On the Head of a Pin - The Winchester Men
Thursday night was a bit different for me last week. Actually the whole of last week was a bit different, but I won’t go into the chaos that was my life except to say … “it’s over … it’s done with … past is past and I’m ready to move on” … and so I am. Doing something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time … chat about a recent episode with those who are my obsessive Supernatural friends, or those who aren’t but are still reading this. :-)
I’ve been revisiting the past a lot lately. Before my computer issues began, I had planned to begin posting some of my visits to previous episodes. (Yes Whims … I caught your thought on “a book”. No, I’m not going to write a book but I WILL post what I’ve done when we have a chance to breathe and are not caught up in the midst of new turmoil.) I had wanted to get caught up, or at least close to caught up before these newest episodes … before I started writing about these newest episodes. So much for my “best laid plans”.
Then came Thursday and between the chaos of ridding my computer of a trojan worm and the chaos of my thoughts that were tumbling around in my brain before I could catch my breath and quell the emotion that threatened to overwhelm my heart after On the Head of a Pin aired, I knew I couldn’t wait any longer … there was so much to say. It was as though the tapestry that I’d been writing about for so long had taken on a new life of its own. I’m ready to write once again about the show which has proven once again that it is not afraid to damage my heart and shown me once again - to quote my dear friend Mary from her blog on Season Two’s Heart - while I think I know what’s going on, I know nothing at all.
Did you know I used to paint ceramics and cross-stitch? I loved them both for they were a creative outlet … something I could do with my hands, keeping me busy even while I was being a couch potato and my mind was engaged with my television. Unfortunately, along came the not-so-fun diagnosis of carpel tunnel and my doctor not just suggesting but authoritatively “telling” me I needed to give up those fine repetitive motion activities.
There’s a reason I bring this up now, so before collectively rolling eyes and scrolling backwards/forwards to make certain you didn’t miss something, please bear with me.
I loved the painting in particular. I loved choosing my pieces, searching for those that had depth and seemed to have a life of their own, even when they were in white of fresh bisque, or better yet, still in the greenware stage, waiting to be cleaned and detailed before being placed in the heated inferno which would bake their molded shape, sealing it in that position forever. An example … *mumblemumble* years ago, I made a large (18 inches in diameter) ceramic Christmas wreath. It was an intricate working of evergreen boughs, pine cones, holly leaves with ripe berries, a large golden bow and an antique Father Christmas’s face and hat. It was going to be a challenge, one that I anticipated. I had a “tech sheet” giving me the suggested techniques to use, the shades of paints, the mixing of textures, the using of antiquing oils and glistening gold metallics and glitter. I began painting it with excitement … applying each layer painstakingly one by one … base primer followed by color coating followed by shadowing and texture layered with antiquing then wiped clean - leaving just enough to give depth and perspective but requiring more layers before the final clear coating to seal everything and keep it intact. It was (and still is) a treasure that took many days … hours to complete and one that I look forward to unwrapping from its cushion of tissue and bubble wrap each year to hang over my counter where I can enjoy it.
However, my wreath almost never made it to completion. I’ll be honest (and you can verify this as fact with my mother who had the daunting task of talking me down from the proverbial ledge) I almost dashed it against the stones of the fireplace I was so frustrated with it. I had worked so hard on it and the wreath was about two-thirds complete and I hated it. It was so ugly!! I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that something I had pictured as going to be so beautiful was in actuality nothing more than a chaos of colors, so horrid and ugly, something that brought no happiness or sense of beauty. I’m really not kidding. It was hideous. All I could think was that I had done something … that I had missed a stage, overlooked a step, gone in a wrong direction. Afterall … I had the tech sheet … I had the knowledge of my craft and my tools … I even had a picture of how the final product should look.
I thought I knew everything about what I was doing and how it would look, but I didn’t know anything at all.
All I could see was the chaos of color. After so much time I couldn’t recall the excitement and anticipation of the challenge as I began. I was worn out with continually working, shoulders hunched as I bent over the piece, fingers cramped and wrist/elbow aching, eyes dry and tired. I couldn’t remember the beginning and I couldn’t see the ending. All I could fathom was the chaos.
I simply couldn’t take it any longer.
There have been moments during each season with Supernatural where I simply felt I couldn’t take any more. Each year The Kripke and his band of merry tortur… er … um … writers … take me to a point where I begin to think to myself, “That’s it. No more. I can’t take it any further.” I tell myself that I’m not watching anymore. Nope. I won’t. I can’t. It hurts too much. The chaos is too overwhelming.
There are points each year where a brother’s spirit is overwhelmed, a brother’s heart is hurting, a brother’s soul is battered, a brother’s hope is beginning to shatter and I simply can’t take it any longer. Because my spirit, my heart, my soul, my hope is besieged right along with theirs.
Rationally, I know that I am lying to myself.
Realistically, I know that I will be right there the next week … huddled on my couch or snuggled in my comfy chair … watching with bated breath as the threads of the Winchester journey continue to be woven.
On the Head of a Pin is just such an episode … was just such a moment. Such a dramatic, pivotal episode containing so many inescapable heart-wrenching moments, it became almost overwhelming.
As the episode ended and chaos swirled in my mind and my heart, I kept coming back to one question … “What happens when a righteous man is broken?”
“And it is written that the first seal shall be broken when a righteous man sheds blood in hell. As he breaks, so shall it break.”
Dean Winchester … a righteous man? We certainly know that he is not a saint. Angelic and blameless are not words that would be chosen to depict him. Yet, he is a dutiful son … a devoted brother ... a faithful friend … a worthy man who followed his father in their family business … saving people, hunting things … not out of a sense of revenge, like his father, but with his own justifiable principles or morality to guide him. Dean truly believed in what they did.
“I figure our family's so screwed to hell; maybe we can help some others. Makes things a little more bearable. I'll tell you what else helps. Killing as many sons of bitches as I possibly can.”
We think of him as a hero, a distinguished warrior of strength and courage.
He thinks of himself as just a regular guy who doesn’t even like to be singled out at birthday parties.
As the episode ends, I watched that final scene between Dean and Castiel and here is what I saw:
Looking at Dean’s face, lying pale, bloodied and bruised, half in the shadows and half in the pale, cold light of the hospital, I found myself reminded of that pivotal moment in Wendigo … Sam despairing and Dean, his face, so full of conviction in doing right by Haley and her brothers, half in the shadows and half in the warm glow of the firelight.
As I listened to Dean’s voice … broken, rough and weary … his despair and self loathing so evident, I found myself reminded of his speech to Sam in Wendigo with a voice filled with strength and confidence in the knowledge that their job, their family business, was a worthy cause.
Watching the lone tear slip from an eye dulled and haunted, filled with grief, I found myself reminded of those same eyes full of life as they faced his brother that moment in Wendigo, snapping with an excitement in the thrill of the hunt and sure in their purpose.
Yes … the ending moment with Dean was seared into my heart and brain and yet … this isn’t simply Dean’s story. As I watched those singular moments, those threads of grief and despair, haunting and filled with self-loathing, I began to see the journey in my minds eye. These threads of story being woven that are continuing ever forward, set in motion from the first minute of the first episode. The death of Mary, beloved wife and mother, began a story of three Winchester men … John, Dean and Sam.
What happens when a righteous man is broken?
My answer to that question is another … really … two questions …
WHICH righteous man?
Sam? John? Dean?
How do we define broken?
