Just when you get comfortable, the rug is pulled out from under you
Sometimes I feel like having this journal is silly, and other times it's nice to be able to put my thoughts down and make them concrete.
The last few weeks have been . . . challenging. I'm going through a grieving process, it seems. When I told my boss what times I would need to be away from work this semester, I was told "that might not work." I looked for another job within the hospital that could accommodate my school shedule, unsuccessfully. Since there are no other positions open in my own clinic, I was told I had no choice but to go part-time, despite the fact that I offered to still work full-time hours. I was also told this was a "short-term solution." I figured hey, I'm a good employee and I took this hard-as-hell job because no one else would do it and I figured the clinic needed it - they've got to help me find something else. They can't fire me because I'm in school, doing exactly what I told them A YEAR AND A HALF AGO that I would need to do, right? Right . . . ?
Well. It turns out, yes, they can. I have been informed that I have until January to find another job, or I will likely be unemployed, unless they happen to be able to approve a part-time position just for me, which it sounds like they currently don't think they will be able to do. I talked to HR, cuz wtf? They helped to confirm that it has nothing to do with me or my performance, it's just the situation and the financials blah blah blah and yes they will actually lay me off if I don't find another job.
I've been going through most of the stages of grief. Denial. No way can they do this to me! Anger. What the effing effity effing eff! I've never felt so unjustly, thoroughly and completely screwed over in my entire life. Bargaining. Maybe if they see no one else will do this job part-time to fill in for me? Maybe if I agree to work 12 hr shifts? Maybe if I agree to work later hours? Depression. The last 4 weeks have been fraught with sleepless nights and constant anxiety and no appetite and PANIC OMG WHAT ARE WE GOING TO LIVE ON WE'LL BE IN THE POORHOUSE FOR SURE. After all, who's going to hire someone with less than a year til graduation?? And now that I'm starting school, I'm working 6 days a week between work and class and clinicals. I hardly have time for eating, sleeping, and homework, seeing as the one day I have off is when I have to do all my homework, let alone to look for a job or make a financial plan or try to figure out what the fuck we're going to do.
And then . . . maybe it will all be ok. One way or another. I've complained often enough about this job and if I had my way, I'd go back to being a staff nurse in the clinic. I've given it a good try, but it turns out that leadership is not my cup of tea. Now the end is in sight. Whether they magically find me another position or whether I take a different job within the hospital, I will be doing something else within a few short months.
I've used this with Erick plenty of times, so it's time to use it on myself. I asked myself: what's really the VERY worst that can happen? Well . . . if you want to be extreme about it, worst case scenario is that both of us won't find any jobs at all after we graduate or have to drop out of school altogether before then. We could have to sell our cars, move out of our apartment, spend our savings, and file for bankruptcy because of student loans.
But really, our friends and family may be far-flung, but they would never let us starve. They wouldn't let us be homeless. We would have each other. Does the rest REALLY matter?
As I stood in the sunshine yesterday at the bus stop, waiting for Erick to pick me up, I felt a sense of peace for the first time in months. The sun warmed my skin, the wind played with my hair, and I just felt this serenity . . . it felt like someone was touching my cheek and telling me . . . it looks like a mess now, but just wait.
Just wait.
I'm not good at waiting.
So in the meantime, we're adjusting to having our income cut by 40% and I'm learning how to maintain my sanity while juggling EVERYTHING. And since I'm also learning to ask for help . . . if you have a little extra sanity or even just a little extra kindness or positive thoughts to send my way, I could really use it. Fifteen more weeks til the end of the semester. Here we go!
The last few weeks have been . . . challenging. I'm going through a grieving process, it seems. When I told my boss what times I would need to be away from work this semester, I was told "that might not work." I looked for another job within the hospital that could accommodate my school shedule, unsuccessfully. Since there are no other positions open in my own clinic, I was told I had no choice but to go part-time, despite the fact that I offered to still work full-time hours. I was also told this was a "short-term solution." I figured hey, I'm a good employee and I took this hard-as-hell job because no one else would do it and I figured the clinic needed it - they've got to help me find something else. They can't fire me because I'm in school, doing exactly what I told them A YEAR AND A HALF AGO that I would need to do, right? Right . . . ?
Well. It turns out, yes, they can. I have been informed that I have until January to find another job, or I will likely be unemployed, unless they happen to be able to approve a part-time position just for me, which it sounds like they currently don't think they will be able to do. I talked to HR, cuz wtf? They helped to confirm that it has nothing to do with me or my performance, it's just the situation and the financials blah blah blah and yes they will actually lay me off if I don't find another job.
I've been going through most of the stages of grief. Denial. No way can they do this to me! Anger. What the effing effity effing eff! I've never felt so unjustly, thoroughly and completely screwed over in my entire life. Bargaining. Maybe if they see no one else will do this job part-time to fill in for me? Maybe if I agree to work 12 hr shifts? Maybe if I agree to work later hours? Depression. The last 4 weeks have been fraught with sleepless nights and constant anxiety and no appetite and PANIC OMG WHAT ARE WE GOING TO LIVE ON WE'LL BE IN THE POORHOUSE FOR SURE. After all, who's going to hire someone with less than a year til graduation?? And now that I'm starting school, I'm working 6 days a week between work and class and clinicals. I hardly have time for eating, sleeping, and homework, seeing as the one day I have off is when I have to do all my homework, let alone to look for a job or make a financial plan or try to figure out what the fuck we're going to do.
And then . . . maybe it will all be ok. One way or another. I've complained often enough about this job and if I had my way, I'd go back to being a staff nurse in the clinic. I've given it a good try, but it turns out that leadership is not my cup of tea. Now the end is in sight. Whether they magically find me another position or whether I take a different job within the hospital, I will be doing something else within a few short months.
I've used this with Erick plenty of times, so it's time to use it on myself. I asked myself: what's really the VERY worst that can happen? Well . . . if you want to be extreme about it, worst case scenario is that both of us won't find any jobs at all after we graduate or have to drop out of school altogether before then. We could have to sell our cars, move out of our apartment, spend our savings, and file for bankruptcy because of student loans.
But really, our friends and family may be far-flung, but they would never let us starve. They wouldn't let us be homeless. We would have each other. Does the rest REALLY matter?
As I stood in the sunshine yesterday at the bus stop, waiting for Erick to pick me up, I felt a sense of peace for the first time in months. The sun warmed my skin, the wind played with my hair, and I just felt this serenity . . . it felt like someone was touching my cheek and telling me . . . it looks like a mess now, but just wait.
Just wait.
I'm not good at waiting.
So in the meantime, we're adjusting to having our income cut by 40% and I'm learning how to maintain my sanity while juggling EVERYTHING. And since I'm also learning to ask for help . . . if you have a little extra sanity or even just a little extra kindness or positive thoughts to send my way, I could really use it. Fifteen more weeks til the end of the semester. Here we go!