"My Beard Come So Fat, I Wanna Do Laser."
So a few days ago I see this thing on facebook:
So you say you can write anything I can throw at you. You say, "Woodworth, your writing contests don't scare me. No prompt, no topic, no weirdness can hold me back." So I say to you, Oh yeah? Then you've got until Sunday to take on a flash fiction contest based around the following phrase: "My Beard Come So Fat, I Wanna Do Laser." All the details can be found below, but at the bare minimum, you must include the words "I wanna do laser" in a significant way. Go ahead. Show us what you've got!
And here's the link to the contest results-
http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2010/06/20/i-wanna-do-laser-the-motherfucking-poll/
So here's what I got. Click through if you want to read it, otherwise, come back later for more movie reviews. (word count sez: 1000)
Delicious Cherry Flavoring
Ey! Wake up, mon! Wake up! Ey! Were are we? Wot de hell is dis place?
Vould you please stop yellink! I am tryink to sleep! I have very important vork ahead of me.
Wake up, ye dom fool!
The President vill be very displeased ven he hears you have disturbed me.
Look around ye, dom fool! Wot is dis place? Why cont we move, huh?
Cant move? Mien Gott, you are right! Mein hands are tied! Mein feet as vell!
Ye see, mon? Somebody done cot us like fishin de nets! Tied us up, put us in dis room! We got to get out, mon! Wot dey gonna do wit us, mon? We got to get out befoah dey come bock!
Do you remember how ve got in here? I cant seem to recall anyting after ze meeting viz ze prime minister.
You work for de gov’mint, mon? Who dis minister ya talkin about?
I cant seem to recall. Mein head is all, vat is ze word? Blank. How lonk haff ve been here? If ve haff been captchured by ze emeny, it could haff been veeks, maybe even years!
Enemy, mon? I donno no ministahs. I ain’t nobody to no gov’mint! Dis all because o you, mon! You got us in heah! You wit ya ministahs! You wit ya gov’mint! Dis all you fault!
Please do not become irrational. I am tied up chust like you are. Ve are both prisoners here. I do not recognize zis place. Please try to remember. Vat is de last tink before you voke up in zis room? Ve must assess our sitchuation and gahzer information to negotiate viz our captors.
Negotiate, mon? Wot we do dat for? Wot kinda mon take someone from his house in de night, tie im up like a goddom animal? We got to bust out! Get outta dese chains, bust out, make a run for it!
Now you mahst listen to me. If ve escape and run vizzout any knowletch about our surroundinks or our sitchuation, ve may be vorse off zen our current predicament. Ve must use our minds and our reason! Only den vill ve understand vat has happened. Please calm down. Tink! How lonk haff ve been here? Vat is de last tink you recall?
Ain’t been but a day, mon! Last night I went home aftah workin da banana field. Lay down in me bed next to me woman, and I say to her, woman, dis de best day in a long time. And den I wake up in heah, in chains witchu!
But zen how do you know it has only been von day?
Lookit me face, mon, I shave yestahday. If it been more dan one day, my beard, it come in so fat I look like de island Santa.
Zat is an intriguing argument. But haff you considered zat our captors haff shaved you in order to deceive us?
No mon, I ain’t t’ought o dat...
Vell, in absence of useful information I propose ve attempt to remove zese chains. Perhaps zen ve can investigate furzer. Ah. I zee you are already tryink.
Almost... Almost got it... Dey only buckles, mon. Wen I reach it, I get it open. Almost dere...
Zat appears exzeedingly uncomfortable. Please do not inchure yourself.
No mon, don’t hurt none. I got me a trick shouldah. Almost... Dere! Got it! Now we got to get de door...
Vait! Please release me also. I do not haff your flexibility.
No mon! I ain’t forget, maybe you de cause o dis! Maybe you take me from me house! Take me from me woman! You and ya gov’mint!
