(no subject)
so i've come to the conclusion that i still hate myself. i gained ten pounds from last semester because i let people who "care" about me get the better of me. Well, i'm sick of this shit. i'm sick of being fat. so, what have i chosen to do? what i did before, what i know how to do, what i need to do. i'm going on a severe diet, and welcoming back an old friend of mine. i realize this is a disease, and i realize that i can't help it and i am more determined than ever to remain in control of some aspect of my life, and to lose weight. There are so many fucking things i can't control. i can control what i eat, or rather, what i don't eat. i feel good when i don't eat. i feel powerful, and in complete control, and i feel just plain good. i also realize that at some point i will get, or be forced to get help, but right now i don't want it, don't need, and am not ready for it. all of these people who care so much can just leave me alone. i want this, i like this, and none of them can stop me.
in fact, if all these people care about me so much, i wonder if they realize any of the following:
1. this semester of college was absolute hell. there is a part of my life (concerning losing someone) that is changing drastically, and i hate rapid change. i have no control over it, and i hate that. i started to just... slip... into this massive depression. i didn't want to go to college. i didn't want to learn or do work. i didn't want to write. i thought everyday what it would be like to just not wake up in the morning, and i fought the urge every single day (still fighting it) to start cutting again. i had the razor in my hand so many times...
2. part of my hell this semester was due to a very sudden upgrade in my anti-sociality. i found that i was, in fact, afraid of people. i have developed a severe social anxiety that interfered with my classes and my learning. the thought of being around my peers in large numbers - or any people of large numbers - made me sick; my heart beat too fast, i started to sweat, i started to shake, and i couldn't breathe. i had to leave class once because i thought i was going to have a serious anxiety attack and pass out; i locked myself in a bathroom stall where i knew no one could see me to try and calm myself down. i can't go grocery shopping because i have such an intense fear of people looking at me, or watching me, an intense fear of what is going through their heads as i pass them by, or that i'm going to embarrass myself.
3.that both of these things combined killed my grades, was and is killing me. it makes me think a lot about just ending it all. honestly, sometimes i want to, really want to. but i haven't, obviously.
4. that i hate myself so much i can't stand to look at my reflection. that i lay in bed, sometimes on the floor, curled up crying because i hate myself, my body, everything. i cry because i want so bad to change what i see in the horrible mirror, that disgusting image i see reflected back at me.
5. that something happened to me a few weeks ago that i don't understand. tell me you would understand why you feel like you were dirty, completely violated if you passed out from having too much to drink, were sick and unconscious, and suddenly woke up to find yourself having sex and knowing you didn't want to, and it was causing you physical pain and you were so confused you cried because you didn't know what was going on and didn't want it to be happening, but didn't say "stop"? i don't know why this is bothering me so much, or why i can't just make the gross feeling go away. when i think about it, i feel sick; i feel like i need to vomit, or scrub myself raw, or something to make me not feel so dirty. i cry.
6. that i plan to lose 28 pounds before i go back to school in the fall? i weigh a horrible 104 pounds, a disgusting ten pounds heavier than i was my first semester of college. i can't tell you how it felt to have that kind of control over something in a life i have no control in. When i stepped on the scale and saw 94 it was the happiest day of my life. the only thing that could replace it as the happiest day of my life would be stepping on the scale to see 80; fitting into a size 0 and having too much room.
7. that i am purely addicted to laxatives? that i have gone through over six boxes of extra strength exlax since last (late) August? that sometimes to tase food without feeling guilty about consuming it i chew it up and spit it out? do they know i've tried so hard at times to make myself throw up to just get rid of everything in my system? do they know that is why i took laxatives, and that i took four at a time because two no longer work? that i stole laxatives because i was desperate for them and had no money, and did it more than once? that today, i consumed 93.3 calories and burned 300 calories off? that i do over 600 crunches a day, and exercise my ass off profusely?
they don't know anything about what it's like. they don't know what it's like to live with being ana, then not, then going back to it. they don't know what it's like to go through my hell - my hell that i live every singe day, that i have to face every single day. they don't know the hell that is me, the mess that is me, the sick, fucked up little girl that is me. and they don't know that i wrote this, and the few people i know that i know will read this will probably hate me afterwards or never want to speak to me again because i am a fucking freak, a psycho.
