I'm crazy, but I'm sane enough to realize it.
My 10 year high school reunion is happening this coming Saturday, and I won't be attending. The activity surrounding the reunion has stirred a lot of old and buried memories.
The whole situation started on facebook, when someone associated with my high school's reunion committee decided to use that website as a platform for gathering information for the reunion. I hesitated at first to allow the reunion to contact me, because it has been 10 years, a few things have vastly changed in my life and high school was an accumulation of bad memories and experiences that I'd rather was left alone. But in the end my curiosity won out, mostly because I'd wondered if anyone would remember me, or even care to.
I got Mike, one of my few remaining high school friends and someone with about as much love for that place as me, involved as well of sorts. The reunion planning got us talking and reminiscing about our high school lives. Of course we both ended up getting rather bitter about it all. High school drama, I don't really need to say more, we had our share of it, more than our share even... maybe. I got to thinking tonight, that maybe we just focused so much on the bad times, because those are the easiest to remember.
High school was no easy trip for me, I wasn't popular, I wasn't a jock or even really into sports, and I had just as hard of a time then making friends as I do now, but I think I wasn't as willing to come to terms with that. On the other hand, I know the overall experience, the four years give or take, that I was there, wasn't all bad. I just can't think of much of the good, I don't really remember the good memories, and I don't know if that's a result of having so few of them, or just because I brood on the bad ones so much they seem larger by comparison. It might even be a result of hindsight being sharper, back then I didn't let things get to me, because I couldn't or I wouldn't have had any friends. That isn't true of course, its just that, looking back now, I was made fun of, used... all that high school drama stuff, but most of the time I was just too naive to understand.
The reunion gets to me though, because I don't really want to go, I don't really have much in common with those people anymore and I can say for certain I'm a totally different person now than I was then. The thing is no matter how much I say I don't want to go, I know that a part of me is lying by saying that. Well that isn't entirely true, I don't want to go, but I do wish I had contact with those people. I'm a curious person by nature, maybe a bit too curious for my own good, but the fact is I wonder. In the last 10 years what has changed for them. I just want to know, I'm also curious if anyone remembers me or cares to and I do wonder a bit at least what they would think of me as I am now.
On the other hand, I don't want to go because I fear that people would just fall back into the old high school roles, the jocks, the popular crowd, the outcasts... Maybe those roles would be justified even, once people saw who was successful, who has failed, saw the people that are still as beautiful as they were back then and those that married the good looking people. I just don't know where I would stand with those people, and I'm not entirely sure I want to find out. Yeah it would be nice to find out I was better off than the average person, that they were impressed by me or with me, but I just don't see that happening.
In the first place I am aware that I'm not the best looking person in the world. I know its a bit vain but it is something I think about at times. I know I look different from back then, my hair is longer now, I'm not as scrawny, I think I'm even a bit taller, but still at times when I'm feeling good about my looks, I nab a glance at a picture of me and I just see all the faults. I never really worried about looks before cause there isn't much you can do to change them, so much of it is based on genetics, but it still bothers me. It is also a bit disheartening when people confuse you for a girl, and this isn't something that just happened once, it happens regularly enough that it bothers me at times. Maybe its just the long hair, or it could be my voice too, I know the voice I hear isn't what everyone else does, I'm aware of that, as well as the fact that mine isn't the most masculine voice. I've gotten used to my voice, but still at times... its annoying. Another thing, I'm not nearly as successful as I could have been. This is of course my fault entirely, but it is something I feel like I am judged on.
I just see how much I've changed in 10 years, and I think no one is as amazed as I am. I hate to admit this but I used to be ruled by fear. It might be hard to believe, in fact I'm sure lots of people might think its plain not true, but that is how I see it. So much of my life I acted or didn't act because I was afraid, sometimes to the point of being paralyzed with fear. It wasn't just a shyness, which is how it often came across. Yes I was shy, I still am generally though I think I'm growing out of it now, but I was afraid a lot too. I guess I just never let it show, maybe I'm a better actor than I ever knew. I don't know how else to explain it, unless I just highly underestimate myself, which is possible. Some example are in order I'm sure. First off, from probably age ten until I was an adult I was convinced I was going to die before I turned 18, or maybe 21. It was so... real.. an idea to me that it did effect how I acted. I didn't want to learn how to drive because of that and I wasn't really serious about thinking what to do when I grew up. Though to be honest, part of the reason I didn't want to learn how to drive a car was because I knew I'd have to take a test with a stranger, and I was so afraid of that too.
