Back From Eloping -- Pictures Coming Soon
Sorry I didn't update while I was away, but the only internet at our hotel was WiFi, and my computer's wireless chip is dead. The few comments I made here-and-there were on the hotel's computer and/or my wife's computer (we didn't use hers much, because of cord issues).
I got back from my trip to New Haven, CT this morning. I have a bunch of stories, which I'll probably post once I've gotten more settled -- including missing our train to NYC; getting photographed by a photojournalist for the local paper; the most GQMF crane machine I've ever seen; our nine hour side trip (aka: getting lost); the best damn vegan food places I've ever seen; our hotel neighbor stalkers; Buttzville, PA; audio books that I listened to; my mother's wedding ring; problems at City Hall with the marriage license; and, of course, the actual wedding.
For those that weren't on the filter, I eloped with my wife over the weekend. We'd had a personal ceremony before, but never a legal ceremony (since same-sex marriages, domestic partnerships, civil unions, and anything similar are expressly illegal in our state). We got married at Lighthouse Point, in New Haven, CT on Thursday, October 1, 2009.
So far our family has been great about it, but I haven't sent out the 'Come To Our Reception' postcards yet, so not everyone's in the know. I'm using the legal ceremony as an excuse to go out and inform people I'd previously not pointed out my relationship to. It'll be freeing in a way, but scary in other ways. I don't think it'll be so bad, though, because the people who matter already know and approve, so the rest can go fuck themselves.
There were many reasons why not everyone knew. I was kicked out of my home, years ago, for being gay. My wife's family is very religious, of the homophobic variety, as is mine -- her dad was a Protestant Pastor, my grandpa's a Deacon, my cousin is aiming for the Catholic Priesthood, her brother used religious reasons to harass my wife about us, my BiL's wife won't look me in the eyes for religious reasons, and I have other priests and nuns on my dad's side. Adding to the fear of acknowledgment were the people who'd seen us all the time and yet still refused to acknowledge our relationship (not just as a relationship that was equal to the other married couples in our family, but as a relationship at all), going so far as to try to set us up with other people.
But I realized, when I got back in touch with one of my estranged cousins (who I used to be best friends with when I was younger), that I wasn't giving people a chance by refraining from being explicitly out to them. I was writing people off as homophobic before giving them a chance, and that wasn't fair to them or me. I'd always thought it was a way to keep me safe, and, to a point, it was, but it was also keeping me away from some of the people that I love very dearly, and stunting relationships before they'd ever had a chance to grow.
It's still a scary thing, though, and I spent many an hour having anxiety attacks before telling various family members about the elopement. Being able to get married is a fantastic blessing, but it doesn't mean that homophobia/biphobia is over. The next person who suggests anything to the contrary is going to get a swift kick to the head. ^^;;
Some other, non-familial instances of homophobia:
- When we went to check-in, the hotel manager tried to get us to switch to two double beds (we'd ordered a King), at no-charge, since the two of us couldn't possibly be comfortable having to sleep so close to another girl.
- Our clerk when we went shopping for some snacks laughed and tried to guess whether we were mother and daughter, sisters, or just friends. Put on the spot, I simply said we were friends, since I didn't want to cause a scene in case he was homophobic -- he'd made a big point of trying to guess our relationship in front of other customers and cashiers. ((And dude, mother and daughter? Abby's 23, and I'm 22. Talk about embarrassingly off.))
- Our photojournalist asked us why we came to CT, and our officiant jumped in with the story of the homophobia back home. They commiserated by clicking their tongues -- and I wanted to smack the straight people who talked about us like we weren't there, speaking for us, even while they benefited from the very privilege that we were trying to temporarily sneak away from.
- Our officiant tried to share with us that I should wear my veil around, so I could get free drinks and food. She went on about how gay bars are so much better than straight bars, and how she has so many gay friends, etc. While I get what she was trying to do, it was still awkward as fuck.
- Every time I went to hold my wife's hand in public, I still had the gut wrenching fear that maybe this time I'd run into a homophobe, maybe this time, in this strange town, I'd run into someone who would hurt us, harm us, scare us, kill us. I didn't know the feel of the town, I wasn't sure if I'd be kicked out of our hotel, if the cops would care if anything had happened, etc. People muttering comments when I grabbed my wife's hand didn't help.
All of those are just a few of the constant reminders of the very real homophobia that's out there still, that is oftentimes glossed over by fandom (and even orig fic and other LJers). That fear, that terror of homophobia was so strong that I realize that I can't even imagine a truly equal world. That even going to someplace like CT, where I'd hoped I'd be free, wasn't enough, wouldn't ever be enough, not until marriage is okay everywhere, until I don't hear shouted comments because I curled my fingers on my wife's arm when walking from the parking lot to the restaurant we were going to for our wedding night's dinner, until I don't have to be terrified of getting kicked-out of my hotel because I insist on wanting a large bed for the two of us instead of two single beds, until I can find a single audio book in the queer mystery genre that isn't just about the sex.