By seduction? By grief? By despair?
Let’s start with Sam Winchester, shall we?
Even though Sam’s time in On the Head of a Pin was seemingly short, in many ways his scenes broke my heart just as much, if not more than Dean’s despair. As much as I wish he could stay that sweet, and seemingly innocent, college boy who popped his head around the door with a quick grin in the pilot, I know that isn’t possible. For a television program set amidst The Kripke’s mythological world of urban legends and the supernatural, it has created one of the more realistic family dramas I’ve had the opportunity to view. The relationships of brother & brother, brother and father, brother and any other character are not simply one or even two dimensional. These characters have been given depth and life and therefore, they must also grow and change and develop just as people do in real life. Sam is no longer the innocent … however he is a righteous man in my mind, no matter the path that he seems to be treading.
A righteous man that is being broken.
When I think of Sam being a righteous man the first thing that actually pops in my mind is of his prissy face … that tightening of lips and rolling of eyes as he blah blahblah blahblahblah blah. *grins* However, that’s not fair. That’s his self-righteous face and let’s face it … both Winchester boys have one of those, Sam’s is just funnier to me.
No, Sam, like Dean, is not angelic or saintly. He wasn’t even a truly dutiful son … always questioning, arguing, pushing for something more … searching for that normalcy that he craved … he learned the maneuvers, the techniques, the art of defense from his drill sergeant father … he learned to bow-hunt, but he pushed until he also got to play soccer. Still questing for his own place, his own way in the world, everything changed for Sam when a teacher took a moment to ask the question, “Do you want to go into the family business?” and he honestly replied, “More than anything no.”
“There may be three or four big choices that shape someone’s whole life … and you need to be the one that makes them … not anyone else. You seem like a great kid, Sam. Just live the life you want to live.”
Yet Sam had integrity. He was, in a lot of ways, the moral compass of the Winchester brothers… “Dude, you are NOT going to poke her with a stick!” … “We could get day jobs once in awhile.” He was fair, trustworthy and seemingly incorruptible.
Then along came a demon.
No. Not Ruby. I’ll get to her in a minute.
Before Ruby, there was YED … and Sam’s innocence was found to actually have been tampered with at the young age of 6 months when the evil was dripped for the first time into his small mouth, giving him a taste of what was to come.
From In the Beginning -
YED: “Demon blood is better than Ovaltine, vitamins, and minerals. It makes you big and strong.”
Dean: “For what? So they can lead your discount demon army? Is that your big plan?”
YED: “Please. My end game’s a hell of a lot bigger than that, kid.”
Was it just me or did things get a whole lot scarier when that announcement was made ... especially in the light of what we know now?
The YED took Sam and the other “children” out to the deserted town of Cold Oak and pit them against each other in an attempt to have them tap into the power bestowed on them with that bit of blood, to have them best each other until only one remained on top, motivated by their will to survive and take down the competition. One that the YED could then manipulate into doing what he wanted.
Problem was … Sam Winchester wasn’t just any kid. He’d grown up refusing the world of evil and supernatural and he wasn’t going to give in now … not even to save himself. Self preservation has never been high on the list of Winchester motivation.
Nope. The YED didn’t provide the right motivation.
But Ruby did.
“I could help you save your brother.”
Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. Where do I start? Okay. First of all, I’m going with character, not actress. Not EVEN gonna start that little debate going here. Okie doke? Like her, don’t like her, doesn’t matter, because the character itself is where the true plan lies.
From No Rest for the Wicked -
Ruby: “Ummmmm … Demon. Manipulative's kinda in the job description. Fact is, that you would have never considered it. Not until you were …”
Sam: “Desperate enough?”
Teasing and tantalizing him … never actually lying to him (“I can help YOU save your brother.”) but not telling the complete truth either, Ruby led Sam through Season Three. Scared of losing his brother, unable to locate any way possible to save him, in those final hours, Sam started to become desperate enough to consider her help … her demonic help. Dean was his weak link, just as he was Dean’s and they both were their father’s. As Dean said, “Sammy, all I’m saying is that you’re my weak spot. ----- You are. And I’m yours.” Dean knew it and so did the demons … so did Ruby … so did Lilith. Sam was just a bit slower in picking up the clue, plus … he didn’t want to … he didn’t care. All of a sudden he was faced with the giant black hole of life without his brother. He’d done it before thanks to the Trickster in Mystery Spot and he couldn’t face it again. He was willing to do anything.
But time was out.
And Dean was gone. This time not by a trickster’s slight of hand, but the very real hell hounds … “demonic pit bulls”.
Sam was alone … driven by grief for the loss of his brother, but also the crushing weight of guilt in that he hadn’t been able to save him and now Dean’s soul was in hell - a trade for bringing Sam back to life. Plus, don’t you think Sam was filled with the overwhelming regret that he didn’t give in and try Ruby’s solution? Only his brother’s words stayed him from the attempt … he held out … even after Ruby’s return … attempting to save Dean by any means possible. Fueled by Ruby’s words, Sam’s desire of revenge on Lilith finally overtook his sense of integrity and the incorruptible man began treading the slippery slope. We didn’t know how he was gaining the power to dispel the demons with his mind, we just knew that Ruby was involved.
On the Head of the Pin gave us that information. I can’t believe it but I gotta say … I really rather they’d have had sex. However, that said … it was like one more piece of the puzzle … the un-noticed thread from that part of the tapestry suddenly brought to light. Twenty-five years ago, demon blood started all this … makes sense that demon blood continues it, strengthens it, making it more powerful as it consumes Sam, corrupting him. When she pulled the knife, my heart clenched … my mind screamed … I found myself wishing that she would just stab him, anything but what actually transpired. Because as repulsed as I was at Sam’s drinking of Ruby’s demonic blood … it was the celebratory look on her face as he drank … as she PETTED HIS HEAD! as he drank and whispered “It’s okay, Sam” that had me screeching in fear for the youngest Winchester. Seduction is a subtle art form and Ruby’s technique has been flawless. I don’t care that she “saved” him, that she has “helped” them … she’s a demon and I don’t trust her. I don’t care that she allowed herself to be the bait to bring Alistair, allowed herself to be tortured to accomplish what they needed in Heaven and Hell … she’s a demon and I don’t trust her.
Two words … Demons lie.
And sometimes … as Dean told Jo in BUABS, they tell the truth … “especially if they know it will mess with your head.”
I hope I’m wrong … I wish I was wrong … I WANT to be wrong … but Ruby … *shakes head*
Since the first time we met her in The Magnificent Seven, Ruby has been following her own agenda and you can just bet that “helping Sam” gain this power in slaying demons, is not HER end game. Of this, I am certain. How she fits with Azazel, I don’t know, but I’m not ruling out any possibilities at this point.
Besides! Did you catch it? She called him Sammy! Sammy!!!!! No one calls Sam “Sammy” but Dean. That’s the rule. Period. She’s crossed the line.
Seriously though, Sam … well, Sam is blinded by his need to protect Dean who he perceives to have been changed, weakened by his time in hell. Once again … Winchesters are each other’s greatest weakness.
It seemed a filler shot … but it wasn’t to me. Sam driving through the night to reach the place the angels had taken Dean … filled with purpose, his blood soaring with demonic power and his mind set on saving his brother. There was a strength and maturity there that the young Sam from the pilot could not have pulled off … but at what cost to his own soul? I seriously watched that one scene … that one moment several times … just watching his eyes. The quick *blink & miss* slide of his iris from Sammy pretty to demonic black, chilled my soul. The only saving grace was my further watching made certain that Sam’s eyes did not go fully black. Yet.
