revisiting
circles and circles and circles again.
i have traveled so far in my life, yet sometimes it seems as though i've barely taken a step. then again, at times such as this (creeping ever so quickly toward beltaine), i've always tended to step back and reflect on years past.
huntsville. atlanta. short mountain. san francisco. (amsterdam. new orleans.) once again the paths are all colliding into a miasmic soup of experiences and insights and faces and bodies and my seed mixed with that of countless other enlightened ejaculates....
Everything that you've done in your life
Every experience, every thought, every moment
Has led to this, has led to now
Everything that happens is for a reason
Every success, every defeat, everything
Nothing is an accident.
(music for elevators)
and so it was that tonight, after many strange, random, and mundane adventures, i found myself sitting once again at the computer, and noticed that daonnan was on AIM and one of 2 people on my online buddylist who wasn't away. my old friend blue. i shot her a simple "hello" message. turns out she had just posted in her own LJ that she needed to talk to someone, so if anyone was out there, send a message...without even realizing, i had answered her call. so she phoned me up and we spent an hour and twenty minutes talking, the longest i think we've conversed since i moved to california...
we were both drawn thematically back to an earlier moment of satori between the two of us...the actualization of the reality that nothing is meaningless.
all of your suffering is not for naught; so i've been in a cycle of depression, self-searching and self doubt...a time of difficult transition and spiritual questioning. as certain as the dawn, awareness has come, slowly creeping like the light. fitting indeed that it all collides with my homecoming of sorts, the return to my roots of adult spirituality and to the place my family calls home. last year i missed beltaine at short mountain--the experience that i've previously said "charges my spiritual battery for the year"--and the absence has been acutely felt. when doyle lived here with me, magick felt alive and a daily reality; but the apparent exclusiveness of the bond between doyle and amy, the crackling, overt power of doyle (even as he failed in harnessing it to manifest stability in san francisco), these things made me feel aware of the magick but not a part of it. then doyle left as he always seems to do, and i never built back that sense of power, of god/dess connection. even as serendipity guided from the periphery, some sense of the connection felt severed. i believe a large part of that is due to missing my most grand ritual of the year.
i see how much of the last two years makes a kind of sense. moving to san francisco was my final, tangible, geographic move toward my goals. getting here was a matter of survival; something which may indeed require an extraordinary quality of spirit and constitution, but hardly the truest or most grueling test of my etheric chutzpa. it was what felt right, and i did it.
where do we go from here?
it isn't a matter of place anymore...i have that base covered. it's a matter of intention, of internal working. it's a matter i kept my mind off of with easy sex and grand anesthetics, booze and pills and powders; with the grinding of the gears of simple function--job and home. and now i step back and see that it's really come down to me, owning the power. the magick is not just spirit and manifestation and faerie-wing-flapping. it is effecting changes in life. all of this magick--and all of this power--i have been hiding from desperately, running from as if it were a horde from hell. the truth? it's me. i've been running from myself.
funny thing, that. seems like you always tend to catch up to you, eventually.
it looks like i'm at another big scary point of realization: i have to make things happen for myself. my eternal five years of partying was like a graduation-to-adulthood party. well, i'm a goddamned adult now; it's time to act like it, and make things happen, and not fear the consequences. i think the rabbit tattooed on my bum holds that much wisdom for me.
this next season holds a lot of decisions for me, and this trip next weekend shall bring a lot of reconnection. if all goes well, blue will be joining us at the gathering, tying in the third power center of my southeastern triumvirate (huntsville, short mountain, and atlanta). i welcome the magick and the experience; the connection and the wisdom; the family and friends.
i welcome my Self.
more later.
-s
i have traveled so far in my life, yet sometimes it seems as though i've barely taken a step. then again, at times such as this (creeping ever so quickly toward beltaine), i've always tended to step back and reflect on years past.
huntsville. atlanta. short mountain. san francisco. (amsterdam. new orleans.) once again the paths are all colliding into a miasmic soup of experiences and insights and faces and bodies and my seed mixed with that of countless other enlightened ejaculates....
Everything that you've done in your life
Every experience, every thought, every moment
Has led to this, has led to now
Everything that happens is for a reason
Every success, every defeat, everything
Nothing is an accident.
(music for elevators)
and so it was that tonight, after many strange, random, and mundane adventures, i found myself sitting once again at the computer, and noticed that daonnan was on AIM and one of 2 people on my online buddylist who wasn't away. my old friend blue. i shot her a simple "hello" message. turns out she had just posted in her own LJ that she needed to talk to someone, so if anyone was out there, send a message...without even realizing, i had answered her call. so she phoned me up and we spent an hour and twenty minutes talking, the longest i think we've conversed since i moved to california...
we were both drawn thematically back to an earlier moment of satori between the two of us...the actualization of the reality that nothing is meaningless.
all of your suffering is not for naught; so i've been in a cycle of depression, self-searching and self doubt...a time of difficult transition and spiritual questioning. as certain as the dawn, awareness has come, slowly creeping like the light. fitting indeed that it all collides with my homecoming of sorts, the return to my roots of adult spirituality and to the place my family calls home. last year i missed beltaine at short mountain--the experience that i've previously said "charges my spiritual battery for the year"--and the absence has been acutely felt. when doyle lived here with me, magick felt alive and a daily reality; but the apparent exclusiveness of the bond between doyle and amy, the crackling, overt power of doyle (even as he failed in harnessing it to manifest stability in san francisco), these things made me feel aware of the magick but not a part of it. then doyle left as he always seems to do, and i never built back that sense of power, of god/dess connection. even as serendipity guided from the periphery, some sense of the connection felt severed. i believe a large part of that is due to missing my most grand ritual of the year.
i see how much of the last two years makes a kind of sense. moving to san francisco was my final, tangible, geographic move toward my goals. getting here was a matter of survival; something which may indeed require an extraordinary quality of spirit and constitution, but hardly the truest or most grueling test of my etheric chutzpa. it was what felt right, and i did it.
where do we go from here?
it isn't a matter of place anymore...i have that base covered. it's a matter of intention, of internal working. it's a matter i kept my mind off of with easy sex and grand anesthetics, booze and pills and powders; with the grinding of the gears of simple function--job and home. and now i step back and see that it's really come down to me, owning the power. the magick is not just spirit and manifestation and faerie-wing-flapping. it is effecting changes in life. all of this magick--and all of this power--i have been hiding from desperately, running from as if it were a horde from hell. the truth? it's me. i've been running from myself.
funny thing, that. seems like you always tend to catch up to you, eventually.
it looks like i'm at another big scary point of realization: i have to make things happen for myself. my eternal five years of partying was like a graduation-to-adulthood party. well, i'm a goddamned adult now; it's time to act like it, and make things happen, and not fear the consequences. i think the rabbit tattooed on my bum holds that much wisdom for me.
this next season holds a lot of decisions for me, and this trip next weekend shall bring a lot of reconnection. if all goes well, blue will be joining us at the gathering, tying in the third power center of my southeastern triumvirate (huntsville, short mountain, and atlanta). i welcome the magick and the experience; the connection and the wisdom; the family and friends.
i welcome my Self.
more later.
-s