But enough about that. I'll have some great pictures and stories coming soon, and I'll be trying to catch-up ASAP. Woot for being back!
I got back from my trip to New Haven, CT this morning. I have a bunch of stories, which I'll probably post once I've gotten more settled -- including missing our train to NYC; getting photographed by a photojournalist for the local paper; the most GQMF crane machine I've ever seen; our nine hour side trip (aka: getting lost); the best damn vegan food places I've ever seen; our hotel neighbor stalkers; Buttzville, PA; audio books that I listened to; my mother's wedding ring; problems at City Hall with the marriage license; and, of course, the actual wedding.
For those that weren't on the filter, I eloped with my wife over the weekend. We'd had a personal ceremony before, but never a legal ceremony (since same-sex marriages, domestic partnerships, civil unions, and anything similar are expressly illegal in our state). We got married at Lighthouse Point, in New Haven, CT on Thursday, October 1, 2009.
So far our family has been great about it, but I haven't sent out the 'Come To Our Reception' postcards yet, so not everyone's in the know. I'm using the legal ceremony as an excuse to go out and inform people I'd previously not pointed out my relationship to. It'll be freeing in a way, but scary in other ways. I don't think it'll be so bad, though, because the people who matter already know and approve, so the rest can go fuck themselves.
There were many reasons why not everyone knew. I was kicked out of my home, years ago, for being gay. My wife's family is very religious, of the homophobic variety, as is mine -- her dad was a Protestant Pastor, my grandpa's a Deacon, my cousin is aiming for the Catholic Priesthood, her brother used religious reasons to harass my wife about us, my BiL's wife won't look me in the eyes for religious reasons, and I have other priests and nuns on my dad's side. Adding to the fear of acknowledgment were the people who'd seen us all the time and yet still refused to acknowledge our relationship (not just as a relationship that was equal to the other married couples in our family, but as a relationship at all), going so far as to try to set us up with other people.
But I realized, when I got back in touch with one of my estranged cousins (who I used to be best friends with when I was younger), that I wasn't giving people a chance by refraining from being explicitly out to them. I was writing people off as homophobic before giving them a chance, and that wasn't fair to them or me. I'd always thought it was a way to keep me safe, and, to a point, it was, but it was also keeping me away from some of the people that I love very dearly, and stunting relationships before they'd ever had a chance to grow.
It's still a scary thing, though, and I spent many an hour having anxiety attacks before telling various family members about the elopement. Being able to get married is a fantastic blessing, but it doesn't mean that homophobia/biphobia is over. The next person who suggests anything to the contrary is going to get a swift kick to the head. ^^;;
Some other, non-familial instances of homophobia:
- When we went to check-in, the hotel manager tried to get us to switch to two double beds (we'd ordered a King), at no-charge, since the two of us couldn't possibly be comfortable having to sleep so close to another girl.
- Our clerk when we went shopping for some snacks laughed and tried to guess whether we were mother and daughter, sisters, or just friends. Put on the spot, I simply said we were friends, since I didn't want to cause a scene in case he was homophobic -- he'd made a big point of trying to guess our relationship in front of other customers and cashiers. ((And dude, mother and daughter? Abby's 23, and I'm 22. Talk about embarrassingly off.))
- Our photojournalist asked us why we came to CT, and our officiant jumped in with the story of the homophobia back home. They commiserated by clicking their tongues -- and I wanted to smack the straight people who talked about us like we weren't there, speaking for us, even while they benefited from the very privilege that we were trying to temporarily sneak away from.
- Our officiant tried to share with us that I should wear my veil around, so I could get free drinks and food. She went on about how gay bars are so much better than straight bars, and how she has so many gay friends, etc. While I get what she was trying to do, it was still awkward as fuck.
- Every time I went to hold my wife's hand in public, I still had the gut wrenching fear that maybe this time I'd run into a homophobe, maybe this time, in this strange town, I'd run into someone who would hurt us, harm us, scare us, kill us. I didn't know the feel of the town, I wasn't sure if I'd be kicked out of our hotel, if the cops would care if anything had happened, etc. People muttering comments when I grabbed my wife's hand didn't help.
All of those are just a few of the constant reminders of the very real homophobia that's out there still, that is oftentimes glossed over by fandom (and even orig fic and other LJers). That fear, that terror of homophobia was so strong that I realize that I can't even imagine a truly equal world. That even going to someplace like CT, where I'd hoped I'd be free, wasn't enough, wouldn't ever be enough, not until marriage is okay everywhere, until I don't hear shouted comments because I curled my fingers on my wife's arm when walking from the parking lot to the restaurant we were going to for our wedding night's dinner, until I don't have to be terrified of getting kicked-out of my hotel because I insist on wanting a large bed for the two of us instead of two single beds, until I can find a single audio book in the queer mystery genre that isn't just about the sex.
But enough about that. I'll have some great pictures and stories coming soon, and I'll be trying to catch-up ASAP. Woot for being back!