Amazon's No Google
Begemot the cat found a packing peanut and kinda went to town on it. Fun, but we don’t want him injesting chunks of polystyrene. So I looked online to see if we could obtain any packing material that was kitteh-safe.
However, when I entered “edible packing material” into Amazon’s search bar, the results weren’t *quite* what I had envisioned.
Here are the sixteen “matches” from the first results page:
Top result? Silica gel. Silica gel? Doesn't that shit have "DO NOT INGEST!" printed all over it? Saran Wrap. Well, I guess you could use it as packing material, but it sure ain't edible! Wait... Decorative muffin tins? How? What? Huh? A leather messenger bag. That's not packing material... Apples! Well, a photo of apples, anyways. On a mousepad. Didn't those go the way of rotary phones? A cold pack. Again, isn't that expressly marked "DO NOT INGEST!"? Oh! Another leather messenger bag. Still not packing material, tho. Dollar bill paper tissues? What the fuck? Oh. An ice cream cone maker! Just what I was looking for! Now how much would you pay? But wait! There's more... A V-thong. Are those edible? I always protect my fragile items by packing them inside this virtual Wedding Dessert Chef Android app. Nasturtium seeds! Just what I would use to protect my laptop from damage. Kung Fu Panda cake topper! I guess Dreamworks must be pretty hard up for cash if they're selling these as packing material... I had to look this one up. It's an exfoliating scrubber sponge. Might actually pass for expensive packing material. Don't think Begemot would be very interested, tho. An airbrush! Oh fuck it, I can't even. These search results are stupider and funnier than any caption I can make up. Somewhere, a woefully self-important online marketer staked his career on making sure that "Gucosamine for Dogs" appeared on page one of these search results.