Slammageddon!

[ornoth]

It’s been two years since I posted the last batch of greatest hits from the random insult generator that I wrote back in college, but the insult elves haven’t been idle!

With advances in speech synthesis and cell phones, I’ve now got insults being read aloud to me on OSX and Android, as I highlighted in this video.

On top of that, if you find this stuff amusing, you can now follow the @o_insult feed on Twitter to receive slams daily. Check it out, and hit the Follow button to get your daily fix and help spread the word!

Finally, I’ve got two years’ worth of greatest hits to share with you. But before I do… here’s one final reminder that if you like these, you can find all my insult postings from previous years here.

And without further ado, here’s our 2011-2012 vintage. Enjoy them, or may your father smell of Homer Simpson’s blister…

• Dodge demons!
• Be gnawed by Grady the Cat!
• Have a compassionately compassionate day.
• If you do not understand my atomic bomb, you will not understand my eight nightmares.
• Your homosexual toddler told me you were a tease.
• I’m sick of your wacky country!
• If you were less careless, you might be able to commit suicide…
• Don’t crack your pa with a sledgehammer!
• Look at you!
• Being a virgin runs in your family.
• Even Amstel Light vapor is smarter than you are!
• You’re too bilingual to be a citizenship teacher.
• May your pullover be infested by a porcupine.
• Your sanitation engineer says that you’ve been a shit since you were born.
• Someone knows that you selected Liza Minnelli.
• Your chiropractor posed in Fantasy & Science Fiction Magazine for the The Dungeons Of Doom Times.
• You checked your underskirt in my stepmother’s mule-drawn cart.
• You look like you thwarted the Marquis de Sade’s libidinous dissertation.
• Your chick wants you to die tonight.
• Your mother was a blind hooker, and your father smelled of a Twix bar!
• There’s an English setter in your thorax.
• You emotional bag of strawberry milk.
• Your sweetheart is a pasta woven Hatian U-boat weaver.
• You singed your sex organ in soy sauce.
• Your bathrobe is backward.
• Your grandma is an awesomely endowed paperweight!
• The Iron Chef wouldn’t sleep with you if you gave him my chef’s Bible.
• If you don’t squirt, you’ll help an urinal.
• You would squeal for my Apple laptop.
• Did you really just psychoanalyze my mama’s off-road vehicle?
• I bet you’d love to amaze a cannibal with my daughter’s fork.
• You threw your heiress’ hair.
• When you were a child you were aroused by your trouser snake.
• You have the intelligence of a football player.
• I want to make fun of your love.
• What an unpopular flasher you are!
• I found breakfast cereal in your sock.
• Well surgically modify my genes and call me a fox terrier.
• If you were less heretic, you might be a sneaky religious ritual slaughterer.
• I had no idea you were so wide.
• You living lame insult!
• Don’t be flattened by a sadist with a garbage truck!
• If you don’t like it, go innovate!
• Your burning ark smells like a shark.
• Do something antagonistic with the Bible.
• You have the intelligence of your dinnerware.
• You should admit that you’re forthright!
• A head of cauliflower is smarter than you are!
• Your mother was an Outdoor Life reader, and your father smelled of bran!
• Your favorite old man is Gene Simmons.
• Are you ghoulish, or just gay?
• Your bathrobe smells like a goose’s dreams.
• Tase The Chicago Mob!
• Be throttled by Teddy Ruxpin!
• Be chewed by Godzilla in the bellybutton.
• Your acne reminds me of white-out.
• May you go away scantily-clad and transvestite.
• You’re nothing but a misshapen marsupial spherical octopus refresher.
• I didn’t know you could Fraggle-lovingly beg to be mutated by a herd animal while watching the movie ’All Balrogs Go To Hawaii’?
• I saw you defend a Labrador retriever with Rowdy Roddy Piper at a nude female nitroglycerin and orange vomit-wrestling match.
• I used to know a rectal as John Denver stepchild of a thinking molten polystyrene-reinforced blacktop spewing grizzly bear wannabe just like you.
• Shaun Cassidy told me that you and the Holy Mother of God, whose propriety knows no bounds, were jumped upon by a bald eagle while Christ watched.
• Your sibling slept with the Ambassador to John F. Kennedy’s Hometown Pizza Hut for a video tape of the Moroccan heresy trying to duplicate a caterpillar.
• If you stop trying to kiss your decor goodbye like a lump inspector like a brain picker like a canary breeder and eat death like Willard Scott, don’t admit a firecracker.