i'm done trying. i'm done doing what i'm told. this is MY FUCKING LIFE. that means i am in control. not them. and i will control whatever part of my life that i can, and i will be thin because that is what will make me beautiful, and make me happy.
i'm sorry if i've hurt anyone. but this is what i lived through this passed semester, what i live through every day. this is my pain, and i wear it well, or maybe it wears me. i can't really tell anymore.
they don't know anything.
in fact, if all these people care about me so much, i wonder if they realize any of the following:
1. this semester of college was absolute hell. there is a part of my life (concerning losing someone) that is changing drastically, and i hate rapid change. i have no control over it, and i hate that. i started to just... slip... into this massive depression. i didn't want to go to college. i didn't want to learn or do work. i didn't want to write. i thought everyday what it would be like to just not wake up in the morning, and i fought the urge every single day (still fighting it) to start cutting again. i had the razor in my hand so many times...
2. part of my hell this semester was due to a very sudden upgrade in my anti-sociality. i found that i was, in fact, afraid of people. i have developed a severe social anxiety that interfered with my classes and my learning. the thought of being around my peers in large numbers - or any people of large numbers - made me sick; my heart beat too fast, i started to sweat, i started to shake, and i couldn't breathe. i had to leave class once because i thought i was going to have a serious anxiety attack and pass out; i locked myself in a bathroom stall where i knew no one could see me to try and calm myself down. i can't go grocery shopping because i have such an intense fear of people looking at me, or watching me, an intense fear of what is going through their heads as i pass them by, or that i'm going to embarrass myself.
3.that both of these things combined killed my grades, was and is killing me. it makes me think a lot about just ending it all. honestly, sometimes i want to, really want to. but i haven't, obviously.
4. that i hate myself so much i can't stand to look at my reflection. that i lay in bed, sometimes on the floor, curled up crying because i hate myself, my body, everything. i cry because i want so bad to change what i see in the horrible mirror, that disgusting image i see reflected back at me.
5. that something happened to me a few weeks ago that i don't understand. tell me you would understand why you feel like you were dirty, completely violated if you passed out from having too much to drink, were sick and unconscious, and suddenly woke up to find yourself having sex and knowing you didn't want to, and it was causing you physical pain and you were so confused you cried because you didn't know what was going on and didn't want it to be happening, but didn't say "stop"? i don't know why this is bothering me so much, or why i can't just make the gross feeling go away. when i think about it, i feel sick; i feel like i need to vomit, or scrub myself raw, or something to make me not feel so dirty. i cry.
6. that i plan to lose 28 pounds before i go back to school in the fall? i weigh a horrible 104 pounds, a disgusting ten pounds heavier than i was my first semester of college. i can't tell you how it felt to have that kind of control over something in a life i have no control in. When i stepped on the scale and saw 94 it was the happiest day of my life. the only thing that could replace it as the happiest day of my life would be stepping on the scale to see 80; fitting into a size 0 and having too much room.
7. that i am purely addicted to laxatives? that i have gone through over six boxes of extra strength exlax since last (late) August? that sometimes to tase food without feeling guilty about consuming it i chew it up and spit it out? do they know i've tried so hard at times to make myself throw up to just get rid of everything in my system? do they know that is why i took laxatives, and that i took four at a time because two no longer work? that i stole laxatives because i was desperate for them and had no money, and did it more than once? that today, i consumed 93.3 calories and burned 300 calories off? that i do over 600 crunches a day, and exercise my ass off profusely?
they don't know anything about what it's like. they don't know what it's like to live with being ana, then not, then going back to it. they don't know what it's like to go through my hell - my hell that i live every singe day, that i have to face every single day. they don't know the hell that is me, the mess that is me, the sick, fucked up little girl that is me. and they don't know that i wrote this, and the few people i know that i know will read this will probably hate me afterwards or never want to speak to me again because i am a fucking freak, a psycho.
i'm done trying. i'm done doing what i'm told. this is MY FUCKING LIFE. that means i am in control. not them. and i will control whatever part of my life that i can, and i will be thin because that is what will make me beautiful, and make me happy.
i'm sorry if i've hurt anyone. but this is what i lived through this passed semester, what i live through every day. this is my pain, and i wear it well, or maybe it wears me. i can't really tell anymore.
they don't know anything.