Sam’s arrival at the warehouse was in some ways predictable, as was his killing of Alistair, but it wasn’t. This was not the cavalry riding in to save the day. It was dark and it was scary and just because the end result was the information needed and the death of Alistair does not mean that Sam walked away any less scathed than Dean. No headache, no bleeding nose … he’s adapting … his body is not recoiling at the onslaught of demon power surging through it.
I know how easy it is to justify it … he’s a good man, he can control it … he was saving his brother … he was getting the information that the angels needed, setting the ball in motion to the further revelation that Uriel was working against the angel team, not for them, and he killed one of hell’s master torturer’s. Point for the team. Yay.
No.
Not yay.
Because at what cost to his soul did he score this point?
** Side note … it would not have been good, and it certainly wouldn’t have followed the storyline, but I REALLY would have liked to have seen Sam face off against Uriel at that moment, after killing Alistair. There would have been something so satisfying in possibility of seeing actual fear in Uriel’s eyes.
Oh! and pause for a moment here for me, please, … I need to say this and I’m not sure where else to tuck it … remember back in Season Two when we were all going nuts over all the people the boys were dodging … demons viruses, Gordon, the feds, not to mention other hunters after Meggy interfered? Okay … correct me if I’m wrong … but seems to me the list of factions making the boys life crazy, intentional or unintentional has grown a bit:
Faction #1 - Lilith … working to free Lucifer by breaking seals and bring about the apocalypse
Faction #2 - Angels … Castiel & his garrison working to keep seals from being broken and freeing Lucifer
Faction #3 - Other Angels … Uriel … Okay, yes, dead NOW but what about those he’s subverted, working to allow Lucifer to be freed?
Faction #4 - Ruby … working on her own scary agenda
Faction #5 - Anna … also working on her own agenda
Faction #6 - Is it just me, or does anyone still wonder where Meggy is out there????
Yikes.
Okay … back to business … Sam Winchester … righteous man … devout brother ... broken in ways yet to be seen as he succumbs to the lure of the demon blood in his quest to kill Lilith.
The moment in the hospital room by Dean’s side brought back so many thoughts of IMTOD. Mostly of that togetherness that I so needed to see … “you've got to hold on. You can't go, man, not now. We were just starting to be brothers again” … of Sam’s frantic search to try and help his brother. There was no frantic search this time. Just a quiet watchfulness … an air of protection blanketing his unconscious sibling as he waited until Castiel appeared in the doorway. Then, jaw tightening, eyes hardening, there was no stumbling request, no awestruck humbleness in the face of an angel … it was simply a quiet, yet fierce command … “Miracle … NOW!”
Not to mention a righteous brother’s indignation:
“This whole thing was pointless … you understand that? The demons aren’t doing the hits. Something else is killing your soldiers.”
Direct and to the point, Sam didn’t care about offending anyone. His only concern was how everything that Uriel and Castiel demanded of Dean affected his brother’s well-being. Sam couldn’t save his brother last year from being sent to hell, but now that Dean’s back and obviously tormented, Sam’s fear and worry for his brother are going to have him falling further into Ruby’s demonic plan. It worries me how Sam will respond when he finds out … will he be able to gain strength to fight back or will it break him?
Another part of the tapestry that received fresh layers woven was that of John Winchester … marine, husband, father, hunter … he died when he sold his soul to the Yellow Eyed Demon to save Dean, and ultimately Sam.
Was John a righteous man? We know he was already broken in a lot of ways by his grief for his Mary. We know that he had regrets that he hadn’t been able to be a better father to his sons, instead becoming a drill sergeant and ultimately pushing one son away. We know that his expectations were high, particularly with his eldest and including Dean’s watching out for Sammy. We know that he was driven by revenge to the exclusion of home, family, and even friends. He seemed to have had a falling out with most everyone.
And yet …
There’s that moment … in Shadow … when he turns from the window and Dean recognizes his father and simply walks into his arms - safe in the knowledge that he was loved and for those moments, well, he was protected as well.
There was that moment … in Dead Man’s Blood … when he and Sam are alone in the cabin waiting for Dean and there is a sharing, a bonding, a revelation of how they were actually more alike that either thought.
Have I mentioned recently how much I love this show??? I mean, seriously. Physically present in only twelve episodes out of seventy-six (one of those only vocally) and yet my beloved BDW is still a major factor in the weaving of the journey!
So, which was more shocking? The fact that John was tortured by Alistair during his ten months in hell or Alistair’s proclamation …
“You know, it was supposed to be your father. He was supposed to bring it on. But in the end, it was you.”
What the … ????
John?
John Winchester?
This is just another one of those demon lies … right??
Big Daddy John Winchester was supposed to bring on the apocalypse … the freeing of Lucifer? Seriously? Since John was in hell and being tortured long before Lilith took on her bid for power, would anyone like to revisit a couple of the moments in the boiler room in IMTOD?
YED: “You know the truth, right? About Sammy? And the other children?”
John: “Yeah, I’ve known for awhile.”
John: “Do we have a deal?”
YED: “No, John. Not. Yet. You still need to sweeten the pot.”
John: “With what?”
YED: “There’s something else I want, as much as that gun. Maybe more.”
Now, I could be wrong … I’ve been that way before … but that sure sounds to me as though YED was looking for John to be the righteous man to spill blood in hell, breaking the seal and beginning the quest to free Lucifer. We don’t know what Azazel’s end game was, yet we know for a fact that he’d been setting pieces into play before he met Mary as a young girl and long after Sam was born. It is possible that he believed the time to be right … the players for him were in one position … The Colt had been located … it could be that John’s bargain was a matter of opportunity not to be passed.
Plus … now we could even question how much “truth” did John know about Sam and the other children? Did he know about the demon blood? Did he know about Azazel’s desire for a leader … a second in command? Or did he know of the YED’s further plans … the part that we have yet to truly be privy?
Deal done, John went to hell and … according to Alistair … John didn’t break. According to Alistair, no matter how he tortured John, he resisted the deal to “get off the rack” and therefore, the seal remained unbroken and consequently, John Winchester escaped from hell when the Devil’s Gate was opened.
We all know what happened next … the YED was killed by Dean, with some help from his father … and the tyrant’s plan fell apart.
Here’s my question … was Alistair telling the truth or lying?
We honestly don’t know. As much as I love my BDW … as much as I believe him to be a hero - flawed in many ways, but still a hero - I don’t really believe that he held out against one hundred years of torture. Although, he had been torturing himself for the previous 23 years due to Mary’s death, I just don’t see him as the righteous man to break the seal. Again, I could be wrong. I’ve been that way before.
Either way though, Alistair knew the torment those words would bring to Dean. Whether John resisted or not … Alistair’s words would strike Dean to his marrow … because in his eyes ... in his heart, his father was a hero.
As Dean said … “He’s like a blackbelt in torture.” Alistair would know how to easily torture someone, not just physically but psychologically. Having been the one to slice and carve on Dean for 30 years, he knew his subject inside and out. He knew each button to push to cause even more exquisite pain. He knew the damage it did to Dean’s soul when he finally gave in and “climbed off the rack”. He could easily read the despairing guilt those 10 years caused his “student”.
