i found this thing from 2005
i remember being happy.
i havent been sincerely happy in so long.
but i was happy,
i remember smiling an honest smile,
i remember how crooked it was,
i remember not trying to smile,
just that it happened,
simple, crooked, charming.
i remember all my bracelets and how whenever i was writing they would dig in to my arm
because of the pressure againt the desk, but i continued to wear them, day after day.
i liked them, and it didnt bother me that i had to move them up my arm when i was writing.
i remember not caring what shirt i wore,
theyd always be clean, smell nice, hung up.
and i would grab one and put it on.
id be clean, comfortable, happy.
I remember wearing the same jeans every friday.
i remember waking up early on friday
just because i felt like showering that morning.
i would shower the night before every other day,
but friday, id wake up early to shower before school.
i remember being healthy and sober.
i remember being outgoing without alcohol.
i remember being thin,
i remember having 36C's.
i remember brown hair, with natural highlights.
i remember smooth hair that i brushed maybe twice a week.
i remember long hair with layers.
soft hair.
i remember white teeth and only two fillings.
i remember making it to my dentist and doctors appointments.
i remember perfectly shaped eyebrows and it not beig painfull to pluck them.
i remember wearing silly colored tights and being content with them.
i remember concerts,
lots of concerts,
local shows.
i remember walking all over hell to get icecream or rent movies.
i remember flaming hot cheetos and jones soda.
i remember lighting fireworks off in my room. i
remember birthday parties in my room.
i remember sitting on my roof.
i remember meeting new people and sleeping on couches.
i remember writing secret messages in notebooks that people probably never read.
i remember rolling around on the floor and declaring to never drink again.
i remember comfort.
i remember friends.
i remember life without sex,
life with little sex,
life where sex meant something.
i remember letting it all go.
and now i remember picking up the pieces.
happy is a state of mind.
i think i just have to much stress.
and alcohol doesnt make what tore me apart go away.
i havent been sincerely happy in so long.
but i was happy,
i remember smiling an honest smile,
i remember how crooked it was,
i remember not trying to smile,
just that it happened,
simple, crooked, charming.
i remember all my bracelets and how whenever i was writing they would dig in to my arm
because of the pressure againt the desk, but i continued to wear them, day after day.
i liked them, and it didnt bother me that i had to move them up my arm when i was writing.
i remember not caring what shirt i wore,
theyd always be clean, smell nice, hung up.
and i would grab one and put it on.
id be clean, comfortable, happy.
I remember wearing the same jeans every friday.
i remember waking up early on friday
just because i felt like showering that morning.
i would shower the night before every other day,
but friday, id wake up early to shower before school.
i remember being healthy and sober.
i remember being outgoing without alcohol.
i remember being thin,
i remember having 36C's.
i remember brown hair, with natural highlights.
i remember smooth hair that i brushed maybe twice a week.
i remember long hair with layers.
soft hair.
i remember white teeth and only two fillings.
i remember making it to my dentist and doctors appointments.
i remember perfectly shaped eyebrows and it not beig painfull to pluck them.
i remember wearing silly colored tights and being content with them.
i remember concerts,
lots of concerts,
local shows.
i remember walking all over hell to get icecream or rent movies.
i remember flaming hot cheetos and jones soda.
i remember lighting fireworks off in my room. i
remember birthday parties in my room.
i remember sitting on my roof.
i remember meeting new people and sleeping on couches.
i remember writing secret messages in notebooks that people probably never read.
i remember rolling around on the floor and declaring to never drink again.
i remember comfort.
i remember friends.
i remember life without sex,
life with little sex,
life where sex meant something.
i remember letting it all go.
and now i remember picking up the pieces.
happy is a state of mind.
i think i just have to much stress.
and alcohol doesnt make what tore me apart go away.