Under Armor and the HUI-VUI
People really seem to appreciate my candor and openness. That’s been true for years: I was even given a company-wide Core Value Award for epitomizing Sapient’s value of Openness. And readers of this blog have told me that they admire me for my willingness to publicly share my most intimate thoughts.
So in that spirit, let’s talk about my underwear.
Every so often, when I feel it’s about time, I buy underwear. I usually buy it in big bunches, then go for quite a while before deciding it’s time to buy another batch. Buying in bulk and minimizing shipping costs is basic household efficiency, right?
Earlier this month I decided it was time, so I placed another big order. That piqued my uncannily acute sense of Ornoth curiosity, so I looked back at my previous purchases… And I discovered that the truth of being Ornoth is even more amazing than I had previously imagined!
So, I only have records of my last three underwear purchases. As I give you the details, remember that despite their similarities, these were three completely independent transactions, years apart, with absolutely no conscious or planned parallelism.
The first oddity is that all three times I spent almost exactly the same amount of money: $81, $82, or $92. I suppose that makes sense, given that I’m essentially swapping out collections of approximately equal size. That’s a little interesting, but not a shocker.
A more curious bit is that all three of those purchases were made at almost the exact same time of year: February or the first week of March. So it seems like springtime is underwear time, according to YT. Okay, that’s odd, but not exactly evidence of a vast alien conspiracy.
Finally and most interestingly, those purchases were not just at the same time of year, but the interval between the orders was always exactly six years, every time: early March 2001, February 2007, and early March 2013. Okay, so that is actually kind of surreal.
What it all adds up to is this: I’ve discovered the Hexannual Universal Internal Vernal Underwear Interval! (Say that three times fast!) This theory (which is mine, and belongs to me) you may abbreviate as the HUI-VUI.
What value does this hard-won insight have, you might ask? Well, that should be obvious.
First of all, this triumph of order and logic brings to light yet another amazing and heretofore undocumented super-power of the entity we lovingly know as Ornoth.
But more important than adding another item to the long list of miracles I’ve performed, now I can go and update my calendar and add ticklers for the next two decades of regularly-scheduled $100 underwear purchases: in March 2019, 2025, and 2031!
Oh, and speaking of my underwear, have I told you about how my medieval recreationist persona earned the nickname “Naked Man”? Well, I suppose that’s a story for another time…
Happy first 12-hour day of the year!