Nothing could have struck the final blow to break Dean’s spirit than hearing how he didn’t measure up to the man he’d spent his life following … admiring … emulating … loving.
Well … almost nothing.
While Alistair’s taunt using his father cut Dean to his marrow, it was the pronouncement that it was Dean’s own act of giving in to his tormentor was the one that opened the first seal … the one that Lilith had desired - setting her plan in motion - that sliced him open completely and laid him bare.
Looking back, a few things now make a lot of sense …
Bedtime Stories -
Crossroad Demon: “I got a boss like everyone else. He holds the contract, not me. He wants Dean’s soul bad. And believe me, he’s not going to let it go.”
(Yes, yes, I know, it wasn’t a “he” but a “she” - typo in the script, storyline, or delivery - doesn’t matter - the gist is the same.)
No Rest for the Wicked -
Sam: “So, you have me. Let my brother go.”
Lilith: “Silly goose. You wanna bargain, you have to have something that I want.”
She already had exactly what she wanted … it was just a matter of time.
I Know What You Did Last Summer -
Sam: “I don’t want 10 years. I don’t want 1 year. I don’t want candy! I want to trade places with Dean.”
CRD: “No.”
Sam: “Just take me. It’s a fair trade.”
CRD: “No.”
Sam: “Why not? Lilith wants me dead. Just let Dean go and she can have me.”
CRD: “Don’t you understand, Sam? It’s not about YOUR soul. Dean’s in hell … right where we want him. We’ve got everything exactly the way we want it.”
Isn’t it amazing how seemingly small moments end up foretelling?
It makes me go back to the beginning … back to when we first beginning to get a clearer picture of the tapestry The Kripke and his crew were weaving for us, never dreaming it would bring us to this point of heartache and chaos.
Remember Faith?
Roy LeGrange: “Well, like I said before, the Lord guides me. I looked into your heart and you just stood out from all the rest.”
Dean: “What did you see in my heart?”
Roy LeGrange: “A young man with an important purpose. A job to do. And it isn’t finished.”
I wish that Roy would make a bedside visit. Somehow I think Dean might actually listen a bit closer to Roy than he will listen to the angel that had him go through that door.
I find myself wondering … how much memory did Dean take with him to hell? We know he called out for Sam to save him (Yeah, cause THAT scene’s moment is forever seared into my heart.) … but what else did he take with him? Did he continue to turn Ruby’s words over in his head as Alistair wielded his tools of torture …
“the same thing will happen to you. It might take centuries, but sooner or later hell will burn away your humanity. Every hell bound soul, every one turns into something else. Turns you into us, so yeah, yeah you can count on it.”
… or did he recall his own nightmare demon’s words …
“You can’t escape me, Dean. You’re gonna die. And this? This is what you’re gonna become.”
Dean’s own sense of self-worth has ever been his own personal hell. Alistair would have recognized that and capitalized upon it. He used it to break Dean in hundreds of ways until we come to the end of this episode and he is lying in a hospital bed once again … broken … a righteous man who has hit rock bottom.
“I guess I’m not the man either of our dads wanted me to be.”
Now it’s time to pick up the pieces and move forward, putting the past behind.
“It’s not … blame that falls on you Dean. It’s fate. And the righteous man who begins it, is the only one who can finish it.”
Here’s the thing … remember my Christmas wreath? It was so ugly in all it’s chaos, even with all the painstaking detail I’d already completed, I was ready to throw it all away. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that something good was still to come … that I could finish it and have it be something beautiful to cherish. I needed my mom to bring me around, believe in me, have faith in me. I finished it to prove it to her … to myself that I could do it.
Dean is weighed down by the chaos that has become his life … the ugliness has overtaken him and he can’t see past it. He can’t believe in himself because all he sees is the destruction he feels he is responsible for creating … blaming himself for the lives lost. He can’t wrap his mind around the fact that he will be able to not only be strong enough to end Lucifer’s rising, to end the apocalypse.
What happens when a righteous man is broken?
In Dean’s case, needs someone to bring him around, to be strong enough for him as he gets back on his feet. He needs something/someone to truly care about. He needs Sam.
We’ve always … ALWAYS … said that the Winchester brothers are better together than they ever could be apart. Bad things happen when the brother’s split up. (I direct your attention to Scarecrow … to Hunted … to Time is on My Side … and then I rest my case.)
“We’re stronger as a family, Dad. We just are. You know it.”
Bad things have been happening this season as the brothers have seemed to be pulling away from each other. It culminated in the hurtful words at the end of Sex and Violence. Watching Sam in such a protective mode with his brother in the hospital gave me hope. These two draw strength from each other, but they need to also be open and honest with each other. While Dean might share his experiences with Sam, it is critical at this point that Sam share with Dean what is going on with him. Protecting Sam is as much a part of Dean as breathing. He’s done it for so long that it is second nature. He simply needs the incentive to do it again … because … yes, Sam has grown and become independent - he had to in order to survive without Dean - however, he still needs his brother.
Sam: “Well, come on, dude, you're a hunter. I mean, it's what you were meant to do.”
Dean: “Oh, I wasn't meant to do anything, I don't believe in that destiny crap.”
Sam: “You mean you don't believe in my destiny.”
Dean: “Yeah … whatever.”
I still think that “saving Sam” is a part of the overall theme of the tapestry being woven. Dean just needs to realize he may be down, but he’s not out.
Remember at the end of Family Remains … the boys are ready to leave and Dean looks at Susan and asks “You okay?”?? Remember her reply?
“No. We’re the opposite of okay. But we’re together.”
Family … amidst all the chaos that swirls around them … if the Winchesters hold to family, they will come out on the other side of the chaos.
***********************************
Okay folks, those are my initial thoughts on this eppy. Before you get all picky with me … yes, I know that I left out a hefty chunk and I didn’t have any words about the angels … Castiel in particular … you lusting inmates, you. :-) There’s a reason for that.
Simply put … LJ doesn’t support the lengthy rambles the way TVG did. I’m not sure about how lengthy I can get on BFZ, but I knew that if I wrote completely … including Castiel, Anna, and Uriel’s epic portion of this episode, it would be too much for a single LiveJournal entry and I would, once again, be forced to split it up. I didn’t want to do that - on their terms. I chose to split it my way … on my terms … by writing about what was closest to my heart - The Winchester Men - and then, time allowing, writing a second piece about the Angelic Manuevers & Demon Taunts as they danced on the head of a pin amidst the chaos. *grins*
This episode was simply too full of too much goodness and I continue to watch it and be amazed at all that is in it, even as I am overwhelmed by it. Each character was masterfully played by their respective actor. Kudos go all around. The girlies and I have decided that Alistair is top of the all time evil characters, Christopher Heyerdahl simply exuded nastiness. I’m not going to start with Robert, Misha, and Julie’s angelic portrayals … saving that for my part 2 … except to say they brought they were exceptional and, while the angels seemed to have taken time away from The Boys - much to the consternation of some fans, I’m sure - I appreciated it for the completion it gave to not only this individual chapter of this season’s novel, but also for it’s turning and propelling of the story forward.
As for Jensen and Jared … *sigh* … once again these two slip easily into the skin of their counterparts and bring to life such clarity and emotion. The dialogue is natural, but just as meaningful are those moments of silence. These two deserve much more than kudos from me, but that’s all I have to offer.
