(no subject)
Fighting among friends is never fun. I've been doing that for the past two nights and it gets old after a while. But...I'm not even really sure I can call this person a friend cause she stopped talking to me eons ago.
But something she said keeps haunting me. And I don't want it to.
Because you know, I'm not going to ignore my shit that's going and pretend it doesn't exist like you okay.
Maybe she's right. Maybe I am hiding from certain aspects of my life. But, on the other hand, just because I don't voice my concerns/fears/insecurities/horrors, doesn't mean I'm not thinking about them. I dwell on everything that comes my way. It sucks but, that's the way I've always been. My skin has never really been that thick.
I also found that I'm worrying over the wrong things. Yeah, that didn't sound right but I'm going to try and make sense of it. Call it me not hiding if you want.
I'm bitchy to the people I shouldn't be, and nice to the people I should be bitching at. How monumentally fucked is that? I hate how I am at work. I absolutely detest myself in that environment. I know, when I mouth off, or snap at someone, that it's wrong. Everything in me is screaming at me to stop but...as crazy and stupid as it sounds...I haven't mastered how yet.
I wanna change, I really do. I want to grow up and stop being so damn immature about certain things. Cause, lets face it, I am. When I'm at work, I do act like a stupid little kid. I show my age in that place and that may just be part of the reason why the owners treat me the way they do.
I know I definitely warrant some of the comments I get back when I'm snotty. I won't doubt that for one second. I just...wish I could fix myself overnight.
And I feel like I'm acting so ungrateful for the things being done for me. She's done nothing but be the best friend she can be to me and I do nothing. I definitely don't want people running to others when they have a problem with me, even though I'm already fully aware that the problem exists.
I'm not really sure where all this rambling is getting me, its not really making me feel any better. This is my first step into the real world and I feel like I'm failing miserably.
Okay the dog needs to go out so I'm going to do that then try and pick up a little. Maybe distractions will help...even though I really shouldn't hide from my life just cause I'm scared.
But something she said keeps haunting me. And I don't want it to.
Because you know, I'm not going to ignore my shit that's going and pretend it doesn't exist like you okay.
Maybe she's right. Maybe I am hiding from certain aspects of my life. But, on the other hand, just because I don't voice my concerns/fears/insecurities/horrors, doesn't mean I'm not thinking about them. I dwell on everything that comes my way. It sucks but, that's the way I've always been. My skin has never really been that thick.
I also found that I'm worrying over the wrong things. Yeah, that didn't sound right but I'm going to try and make sense of it. Call it me not hiding if you want.
I'm bitchy to the people I shouldn't be, and nice to the people I should be bitching at. How monumentally fucked is that? I hate how I am at work. I absolutely detest myself in that environment. I know, when I mouth off, or snap at someone, that it's wrong. Everything in me is screaming at me to stop but...as crazy and stupid as it sounds...I haven't mastered how yet.
I wanna change, I really do. I want to grow up and stop being so damn immature about certain things. Cause, lets face it, I am. When I'm at work, I do act like a stupid little kid. I show my age in that place and that may just be part of the reason why the owners treat me the way they do.
I know I definitely warrant some of the comments I get back when I'm snotty. I won't doubt that for one second. I just...wish I could fix myself overnight.
And I feel like I'm acting so ungrateful for the things being done for me. She's done nothing but be the best friend she can be to me and I do nothing. I definitely don't want people running to others when they have a problem with me, even though I'm already fully aware that the problem exists.
I'm not really sure where all this rambling is getting me, its not really making me feel any better. This is my first step into the real world and I feel like I'm failing miserably.
Okay the dog needs to go out so I'm going to do that then try and pick up a little. Maybe distractions will help...even though I really shouldn't hide from my life just cause I'm scared.