I see dead subjects...
I have a nagging habit. I get flashbacks.
I remember things that I just would rather put away. Things said to me that will never make sense considering situations pending.
I see a reality that was ready to go, and never went gold. I saw another that was great in theory, but was never positive in practice. I saw countless others that existed only in my head.
A job here. A "she" there. A direction. A course. A city. Everything is a vague blur when I write about it. Ashamedly, however, I remember EVERY detail.
I remember smells. I remember insecurities. I remember countless hours of hiding in my room from the outside world that sought to hurt me so much.
More than anything, I remember words. What was said, in what spot, at what time, in what fashion, with what look on who's face.
I can tell you exactly what was said. I really can. Words are the most definitive archive in my head.
Right now.... right now I wish I never heard most of the things that I was told. Right now, I wish I could forget. Right now, a sentence has the time to repeat itself in my head thousands of times before I can let go. Sometimes, I never do. Right now, pain comes in the form of a language. Right now, I can translate it hundreds of ways, never missing the intention of the original statement.
Right now, I need some distraction, because I do not have the pieces to make those memories file away.
I remember things that I just would rather put away. Things said to me that will never make sense considering situations pending.
I see a reality that was ready to go, and never went gold. I saw another that was great in theory, but was never positive in practice. I saw countless others that existed only in my head.
A job here. A "she" there. A direction. A course. A city. Everything is a vague blur when I write about it. Ashamedly, however, I remember EVERY detail.
I remember smells. I remember insecurities. I remember countless hours of hiding in my room from the outside world that sought to hurt me so much.
More than anything, I remember words. What was said, in what spot, at what time, in what fashion, with what look on who's face.
I can tell you exactly what was said. I really can. Words are the most definitive archive in my head.
Right now.... right now I wish I never heard most of the things that I was told. Right now, I wish I could forget. Right now, a sentence has the time to repeat itself in my head thousands of times before I can let go. Sometimes, I never do. Right now, pain comes in the form of a language. Right now, I can translate it hundreds of ways, never missing the intention of the original statement.
Right now, I need some distraction, because I do not have the pieces to make those memories file away.