Oh … and Ben Edlund? I’m adding you to my list. You’ve given me much over the last couple years, but you’ve never carved out my heart as you did with On the Head of a Pin.
I’m now at my word/page limit, so that’s it for me for now. Thanks for stopping by. *waves*
.
I’ve been revisiting the past a lot lately. Before my computer issues began, I had planned to begin posting some of my visits to previous episodes. (Yes Whims … I caught your thought on “a book”. No, I’m not going to write a book but I WILL post what I’ve done when we have a chance to breathe and are not caught up in the midst of new turmoil.) I had wanted to get caught up, or at least close to caught up before these newest episodes … before I started writing about these newest episodes. So much for my “best laid plans”.
Then came Thursday and between the chaos of ridding my computer of a trojan worm and the chaos of my thoughts that were tumbling around in my brain before I could catch my breath and quell the emotion that threatened to overwhelm my heart after On the Head of a Pin aired, I knew I couldn’t wait any longer … there was so much to say. It was as though the tapestry that I’d been writing about for so long had taken on a new life of its own. I’m ready to write once again about the show which has proven once again that it is not afraid to damage my heart and shown me once again - to quote my dear friend Mary from her blog on Season Two’s Heart - while I think I know what’s going on, I know nothing at all.
Did you know I used to paint ceramics and cross-stitch? I loved them both for they were a creative outlet … something I could do with my hands, keeping me busy even while I was being a couch potato and my mind was engaged with my television. Unfortunately, along came the not-so-fun diagnosis of carpel tunnel and my doctor not just suggesting but authoritatively “telling” me I needed to give up those fine repetitive motion activities.
There’s a reason I bring this up now, so before collectively rolling eyes and scrolling backwards/forwards to make certain you didn’t miss something, please bear with me.
I loved the painting in particular. I loved choosing my pieces, searching for those that had depth and seemed to have a life of their own, even when they were in white of fresh bisque, or better yet, still in the greenware stage, waiting to be cleaned and detailed before being placed in the heated inferno which would bake their molded shape, sealing it in that position forever. An example … *mumblemumble* years ago, I made a large (18 inches in diameter) ceramic Christmas wreath. It was an intricate working of evergreen boughs, pine cones, holly leaves with ripe berries, a large golden bow and an antique Father Christmas’s face and hat. It was going to be a challenge, one that I anticipated. I had a “tech sheet” giving me the suggested techniques to use, the shades of paints, the mixing of textures, the using of antiquing oils and glistening gold metallics and glitter. I began painting it with excitement … applying each layer painstakingly one by one … base primer followed by color coating followed by shadowing and texture layered with antiquing then wiped clean - leaving just enough to give depth and perspective but requiring more layers before the final clear coating to seal everything and keep it intact. It was (and still is) a treasure that took many days … hours to complete and one that I look forward to unwrapping from its cushion of tissue and bubble wrap each year to hang over my counter where I can enjoy it.
However, my wreath almost never made it to completion. I’ll be honest (and you can verify this as fact with my mother who had the daunting task of talking me down from the proverbial ledge) I almost dashed it against the stones of the fireplace I was so frustrated with it. I had worked so hard on it and the wreath was about two-thirds complete and I hated it. It was so ugly!! I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that something I had pictured as going to be so beautiful was in actuality nothing more than a chaos of colors, so horrid and ugly, something that brought no happiness or sense of beauty. I’m really not kidding. It was hideous. All I could think was that I had done something … that I had missed a stage, overlooked a step, gone in a wrong direction. Afterall … I had the tech sheet … I had the knowledge of my craft and my tools … I even had a picture of how the final product should look.
I thought I knew everything about what I was doing and how it would look, but I didn’t know anything at all.
All I could see was the chaos of color. After so much time I couldn’t recall the excitement and anticipation of the challenge as I began. I was worn out with continually working, shoulders hunched as I bent over the piece, fingers cramped and wrist/elbow aching, eyes dry and tired. I couldn’t remember the beginning and I couldn’t see the ending. All I could fathom was the chaos.
I simply couldn’t take it any longer.
There have been moments during each season with Supernatural where I simply felt I couldn’t take any more. Each year The Kripke and his band of merry tortur… er … um … writers … take me to a point where I begin to think to myself, “That’s it. No more. I can’t take it any further.” I tell myself that I’m not watching anymore. Nope. I won’t. I can’t. It hurts too much. The chaos is too overwhelming.
There are points each year where a brother’s spirit is overwhelmed, a brother’s heart is hurting, a brother’s soul is battered, a brother’s hope is beginning to shatter and I simply can’t take it any longer. Because my spirit, my heart, my soul, my hope is besieged right along with theirs.
Rationally, I know that I am lying to myself.
Realistically, I know that I will be right there the next week … huddled on my couch or snuggled in my comfy chair … watching with bated breath as the threads of the Winchester journey continue to be woven.
On the Head of a Pin is just such an episode … was just such a moment. Such a dramatic, pivotal episode containing so many inescapable heart-wrenching moments, it became almost overwhelming.
As the episode ended and chaos swirled in my mind and my heart, I kept coming back to one question … “What happens when a righteous man is broken?”
“And it is written that the first seal shall be broken when a righteous man sheds blood in hell. As he breaks, so shall it break.”
Dean Winchester … a righteous man? We certainly know that he is not a saint. Angelic and blameless are not words that would be chosen to depict him. Yet, he is a dutiful son … a devoted brother ... a faithful friend … a worthy man who followed his father in their family business … saving people, hunting things … not out of a sense of revenge, like his father, but with his own justifiable principles or morality to guide him. Dean truly believed in what they did.
“I figure our family's so screwed to hell; maybe we can help some others. Makes things a little more bearable. I'll tell you what else helps. Killing as many sons of bitches as I possibly can.”
We think of him as a hero, a distinguished warrior of strength and courage.
He thinks of himself as just a regular guy who doesn’t even like to be singled out at birthday parties.
As the episode ends, I watched that final scene between Dean and Castiel and here is what I saw:
Looking at Dean’s face, lying pale, bloodied and bruised, half in the shadows and half in the pale, cold light of the hospital, I found myself reminded of that pivotal moment in Wendigo … Sam despairing and Dean, his face, so full of conviction in doing right by Haley and her brothers, half in the shadows and half in the warm glow of the firelight.
As I listened to Dean’s voice … broken, rough and weary … his despair and self loathing so evident, I found myself reminded of his speech to Sam in Wendigo with a voice filled with strength and confidence in the knowledge that their job, their family business, was a worthy cause.
Watching the lone tear slip from an eye dulled and haunted, filled with grief, I found myself reminded of those same eyes full of life as they faced his brother that moment in Wendigo, snapping with an excitement in the thrill of the hunt and sure in their purpose.
Yes … the ending moment with Dean was seared into my heart and brain and yet … this isn’t simply Dean’s story. As I watched those singular moments, those threads of grief and despair, haunting and filled with self-loathing, I began to see the journey in my minds eye. These threads of story being woven that are continuing ever forward, set in motion from the first minute of the first episode. The death of Mary, beloved wife and mother, began a story of three Winchester men … John, Dean and Sam.
What happens when a righteous man is broken?
My answer to that question is another … really … two questions …
WHICH righteous man?
Sam? John? Dean?
How do we define broken?
By seduction? By grief? By despair?
Let’s start with Sam Winchester, shall we?
