Road to Recovery
Yesterday I was filled with positive energy and grand plans...and why am I always in the planning stage.
Today, I feel like a college student again...simultaneously doing nothing (aka procrastination) and giving myself a large guilt trip for said non-actions. today I feel antsy, and frozen, and sad all at once...and I'm not completely sure why. The day has barely begun and I feel like I've already failed it. is that even possible? I'm so tired and not the kind of tired a nap would help, though I suppose a nap couldn't hurt.
right in this moment I feel a mess of confusion and emotions. disappointment in myself, tireness, fear, anxiety, lost and very lonely. and it writing that I fear that I'm going to let myself dwell on those...but maybe I won't, maybe I'll finish spilling my guts to unknown internet readers then step away and change my reaction.
So what is it I want out of today? What must I accomplish to let myself just breathe?
file unemployment
check mail
go to grocery
bake cheesecake
also on the list, but I'm going to ignore:
laundry
dishes
job search Aero Corp L1 jobs
plan for next week
find out about ARK volunteering
*sigh* it's not that much and yet I feel like I'm weighted down with rocks. Like it would take exorbitant effort to lift myself off the couch and get moving. Is this laziness or a sign of depression? and why does it even matter, why must I analyze my every move or not move?
speaking of analyze, have u ever noticed that when a trait or feeling is pointed out to you, it suddenly becomes obvious and not only obvious but all you can think about. Anxiety is mine. and damn is it tiring, tiring to think about, tiring to fight.
and it's back...i'm tired. i just want to give up the fight today. I just want to cry, curl up in a ball and go back to bed. as if hiding under the covers will reset the day. and crying will make my already achy head feel better. I'm fighting the urge to call someone, which sounds just as counter productive. but I don't want to drag anyone along on my roller coaster...it's getting more violent...yesterday I was up, this morning I am down, I don't know where I'll be in the next hour or so....hopefully on the exhausting haul back up the hill.
on the other hand, the good note, the yesterday...an evil plan to conquer my directionless life was hatched. I've been tasked to experiment. I'm thinking of it like reporters assignments. jot down all the possibilities and research one a wk. Wk 1: Being an Aero Engineer in Huntsville. Wk 2: Being anything else (career wise) in Hsv. Wk 3: Aero Eng in Houston...you get the idea. it sounds great and so not like me, to experiment that is, and yet like me to pick it completely apart to be studying (then left apart b/c I don't know how things go back together). I can see holes in this plan, but I think it is worth a try. I meet with my teacher again two wks to discuss the Hsv chronicles or whatever two experiments.
Oh and this is also part of my assignment. journal emotions...times and what I was doing. SO for the record, general combo of emotions is shitty with a sad hue and the time is high noon-ish and what I'm doing is Jack shit, except for forcing myself to write about it all.
credit to me for writing. now to unemployment and then I think I am going to recruit help with basic chores and cooking. (i need to bore some energy and encouragement) Also, random thought, though I shouldn't be..I'm going to be disappointed and pissed if no one wants to do Oktoberfest at RSA with me tonight. i guess i need to work on plan b...maybe go anyways, screw them.
~Chris
Today, I feel like a college student again...simultaneously doing nothing (aka procrastination) and giving myself a large guilt trip for said non-actions. today I feel antsy, and frozen, and sad all at once...and I'm not completely sure why. The day has barely begun and I feel like I've already failed it. is that even possible? I'm so tired and not the kind of tired a nap would help, though I suppose a nap couldn't hurt.
right in this moment I feel a mess of confusion and emotions. disappointment in myself, tireness, fear, anxiety, lost and very lonely. and it writing that I fear that I'm going to let myself dwell on those...but maybe I won't, maybe I'll finish spilling my guts to unknown internet readers then step away and change my reaction.
So what is it I want out of today? What must I accomplish to let myself just breathe?
file unemployment
check mail
go to grocery
bake cheesecake
also on the list, but I'm going to ignore:
laundry
dishes
job search Aero Corp L1 jobs
plan for next week
find out about ARK volunteering
*sigh* it's not that much and yet I feel like I'm weighted down with rocks. Like it would take exorbitant effort to lift myself off the couch and get moving. Is this laziness or a sign of depression? and why does it even matter, why must I analyze my every move or not move?
speaking of analyze, have u ever noticed that when a trait or feeling is pointed out to you, it suddenly becomes obvious and not only obvious but all you can think about. Anxiety is mine. and damn is it tiring, tiring to think about, tiring to fight.
and it's back...i'm tired. i just want to give up the fight today. I just want to cry, curl up in a ball and go back to bed. as if hiding under the covers will reset the day. and crying will make my already achy head feel better. I'm fighting the urge to call someone, which sounds just as counter productive. but I don't want to drag anyone along on my roller coaster...it's getting more violent...yesterday I was up, this morning I am down, I don't know where I'll be in the next hour or so....hopefully on the exhausting haul back up the hill.
on the other hand, the good note, the yesterday...an evil plan to conquer my directionless life was hatched. I've been tasked to experiment. I'm thinking of it like reporters assignments. jot down all the possibilities and research one a wk. Wk 1: Being an Aero Engineer in Huntsville. Wk 2: Being anything else (career wise) in Hsv. Wk 3: Aero Eng in Houston...you get the idea. it sounds great and so not like me, to experiment that is, and yet like me to pick it completely apart to be studying (then left apart b/c I don't know how things go back together). I can see holes in this plan, but I think it is worth a try. I meet with my teacher again two wks to discuss the Hsv chronicles or whatever two experiments.
Oh and this is also part of my assignment. journal emotions...times and what I was doing. SO for the record, general combo of emotions is shitty with a sad hue and the time is high noon-ish and what I'm doing is Jack shit, except for forcing myself to write about it all.
credit to me for writing. now to unemployment and then I think I am going to recruit help with basic chores and cooking. (i need to bore some energy and encouragement) Also, random thought, though I shouldn't be..I'm going to be disappointed and pissed if no one wants to do Oktoberfest at RSA with me tonight. i guess i need to work on plan b...maybe go anyways, screw them.
~Chris