What the hell am I even doing??
I quit Irish Dance two weeks ago, and my mom has been taking it really badly. This week is the last week, there's class today and Thursday, and my mom is trying to force me to go. Because I said no, now I am grounded for an indefinite amount of time. Really, sometimes my mom can act like such an immature kid, even though she's in her forties. About three months ago, I wrote her a letter (here we go again with writing things down and giving them to people) pouring my heart out about how much I hated Irish dance. It made her cry, and I don't like making her cry, but I've been making her cry many times over the past two years, so by now, it's become annoying. She's my mom, can't she be a little stronger and support me? I've been wanting to quit for like three years now, and yet she still tries to force it on me. She tried to make me finish the year, and I was really trying to do it, until two weeks ago.
I just couldn't handle going anymore, I hate it that much. We got in a huge fight (she cried =_=) and I haven't gone since then. But of course, she always has to try to force me to do things, just to try to prove her authority over me. I'm done with this shit. Really, I want to kill myself (I. AM. NOT. EMO.), an Irish dance is just making everything worse because I'm forced to go, and I HATE when people try to force me into things. I basically hinted at this in the letter I wrote to her (I didn't outright say it, because I don't want to be like my older sister who says "I'm going to kill myself!" when she is just grounded for a week or can't go somewhere she wants to), and I thought she caught the drift. Of course she didn't though, she never does. She always says that she's there for me an my sisters and we can tell her anything, but that's not true at all. If you tell her something she doesn't like/agree with, she will just drown you out. My god, I fucking hate her sometimes.
Today she actually accused me of lying when I said I felt sick. One of the worst insults you could give me is to tell me I'm lying. For some reason, it just makes me enraged. If I had any thought of going before, I definitely won't go now, just because she said that to me.
I think that I may be bipolar, but I can't tell her, because then she'll spaz out on me any time she sees me near a sharp object, just like she used to for a solid year after she found out I was cutting myself. She also threatened to send me to an insane asylum. I can't have that.The day I get put in the loony bin is the day that I really kill myself. Also, I don't want anyone to think badly of me. Yes, I do obviously have some mental problems, but I can usually act normal. Maybe a therapist would be able to help me, but I don't want someone to look at me and see me as a freak.
The thing with me is that ever since I was little, I've wanted to die. I have very few memories of my childhood, but the ones I do have are mostly of me hugging my stuffed horse, praying to Jesus for him to kill me. My god, I sound like such a freak right now, but it's true. Until recently, I didn't realize that that's not normal. For a four year old to be praying to be killed, I think that that's really abnormal. I've always hated myself, but I think in the past years, it has gotten much worse. I really need to take care of my problems once and for all, but I'm not sure how. I've always thought that I can work through my problems all by myself, but that obviously hasn't worked.
And with the way I've been lately, I haven't been able to write. (not related to writing- I haven't been able to play guitar much or make any songs for months now, and that's really scaring me, because I love guitar more than life, and I usually play every single day for at least an hour, but I just can't do it anymore because of how I'm feeling). I think I may be ready to stop writing. I'm not even good at it, I don't know why I ever bothered, I just end up getting upset. I've tried to write, but I just can't. The stories I already started are going nowhere. I tried to start a new, simple, easy-to-write one recently to get my creative-ness flowing, but it didn't work. Oh well, I'm sure there are others that write the same things as me, but only better. I just don't think I can do this anymore. I wanted to at least make it to my two year LJ anniversary (in August), but I don't think that that will happen . I tried, though. I really wanted to finish all of my currently ongoing stories before quitting :\
It doesn't really make a difference, anyway. But I'll try a little more.
For now, I guess I'm on indefinite (maybe permanent) hiatus.
I hate how I sound in this, so much. I'm so fucking weak, I can't stand it.
I just couldn't handle going anymore, I hate it that much. We got in a huge fight (she cried =_=) and I haven't gone since then. But of course, she always has to try to force me to do things, just to try to prove her authority over me. I'm done with this shit. Really, I want to kill myself (I. AM. NOT. EMO.), an Irish dance is just making everything worse because I'm forced to go, and I HATE when people try to force me into things. I basically hinted at this in the letter I wrote to her (I didn't outright say it, because I don't want to be like my older sister who says "I'm going to kill myself!" when she is just grounded for a week or can't go somewhere she wants to), and I thought she caught the drift. Of course she didn't though, she never does. She always says that she's there for me an my sisters and we can tell her anything, but that's not true at all. If you tell her something she doesn't like/agree with, she will just drown you out. My god, I fucking hate her sometimes.
Today she actually accused me of lying when I said I felt sick. One of the worst insults you could give me is to tell me I'm lying. For some reason, it just makes me enraged. If I had any thought of going before, I definitely won't go now, just because she said that to me.
I think that I may be bipolar, but I can't tell her, because then she'll spaz out on me any time she sees me near a sharp object, just like she used to for a solid year after she found out I was cutting myself. She also threatened to send me to an insane asylum. I can't have that.The day I get put in the loony bin is the day that I really kill myself. Also, I don't want anyone to think badly of me. Yes, I do obviously have some mental problems, but I can usually act normal. Maybe a therapist would be able to help me, but I don't want someone to look at me and see me as a freak.
The thing with me is that ever since I was little, I've wanted to die. I have very few memories of my childhood, but the ones I do have are mostly of me hugging my stuffed horse, praying to Jesus for him to kill me. My god, I sound like such a freak right now, but it's true. Until recently, I didn't realize that that's not normal. For a four year old to be praying to be killed, I think that that's really abnormal. I've always hated myself, but I think in the past years, it has gotten much worse. I really need to take care of my problems once and for all, but I'm not sure how. I've always thought that I can work through my problems all by myself, but that obviously hasn't worked.
And with the way I've been lately, I haven't been able to write. (not related to writing- I haven't been able to play guitar much or make any songs for months now, and that's really scaring me, because I love guitar more than life, and I usually play every single day for at least an hour, but I just can't do it anymore because of how I'm feeling). I think I may be ready to stop writing. I'm not even good at it, I don't know why I ever bothered, I just end up getting upset. I've tried to write, but I just can't. The stories I already started are going nowhere. I tried to start a new, simple, easy-to-write one recently to get my creative-ness flowing, but it didn't work. Oh well, I'm sure there are others that write the same things as me, but only better. I just don't think I can do this anymore. I wanted to at least make it to my two year LJ anniversary (in August), but I don't think that that will happen . I tried, though. I really wanted to finish all of my currently ongoing stories before quitting :\
It doesn't really make a difference, anyway. But I'll try a little more.
For now, I guess I'm on indefinite (maybe permanent) hiatus.
I hate how I sound in this, so much. I'm so fucking weak, I can't stand it.