Even though Sam’s time in On the Head of a Pin was seemingly short, in many ways his scenes broke my heart just as much, if not more than Dean’s despair. As much as I wish he could stay that sweet, and seemingly innocent, college boy who popped his head around the door with a quick grin in the pilot, I know that isn’t possible. For a television program set amidst The Kripke’s mythological world of urban legends and the supernatural, it has created one of the more realistic family dramas I’ve had the opportunity to view. The relationships of brother & brother, brother and father, brother and any other character are not simply one or even two dimensional. These characters have been given depth and life and therefore, they must also grow and change and develop just as people do in real life. Sam is no longer the innocent … however he is a righteous man in my mind, no matter the path that he seems to be treading.
A righteous man that is being broken.
When I think of Sam being a righteous man the first thing that actually pops in my mind is of his prissy face … that tightening of lips and rolling of eyes as he blah blahblah blahblahblah blah. *grins* However, that’s not fair. That’s his self-righteous face and let’s face it … both Winchester boys have one of those, Sam’s is just funnier to me.
No, Sam, like Dean, is not angelic or saintly. He wasn’t even a truly dutiful son … always questioning, arguing, pushing for something more … searching for that normalcy that he craved … he learned the maneuvers, the techniques, the art of defense from his drill sergeant father … he learned to bow-hunt, but he pushed until he also got to play soccer. Still questing for his own place, his own way in the world, everything changed for Sam when a teacher took a moment to ask the question, “Do you want to go into the family business?” and he honestly replied, “More than anything no.”
“There may be three or four big choices that shape someone’s whole life … and you need to be the one that makes them … not anyone else. You seem like a great kid, Sam. Just live the life you want to live.”
Yet Sam had integrity. He was, in a lot of ways, the moral compass of the Winchester brothers… “Dude, you are NOT going to poke her with a stick!” … “We could get day jobs once in awhile.” He was fair, trustworthy and seemingly incorruptible.
Then along came a demon.
No. Not Ruby. I’ll get to her in a minute.
Before Ruby, there was YED … and Sam’s innocence was found to actually have been tampered with at the young age of 6 months when the evil was dripped for the first time into his small mouth, giving him a taste of what was to come.
From In the Beginning -
YED: “Demon blood is better than Ovaltine, vitamins, and minerals. It makes you big and strong.”
Dean: “For what? So they can lead your discount demon army? Is that your big plan?”
YED: “Please. My end game’s a hell of a lot bigger than that, kid.”
Was it just me or did things get a whole lot scarier when that announcement was made ... especially in the light of what we know now?
The YED took Sam and the other “children” out to the deserted town of Cold Oak and pit them against each other in an attempt to have them tap into the power bestowed on them with that bit of blood, to have them best each other until only one remained on top, motivated by their will to survive and take down the competition. One that the YED could then manipulate into doing what he wanted.
Problem was … Sam Winchester wasn’t just any kid. He’d grown up refusing the world of evil and supernatural and he wasn’t going to give in now … not even to save himself. Self preservation has never been high on the list of Winchester motivation.
Nope. The YED didn’t provide the right motivation.
But Ruby did.
“I could help you save your brother.”
Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. Where do I start? Okay. First of all, I’m going with character, not actress. Not EVEN gonna start that little debate going here. Okie doke? Like her, don’t like her, doesn’t matter, because the character itself is where the true plan lies.
From No Rest for the Wicked -
Ruby: “Ummmmm … Demon. Manipulative's kinda in the job description. Fact is, that you would have never considered it. Not until you were …”
Sam: “Desperate enough?”
Teasing and tantalizing him … never actually lying to him (“I can help YOU save your brother.”) but not telling the complete truth either, Ruby led Sam through Season Three. Scared of losing his brother, unable to locate any way possible to save him, in those final hours, Sam started to become desperate enough to consider her help … her demonic help. Dean was his weak link, just as he was Dean’s and they both were their father’s. As Dean said, “Sammy, all I’m saying is that you’re my weak spot. ----- You are. And I’m yours.” Dean knew it and so did the demons … so did Ruby … so did Lilith. Sam was just a bit slower in picking up the clue, plus … he didn’t want to … he didn’t care. All of a sudden he was faced with the giant black hole of life without his brother. He’d done it before thanks to the Trickster in Mystery Spot and he couldn’t face it again. He was willing to do anything.
But time was out.
And Dean was gone. This time not by a trickster’s slight of hand, but the very real hell hounds … “demonic pit bulls”.
Sam was alone … driven by grief for the loss of his brother, but also the crushing weight of guilt in that he hadn’t been able to save him and now Dean’s soul was in hell - a trade for bringing Sam back to life. Plus, don’t you think Sam was filled with the overwhelming regret that he didn’t give in and try Ruby’s solution? Only his brother’s words stayed him from the attempt … he held out … even after Ruby’s return … attempting to save Dean by any means possible. Fueled by Ruby’s words, Sam’s desire of revenge on Lilith finally overtook his sense of integrity and the incorruptible man began treading the slippery slope. We didn’t know how he was gaining the power to dispel the demons with his mind, we just knew that Ruby was involved.
On the Head of the Pin gave us that information. I can’t believe it but I gotta say … I really rather they’d have had sex. However, that said … it was like one more piece of the puzzle … the un-noticed thread from that part of the tapestry suddenly brought to light. Twenty-five years ago, demon blood started all this … makes sense that demon blood continues it, strengthens it, making it more powerful as it consumes Sam, corrupting him. When she pulled the knife, my heart clenched … my mind screamed … I found myself wishing that she would just stab him, anything but what actually transpired. Because as repulsed as I was at Sam’s drinking of Ruby’s demonic blood … it was the celebratory look on her face as he drank … as she PETTED HIS HEAD! as he drank and whispered “It’s okay, Sam” that had me screeching in fear for the youngest Winchester. Seduction is a subtle art form and Ruby’s technique has been flawless. I don’t care that she “saved” him, that she has “helped” them … she’s a demon and I don’t trust her. I don’t care that she allowed herself to be the bait to bring Alistair, allowed herself to be tortured to accomplish what they needed in Heaven and Hell … she’s a demon and I don’t trust her.
Two words … Demons lie.
And sometimes … as Dean told Jo in BUABS, they tell the truth … “especially if they know it will mess with your head.”
I hope I’m wrong … I wish I was wrong … I WANT to be wrong … but Ruby … *shakes head*
Since the first time we met her in The Magnificent Seven, Ruby has been following her own agenda and you can just bet that “helping Sam” gain this power in slaying demons, is not HER end game. Of this, I am certain. How she fits with Azazel, I don’t know, but I’m not ruling out any possibilities at this point.
Besides! Did you catch it? She called him Sammy! Sammy!!!!! No one calls Sam “Sammy” but Dean. That’s the rule. Period. She’s crossed the line.
Seriously though, Sam … well, Sam is blinded by his need to protect Dean who he perceives to have been changed, weakened by his time in hell. Once again … Winchesters are each other’s greatest weakness.
It seemed a filler shot … but it wasn’t to me. Sam driving through the night to reach the place the angels had taken Dean … filled with purpose, his blood soaring with demonic power and his mind set on saving his brother. There was a strength and maturity there that the young Sam from the pilot could not have pulled off … but at what cost to his own soul? I seriously watched that one scene … that one moment several times … just watching his eyes. The quick *blink & miss* slide of his iris from Sammy pretty to demonic black, chilled my soul. The only saving grace was my further watching made certain that Sam’s eyes did not go fully black. Yet.