Ach! Bitte! please! If I captchured you, vy vould I be tied up viz you! Please! I cannot breed viz your hands on my neck!! Ah. Hah. Tank you...
Ya got somet’ing dere. Maybe we in de same boat here. Tell ya wot- You figyah way to get de door open, I take ya chains off.
Zat is simple. I know a vay, but ze information is Top Zecret. Classified. Only myself and a very few Top Men know zis information. I schall only tell you once you haff released me.
No way, mon. You tell, den I letchu out.
How can I trust you? Perhaps you vill use ze information to escape by youzelf, and leaf me here. I must have a schow of gut fait before I schare my zecrets. Once you remove my restraints, ve can both ezcape togeder. Yes, tank you. Now I vill explain. A few years ago, ze President and ze Intellichence Agency put a zecret satellite in space capable of destroyink any target on ze Eart. Ve must contact ze satellite to destroy zis door, and ve schall be free.
You crazy, mon. Dere ain’t no phone, no radio. How we call de satellite?
(A small, eye-level slot in the door slides open.)
Well hello Mr Grant and Mr Stephens. I see you’re out of your restraints again. We really will have to work on that.
You let us outta here, mon! Let us out now!
Yez, I concur. Releaze us immediately.
Sure, sure. But first I want you both to take your medication.
I ain’t drinkin not’ing!
It’s cherry-flavored...
Oh, maybe den it ain’t so bad?
I concur. I schall alzo partake of ze cherry-flavored beverich.
Now you let us out, mon?
In just a minute Mr. Grant.
So hey mon, how dis satellite work?
Ve communicate telepathically. Excuze me. I haff trouble focusing my...
Den wot, mon? Den wot happen...?
Zen, we schall be free... Laser...
Yah mon... I wan’ do... laser...
*****
Huh. Now what?
Now we clean them up, shave them and get them back in their restraints.
And they do this every day?
Not every day. Sometimes the Thorazine wears off a little earlier than we like.
And they always fall for it? “Cherry-flavored?”
Well, yeah. It probably doesn’t help they’re both completely bonkers.
So you say you can write anything I can throw at you. You say, "Woodworth, your writing contests don't scare me. No prompt, no topic, no weirdness can hold me back." So I say to you, Oh yeah? Then you've got until Sunday to take on a flash fiction contest based around the following phrase: "My Beard Come So Fat, I Wanna Do Laser." All the details can be found below, but at the bare minimum, you must include the words "I wanna do laser" in a significant way. Go ahead. Show us what you've got!
And here's the link to the contest results-
http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2010/06/20/i-wanna-do-laser-the-motherfucking-poll/
So here's what I got. Click through if you want to read it, otherwise, come back later for more movie reviews. (word count sez: 1000)
Delicious Cherry Flavoring
Ey! Wake up, mon! Wake up! Ey! Were are we? Wot de hell is dis place?
Vould you please stop yellink! I am tryink to sleep! I have very important vork ahead of me.
Wake up, ye dom fool!
The President vill be very displeased ven he hears you have disturbed me.
Look around ye, dom fool! Wot is dis place? Why cont we move, huh?
Cant move? Mien Gott, you are right! Mein hands are tied! Mein feet as vell!
Ye see, mon? Somebody done cot us like fishin de nets! Tied us up, put us in dis room! We got to get out, mon! Wot dey gonna do wit us, mon? We got to get out befoah dey come bock!
Do you remember how ve got in here? I cant seem to recall anyting after ze meeting viz ze prime minister.
You work for de gov’mint, mon? Who dis minister ya talkin about?
I cant seem to recall. Mein head is all, vat is ze word? Blank. How lonk haff ve been here? If ve haff been captchured by ze emeny, it could haff been veeks, maybe even years!
Enemy, mon? I donno no ministahs. I ain’t nobody to no gov’mint! Dis all because o you, mon! You got us in heah! You wit ya ministahs! You wit ya gov’mint! Dis all you fault!
