, "I still have more personality than a dead guy. Don't I?"
The surprising disclosure offset speculation by political pundits that if enough Americans came to Washington D.C. to view the remains of the late President, he might, in fact, rise from the dead. Expectations of a possible resurrection of the late President arose when rumors circulated throughout the nation's capital that the Ghost of Jacob Marley had been spotted roaming through the capital rotunda dragging chains, dozens of feet long, and asking for directions to the Reagan casket.
When pressed for details about the persistence of Mr. Reagan's death, and how long the nation's media expected they could sustain the interest of the American public with the breaking news story, Mr. Brokow remarked, "I don't know about other networks. But here at NBC we expect to milk this event for as long as we can. July? August? Maybe even through November! Brokow went on to add, "There is no truth to the rumor that Alzheimer's disease, from which the late President suffered, is contagious and can spread unseen through the air to infect other Americans. Visitors to the rotunda need not fear becoming infected."
Speculation about the possible airborne spread of Alzheimer's arose late this week when it became apparent that many Americans and most of the staff of national and local news outlets were suffering from an apparent lack of memory of events that transpired during the Reagan administration.
A spokesperson for the Atlanta-based Centers for Disease Control, confirmed that Alzheimer's is not a contagious disease, but admitted that recent events might lead one to believe that it is. "Ronald Reagan put guns in the hands of the mujahidin that led to the rise of the Taliban," the spokesperson said, "he secretly armed Saddam Hussein through his then Middle East envoy Donald Rumsfeld. All of which led to the conditions that spawned 9/11. His administration illegally supported the Contras in Nicaragua, without the knowledge of the Congress; he traded arms for hostages; he supported murderous regimes In El Salvador and Guatemala. And yet no one in America seems to remember any of this. But I assure you it is not Alzheimer's!"
In a related story, hospitals throughout the country have reported an alarming increase in Americans with two newly diagnosed illnesses. The first of these, Recurrent Gagging Syndrome (RGS), is a rare illness in which an individual is unable to hold down food and gags uncontrollably for hours, leaving the patient exhausted and weak. The epidemic of RGS seems to have coincided with a week of the most uncritical and shamefaced adulation of a President considered by many to have done more damage to the American economy in his two terms of office and to have done more to sustain a two-tier American society of haves and have-nots than any other President in American history.
The other recently diagnosed illness is a new form of mental disease, American Delusional Reality Behavior, in which an individual suffers from disorientation, continually pinches himself, and believes that he no longer living in America. While treatable, medical experts fear the spread of both diseases in the days to come. Curiously, the illnesses seem to affect only Americans with a higher than normal IQ.
Ed Gillespie, Chairman of the Republican Party National Committee, reacting to the news of Ronald Reagan's continued death, reported that party officials are undeterred from their plan to run Ronald Reagan as the party candidate for President of the United States this fall. "Sure, it's never been done before," Gillespie said, "but then W's slipping pretty far down in the polls. This is about survival of the Republican Party and if we can do it with a dead President, so much the better!"
Constitutional experts are troubled at the prospects of a President running for a third term, while Democratic Party officials vowed to oppose Ronald Reagan's candidacy on legal grounds. When queried about running against Ronald Reagan in the fall, Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry acknowledged that Reagan would indeed be a formidable opponent. "But I'm not worried," Kerry said, "I still have more personality than a dead guy. Don't I?"