Sam’s arrival at the warehouse was in some ways predictable, as was his killing of Alistair, but it wasn’t. This was not the cavalry riding in to save the day. It was dark and it was scary and just because the end result was the information needed and the death of Alistair does not mean that Sam walked away any less scathed than Dean. No headache, no bleeding nose … he’s adapting … his body is not recoiling at the onslaught of demon power surging through it.
I know how easy it is to justify it … he’s a good man, he can control it … he was saving his brother … he was getting the information that the angels needed, setting the ball in motion to the further revelation that Uriel was working against the angel team, not for them, and he killed one of hell’s master torturer’s. Point for the team. Yay.
No.
Not yay.
Because at what cost to his soul did he score this point?
** Side note … it would not have been good, and it certainly wouldn’t have followed the storyline, but I REALLY would have liked to have seen Sam face off against Uriel at that moment, after killing Alistair. There would have been something so satisfying in possibility of seeing actual fear in Uriel’s eyes.
Oh! and pause for a moment here for me, please, … I need to say this and I’m not sure where else to tuck it … remember back in Season Two when we were all going nuts over all the people the boys were dodging … demons viruses, Gordon, the feds, not to mention other hunters after Meggy interfered? Okay … correct me if I’m wrong … but seems to me the list of factions making the boys life crazy, intentional or unintentional has grown a bit:
Faction #1 - Lilith … working to free Lucifer by breaking seals and bring about the apocalypse
Faction #2 - Angels … Castiel & his garrison working to keep seals from being broken and freeing Lucifer
Faction #3 - Other Angels … Uriel … Okay, yes, dead NOW but what about those he’s subverted, working to allow Lucifer to be freed?
Faction #4 - Ruby … working on her own scary agenda
Faction #5 - Anna … also working on her own agenda
Faction #6 - Is it just me, or does anyone still wonder where Meggy is out there????
Yikes.
Okay … back to business … Sam Winchester … righteous man … devout brother ... broken in ways yet to be seen as he succumbs to the lure of the demon blood in his quest to kill Lilith.
The moment in the hospital room by Dean’s side brought back so many thoughts of IMTOD. Mostly of that togetherness that I so needed to see … “you've got to hold on. You can't go, man, not now. We were just starting to be brothers again” … of Sam’s frantic search to try and help his brother. There was no frantic search this time. Just a quiet watchfulness … an air of protection blanketing his unconscious sibling as he waited until Castiel appeared in the doorway. Then, jaw tightening, eyes hardening, there was no stumbling request, no awestruck humbleness in the face of an angel … it was simply a quiet, yet fierce command … “Miracle … NOW!”
Not to mention a righteous brother’s indignation:
“This whole thing was pointless … you understand that? The demons aren’t doing the hits. Something else is killing your soldiers.”
Direct and to the point, Sam didn’t care about offending anyone. His only concern was how everything that Uriel and Castiel demanded of Dean affected his brother’s well-being. Sam couldn’t save his brother last year from being sent to hell, but now that Dean’s back and obviously tormented, Sam’s fear and worry for his brother are going to have him falling further into Ruby’s demonic plan. It worries me how Sam will respond when he finds out … will he be able to gain strength to fight back or will it break him?
Another part of the tapestry that received fresh layers woven was that of John Winchester … marine, husband, father, hunter … he died when he sold his soul to the Yellow Eyed Demon to save Dean, and ultimately Sam.
Was John a righteous man? We know he was already broken in a lot of ways by his grief for his Mary. We know that he had regrets that he hadn’t been able to be a better father to his sons, instead becoming a drill sergeant and ultimately pushing one son away. We know that his expectations were high, particularly with his eldest and including Dean’s watching out for Sammy. We know that he was driven by revenge to the exclusion of home, family, and even friends. He seemed to have had a falling out with most everyone.
And yet …
There’s that moment … in Shadow … when he turns from the window and Dean recognizes his father and simply walks into his arms - safe in the knowledge that he was loved and for those moments, well, he was protected as well.
There was that moment … in Dead Man’s Blood … when he and Sam are alone in the cabin waiting for Dean and there is a sharing, a bonding, a revelation of how they were actually more alike that either thought.
Have I mentioned recently how much I love this show??? I mean, seriously. Physically present in only twelve episodes out of seventy-six (one of those only vocally) and yet my beloved BDW is still a major factor in the weaving of the journey!
So, which was more shocking? The fact that John was tortured by Alistair during his ten months in hell or Alistair’s proclamation …
“You know, it was supposed to be your father. He was supposed to bring it on. But in the end, it was you.”
What the … ????
John?
John Winchester?
This is just another one of those demon lies … right??
Big Daddy John Winchester was supposed to bring on the apocalypse … the freeing of Lucifer? Seriously? Since John was in hell and being tortured long before Lilith took on her bid for power, would anyone like to revisit a couple of the moments in the boiler room in IMTOD?
YED: “You know the truth, right? About Sammy? And the other children?”
John: “Yeah, I’ve known for awhile.”
John: “Do we have a deal?”
YED: “No, John. Not. Yet. You still need to sweeten the pot.”
John: “With what?”
YED: “There’s something else I want, as much as that gun. Maybe more.”
Now, I could be wrong … I’ve been that way before … but that sure sounds to me as though YED was looking for John to be the righteous man to spill blood in hell, breaking the seal and beginning the quest to free Lucifer. We don’t know what Azazel’s end game was, yet we know for a fact that he’d been setting pieces into play before he met Mary as a young girl and long after Sam was born. It is possible that he believed the time to be right … the players for him were in one position … The Colt had been located … it could be that John’s bargain was a matter of opportunity not to be passed.
Plus … now we could even question how much “truth” did John know about Sam and the other children? Did he know about the demon blood? Did he know about Azazel’s desire for a leader … a second in command? Or did he know of the YED’s further plans … the part that we have yet to truly be privy?
Deal done, John went to hell and … according to Alistair … John didn’t break. According to Alistair, no matter how he tortured John, he resisted the deal to “get off the rack” and therefore, the seal remained unbroken and consequently, John Winchester escaped from hell when the Devil’s Gate was opened.
We all know what happened next … the YED was killed by Dean, with some help from his father … and the tyrant’s plan fell apart.
Here’s my question … was Alistair telling the truth or lying?
We honestly don’t know. As much as I love my BDW … as much as I believe him to be a hero - flawed in many ways, but still a hero - I don’t really believe that he held out against one hundred years of torture. Although, he had been torturing himself for the previous 23 years due to Mary’s death, I just don’t see him as the righteous man to break the seal. Again, I could be wrong. I’ve been that way before.
Either way though, Alistair knew the torment those words would bring to Dean. Whether John resisted or not … Alistair’s words would strike Dean to his marrow … because in his eyes ... in his heart, his father was a hero.
As Dean said … “He’s like a blackbelt in torture.” Alistair would know how to easily torture someone, not just physically but psychologically. Having been the one to slice and carve on Dean for 30 years, he knew his subject inside and out. He knew each button to push to cause even more exquisite pain. He knew the damage it did to Dean’s soul when he finally gave in and “climbed off the rack”. He could easily read the despairing guilt those 10 years caused his “student”.
Nothing could have struck the final blow to break Dean’s spirit than hearing how he didn’t measure up to the man he’d spent his life following … admiring … emulating … loving.
Well … almost nothing.