Please do not become irrational. I am tied up chust like you are. Ve are both prisoners here. I do not recognize zis place. Please try to remember. Vat is de last tink before you voke up in zis room? Ve must assess our sitchuation and gahzer information to negotiate viz our captors.
Negotiate, mon? Wot we do dat for? Wot kinda mon take someone from his house in de night, tie im up like a goddom animal? We got to bust out! Get outta dese chains, bust out, make a run for it!
Now you mahst listen to me. If ve escape and run vizzout any knowletch about our surroundinks or our sitchuation, ve may be vorse off zen our current predicament. Ve must use our minds and our reason! Only den vill ve understand vat has happened. Please calm down. Tink! How lonk haff ve been here? Vat is de last tink you recall?
Ain’t been but a day, mon! Last night I went home aftah workin da banana field. Lay down in me bed next to me woman, and I say to her, woman, dis de best day in a long time. And den I wake up in heah, in chains witchu!
But zen how do you know it has only been von day?
Lookit me face, mon, I shave yestahday. If it been more dan one day, my beard, it come in so fat I look like de island Santa.
Zat is an intriguing argument. But haff you considered zat our captors haff shaved you in order to deceive us?
No mon, I ain’t t’ought o dat...
Vell, in absence of useful information I propose ve attempt to remove zese chains. Perhaps zen ve can investigate furzer. Ah. I zee you are already tryink.
Almost... Almost got it... Dey only buckles, mon. Wen I reach it, I get it open. Almost dere...
Zat appears exzeedingly uncomfortable. Please do not inchure yourself.
No mon, don’t hurt none. I got me a trick shouldah. Almost... Dere! Got it! Now we got to get de door...
Vait! Please release me also. I do not haff your flexibility.
No mon! I ain’t forget, maybe you de cause o dis! Maybe you take me from me house! Take me from me woman! You and ya gov’mint!
Ach! Bitte! please! If I captchured you, vy vould I be tied up viz you! Please! I cannot breed viz your hands on my neck!! Ah. Hah. Tank you...
Ya got somet’ing dere. Maybe we in de same boat here. Tell ya wot- You figyah way to get de door open, I take ya chains off.
Zat is simple. I know a vay, but ze information is Top Zecret. Classified. Only myself and a very few Top Men know zis information. I schall only tell you once you haff released me.
No way, mon. You tell, den I letchu out.
How can I trust you? Perhaps you vill use ze information to escape by youzelf, and leaf me here. I must have a schow of gut fait before I schare my zecrets. Once you remove my restraints, ve can both ezcape togeder. Yes, tank you. Now I vill explain. A few years ago, ze President and ze Intellichence Agency put a zecret satellite in space capable of destroyink any target on ze Eart. Ve must contact ze satellite to destroy zis door, and ve schall be free.
You crazy, mon. Dere ain’t no phone, no radio. How we call de satellite?
(A small, eye-level slot in the door slides open.)
Well hello Mr Grant and Mr Stephens. I see you’re out of your restraints again. We really will have to work on that.
You let us outta here, mon! Let us out now!
Yez, I concur. Releaze us immediately.
Sure, sure. But first I want you both to take your medication.
I ain’t drinkin not’ing!
It’s cherry-flavored...
Oh, maybe den it ain’t so bad?
I concur. I schall alzo partake of ze cherry-flavored beverich.
Now you let us out, mon?
In just a minute Mr. Grant.
So hey mon, how dis satellite work?
Ve communicate telepathically. Excuze me. I haff trouble focusing my...
Den wot, mon? Den wot happen...?
Zen, we schall be free... Laser...
Yah mon... I wan’ do... laser...
*****
Huh. Now what?
Now we clean them up, shave them and get them back in their restraints.
And they do this every day?
Not every day. Sometimes the Thorazine wears off a little earlier than we like.
And they always fall for it? “Cherry-flavored?”
Well, yeah. It probably doesn’t help they’re both completely bonkers.