(no subject)
This is going to be a boring post about a relationship that I ended a while back but I was never very clear to the ol' flist about what exactly happened with that except that I broke it off because I didn't like having a relationship that was supposed to be somehow special/separate/different from my friendships. That's how I justified it to myself at the time, anyway, but I don't know if it's totally true or not. It could be. It's quite, quite probable that's just because I didn't like her as anything different than a friend and I was just kidding myself, but generally the whole romance department (sex included) is one I find very, very confusing and I don't know what I want and I don't know what I like, but I don't care quite enough to be fussed that much by it. I still don't like the idea of being in a non-platonic relationship, but for all I know that's because the only one I've ever been in was kinda fail.
Example: I was willing, for the sake of the idea of being in a romantic relationship, to put up with someone telling me I wasn't sexually attractive and then repeatedly - knowingly - making me feel guilty and upset about not wanting to have sex, asking me to question whether my not wanting to do it was really more important than how badly she needed it.
In retrospect the EXCUSE ME WTF R U DOIN there is kind of glaring, and my rosetinted WUV GLASSES are most of why I'm so embarrassed of the whole thing.
When I broke up with her I tried to stay friends but the guilt-tripping kept happening and the overreacting kept happening and the obsessive clingy devotion that was part of the reason it got to the point that I couldn't stand being in a relationship with her kept happening and I eventually wound up putting her at arm's length altogether. She's still talking to some of my friends. I've heard from a couple of them that she asks them things like whether they think I'd come back if she was hospitalised from cutting herself.
This morning I got told by one of her friends that something I'd said was disrespectful to her, but honestly she hasn't exactly given me much reason to respect her at all, ever. She has given me reason to be annoyed with her, pity her, and want to slap her really damn hard for being a frustrating attention whore. Mostly I look back on the whole thing with irritation, vague amusement, and embarrassment.
Obviously this is my side of things and obviously thus it is probably somewhat biased, but there you go.
THE MORE YOU KNOW.
Example: I was willing, for the sake of the idea of being in a romantic relationship, to put up with someone telling me I wasn't sexually attractive and then repeatedly - knowingly - making me feel guilty and upset about not wanting to have sex, asking me to question whether my not wanting to do it was really more important than how badly she needed it.
In retrospect the EXCUSE ME WTF R U DOIN there is kind of glaring, and my rosetinted WUV GLASSES are most of why I'm so embarrassed of the whole thing.
When I broke up with her I tried to stay friends but the guilt-tripping kept happening and the overreacting kept happening and the obsessive clingy devotion that was part of the reason it got to the point that I couldn't stand being in a relationship with her kept happening and I eventually wound up putting her at arm's length altogether. She's still talking to some of my friends. I've heard from a couple of them that she asks them things like whether they think I'd come back if she was hospitalised from cutting herself.
This morning I got told by one of her friends that something I'd said was disrespectful to her, but honestly she hasn't exactly given me much reason to respect her at all, ever. She has given me reason to be annoyed with her, pity her, and want to slap her really damn hard for being a frustrating attention whore. Mostly I look back on the whole thing with irritation, vague amusement, and embarrassment.
Obviously this is my side of things and obviously thus it is probably somewhat biased, but there you go.
THE MORE YOU KNOW.