While Alistair’s taunt using his father cut Dean to his marrow, it was the pronouncement that it was Dean’s own act of giving in to his tormentor was the one that opened the first seal … the one that Lilith had desired - setting her plan in motion - that sliced him open completely and laid him bare.
Looking back, a few things now make a lot of sense …
Bedtime Stories -
Crossroad Demon: “I got a boss like everyone else. He holds the contract, not me. He wants Dean’s soul bad. And believe me, he’s not going to let it go.”
(Yes, yes, I know, it wasn’t a “he” but a “she” - typo in the script, storyline, or delivery - doesn’t matter - the gist is the same.)
No Rest for the Wicked -
Sam: “So, you have me. Let my brother go.”
Lilith: “Silly goose. You wanna bargain, you have to have something that I want.”
She already had exactly what she wanted … it was just a matter of time.
I Know What You Did Last Summer -
Sam: “I don’t want 10 years. I don’t want 1 year. I don’t want candy! I want to trade places with Dean.”
CRD: “No.”
Sam: “Just take me. It’s a fair trade.”
CRD: “No.”
Sam: “Why not? Lilith wants me dead. Just let Dean go and she can have me.”
CRD: “Don’t you understand, Sam? It’s not about YOUR soul. Dean’s in hell … right where we want him. We’ve got everything exactly the way we want it.”
Isn’t it amazing how seemingly small moments end up foretelling?
It makes me go back to the beginning … back to when we first beginning to get a clearer picture of the tapestry The Kripke and his crew were weaving for us, never dreaming it would bring us to this point of heartache and chaos.
Remember Faith?
Roy LeGrange: “Well, like I said before, the Lord guides me. I looked into your heart and you just stood out from all the rest.”
Dean: “What did you see in my heart?”
Roy LeGrange: “A young man with an important purpose. A job to do. And it isn’t finished.”
I wish that Roy would make a bedside visit. Somehow I think Dean might actually listen a bit closer to Roy than he will listen to the angel that had him go through that door.
I find myself wondering … how much memory did Dean take with him to hell? We know he called out for Sam to save him (Yeah, cause THAT scene’s moment is forever seared into my heart.) … but what else did he take with him? Did he continue to turn Ruby’s words over in his head as Alistair wielded his tools of torture …
“the same thing will happen to you. It might take centuries, but sooner or later hell will burn away your humanity. Every hell bound soul, every one turns into something else. Turns you into us, so yeah, yeah you can count on it.”
… or did he recall his own nightmare demon’s words …
“You can’t escape me, Dean. You’re gonna die. And this? This is what you’re gonna become.”
Dean’s own sense of self-worth has ever been his own personal hell. Alistair would have recognized that and capitalized upon it. He used it to break Dean in hundreds of ways until we come to the end of this episode and he is lying in a hospital bed once again … broken … a righteous man who has hit rock bottom.
“I guess I’m not the man either of our dads wanted me to be.”
Now it’s time to pick up the pieces and move forward, putting the past behind.
“It’s not … blame that falls on you Dean. It’s fate. And the righteous man who begins it, is the only one who can finish it.”
Here’s the thing … remember my Christmas wreath? It was so ugly in all it’s chaos, even with all the painstaking detail I’d already completed, I was ready to throw it all away. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that something good was still to come … that I could finish it and have it be something beautiful to cherish. I needed my mom to bring me around, believe in me, have faith in me. I finished it to prove it to her … to myself that I could do it.
Dean is weighed down by the chaos that has become his life … the ugliness has overtaken him and he can’t see past it. He can’t believe in himself because all he sees is the destruction he feels he is responsible for creating … blaming himself for the lives lost. He can’t wrap his mind around the fact that he will be able to not only be strong enough to end Lucifer’s rising, to end the apocalypse.
What happens when a righteous man is broken?
In Dean’s case, needs someone to bring him around, to be strong enough for him as he gets back on his feet. He needs something/someone to truly care about. He needs Sam.
We’ve always … ALWAYS … said that the Winchester brothers are better together than they ever could be apart. Bad things happen when the brother’s split up. (I direct your attention to Scarecrow … to Hunted … to Time is on My Side … and then I rest my case.)
“We’re stronger as a family, Dad. We just are. You know it.”
Bad things have been happening this season as the brothers have seemed to be pulling away from each other. It culminated in the hurtful words at the end of Sex and Violence. Watching Sam in such a protective mode with his brother in the hospital gave me hope. These two draw strength from each other, but they need to also be open and honest with each other. While Dean might share his experiences with Sam, it is critical at this point that Sam share with Dean what is going on with him. Protecting Sam is as much a part of Dean as breathing. He’s done it for so long that it is second nature. He simply needs the incentive to do it again … because … yes, Sam has grown and become independent - he had to in order to survive without Dean - however, he still needs his brother.
Sam: “Well, come on, dude, you're a hunter. I mean, it's what you were meant to do.”
Dean: “Oh, I wasn't meant to do anything, I don't believe in that destiny crap.”
Sam: “You mean you don't believe in my destiny.”
Dean: “Yeah … whatever.”
I still think that “saving Sam” is a part of the overall theme of the tapestry being woven. Dean just needs to realize he may be down, but he’s not out.
Remember at the end of Family Remains … the boys are ready to leave and Dean looks at Susan and asks “You okay?”?? Remember her reply?
“No. We’re the opposite of okay. But we’re together.”
Family … amidst all the chaos that swirls around them … if the Winchesters hold to family, they will come out on the other side of the chaos.
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Okay folks, those are my initial thoughts on this eppy. Before you get all picky with me … yes, I know that I left out a hefty chunk and I didn’t have any words about the angels … Castiel in particular … you lusting inmates, you. :-) There’s a reason for that.
Simply put … LJ doesn’t support the lengthy rambles the way TVG did. I’m not sure about how lengthy I can get on BFZ, but I knew that if I wrote completely … including Castiel, Anna, and Uriel’s epic portion of this episode, it would be too much for a single LiveJournal entry and I would, once again, be forced to split it up. I didn’t want to do that - on their terms. I chose to split it my way … on my terms … by writing about what was closest to my heart - The Winchester Men - and then, time allowing, writing a second piece about the Angelic Manuevers & Demon Taunts as they danced on the head of a pin amidst the chaos. *grins*
This episode was simply too full of too much goodness and I continue to watch it and be amazed at all that is in it, even as I am overwhelmed by it. Each character was masterfully played by their respective actor. Kudos go all around. The girlies and I have decided that Alistair is top of the all time evil characters, Christopher Heyerdahl simply exuded nastiness. I’m not going to start with Robert, Misha, and Julie’s angelic portrayals … saving that for my part 2 … except to say they brought they were exceptional and, while the angels seemed to have taken time away from The Boys - much to the consternation of some fans, I’m sure - I appreciated it for the completion it gave to not only this individual chapter of this season’s novel, but also for it’s turning and propelling of the story forward.
As for Jensen and Jared … *sigh* … once again these two slip easily into the skin of their counterparts and bring to life such clarity and emotion. The dialogue is natural, but just as meaningful are those moments of silence. These two deserve much more than kudos from me, but that’s all I have to offer.
Oh … and Ben Edlund? I’m adding you to my list. You’ve given me much over the last couple years, but you’ve never carved out my heart as you did with On the Head of a Pin.
I’m now at my word/page limit, so that’s it for me for now. Thanks for stopping by. *waves*
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