Mainly for my own future reference
Dudes.
I have been tearing it up in the kitchen.
1. Scrambled tofu and mushrooms, for those of you who don't eat eggs but occasionally want scrambled eggs (are there any of you, or am I the only one?). Take some firm tofu. Chop it up into little bitty pieces, so that it looks like scrambled eggs. Stick it in an oiled saucepan and shower spices on it. I used cumin and garlic and salt and pepper, because cumin makes it look vaguely egg-colored, garlic is my favorite spice, and salt and pepper have some kind of contract that requires them to be used in dishes that resemble scrambled eggs. While the tofu is absorbing all the tasty spices, chop up some mushrooms. When the tofu starts to look somewhat egg-colored, throw the mushrooms at them. Add some more spices, because you have to spice the hell out of tofu or it will taste boring and bland. Stir stir stir, simmer simmer simmer. When the tofu has an egg-ish consistency and the mushrooms look cooked, throw them on a plate and eat them. Mmm, a tasty vegan breakfast that sticks to your sides!
2. Black bean burgers. Even easier than scrambled tofu, and lasts much longer! Take a can of black beans. If you are like me, drain and rinse them before dumping them in a mixing bowl. If you are like Timothy, dump them in a mixing bowl. Exorcise all your repressed anger and frustration by mashing the hell of them. After destroying them, sprinkle some spices and flour and bread crumbs on them. Mix everything up, and it starts to stick together. Here's the fun part: wash your hands and make patties out of your new concoction! Whee! Then you just stick them on an oiled saucepan and pat them down until they get cooked and firm and ready to be eaten. One can of black beans makes 4-6 patties, depending on how large your patties are. Voila, meals for the next week!
3. Grilled tofu, for those of you who want something meat-like on your salad but don't actually eat meat. As we realized while making scrambled tofu, tofu does not absorb flavor with the ease that seitan does. You have to nudge tofu along the path toward flavorfulness. To do that, you need to press and freeze your tofu before marinating it.
Put your tofu on some paper towels, put some paper towels on your tofu, and then place a light weight (like a book) on the tofu. This may seem like torture for Mister Tofu, but Mister Tofu is a masochist, and he likes it. Press Mister Tofu for at least fifteen minutes, and then slice him up (into strips if you would like to emulate chicken strips, into cubes if you prefer shapes that have artistic movements named after them, into geometric patterns if you are especially creative) and throw him in a ziplock bag before locking him in the freezer. Again, don't fret for his personal safety - Mister Tofu was raised in Antarctica, and he likes the cold weather. It's good for him. Freezing Mister Tofu gives him a chewier texture and helps him absorb flavors.
Once you feel that he has been good and frozen, you can remove him from his prison and marinate him. Tonight I tried two marinades: an Asian marinade (with soy sauce, garlic, and ginger) and an Italian marinade (with garlic, onion, and oregno). Both were rather nice. Marinate Mister Tofu for at least half an hour. Naturally, the longer you let him soak up the yummy stuff, the yummier he will be.
Once you feel that Mister Tofu has been sufficiently marinated, grill him. He may take awhile to grill, so be patient. Don't hurry him. He's had a trying day, and he's entitled to take his time.
After you've grilled him, you can have your way with him. I put him in a salad: lettuce, spinach, carrots, homemade croutons, and tofu. With corn on the cob on the side. Yes, it was delicious. Yes, you have my permission to be jealous. Yes, you may make your own in an attempt to make me jeaous.