Another thing, I am so afraid of pain, of physical hurt, might be thought to be a natural reaction, but I fear surgery so much that I'm not sure I would get it if I had to. But I got laser eye surgery when I was 24? And that experience sticks with me, because the doctor said I was the best patient he'd had all day, I didn't fidget I appeared calm and I was just generally cooperative and easy to work with. Thing is I was scared to death of the whole thing. Even before the surgery, heck if it hadn't happened so fast I don't think I'd have done it. See I went in for a consultation and at the end they had the contract all ready for me, and had the appointment made for the following week. It happened so fast I sort of forgot to say no, well not really but I didn't have a chance to think about it, because if I had, I'd have put it off and if I'd put it off I'd never had done it.
Work is another example. Just about every job I've worked has scared me, not just getting the job, either, but actually training and such. I was so scared of changing jobs when I got the offer from TSA that I almost turned down the job. One that would pay better for less hours than I was working, and all because I was scared of doing something new and on the excuse that it wouldn't be as flexible with time off. Even after I accepted the job and made it through training, which was an ordeal for me, I remember a few times during those first few days that I wondered if I should just quit cause I was scared. It wasn't just because it was a new job either, it was because of how much I had to interact with people I didn't know, get into situations of conflict. Thing is... now I like the job, I handle it really well, I feel like I actually am GOOD at it. Sure there are days I don't like it, but I think that holds true of any job. People say that if you work a job you love that you won't ever really work, but I say that's crap. If I could get paid to sit on my butt and just screw around on my computer I think even that would get to be stressful some days.
Work has always been an issue for me, I fear work, not just because of the need to interact with strangers (darn shyness) but also I think cause I fear failure. That and I feel like I'm not really great at anything, I'm good at many things, but not great at any one. So I always wonder why I should work a job that someone else can probably do much better. That isn't to say that I don't like doing a lot of things, I just don't think I could do them as work. Like cooking, I like to cook, I feel like I actually am good at it, but I couldn't ever be a chef. I've watched the tv shows, it looks hard, and scary, and I always worry that people won't like my cooking... just couldn't handle the pressure of being a professional and having someone tell me I cooked their food wrong.
The thing is I have changed a lot, I am doing great at work. It seems like I'm a totally different person, between my confidence and my ability to interact with people. I just look at how I am now and how I was then, and if I didn't know that I am me, I'd wonder if those weren't two separate people. Which leads me to one other big change, my name change. I know with the reunion someone would ask about my name change, and I wouldn't really know what to tell them. I wouldn't know, because honestly I don't fully know myself why I wanted to change my name. It really started as a lark, I just went around telling people I wanted to change my name, but I don't think i was ever really serious about it. Until Meg basically did it for me, if left on my own I don't think I would have gotten it done. But now that I have done it, well I feel more like ME. I had never before put stock in all that hokey talk about how your name determines your personality and such, but I look at who I am now, how I act and feel, and my name FITS now, it feels right. Its like I was wearing some other person's jacket all my life, then I found my own, and it fit me and it was comfortable.
But I don't really know what to tell other people that ask the why of it. I get that question at work still, and I think even my own parents still wonder why. I tell them all that it is just a name that is more fitting to my looks, and this is partly true, but its also true that I just disliked my father's family and wanted to separate myself from them. I love my father, but I am put off by his family. I feel bad for that, for saying that, for thinking it, for it being true, but it is true. And in the end I feel whole now, with my new name, that is neither my father's name, nor truly my mother's either.
All these changes, but most of it is so personal I don't think I've really talked much with anyone about it before. So I dunno how I would end up sharing it with people that are practically strangers. This is what I wish I could show the people from high school, but I just don't think they'd see it because the changes aren't something you notice in one night. Not to mention, I think they would actually have to be interested in knowing about all this, and a 10 year reunion isn't really a place to find out about the deep soul searching someone has done. People at reunions seem to talk about what has changed, what is new, but I am doubtful as to the honesty of their intentions. in other words, they want to know the small changes, they really are just making small talk, new job, married, kids? All okay, but huge personal discoveries, soul searching or major personal accomplishments, not really interested. Besides, I come back to looking at myself, and I just don't think I measure up. All these changes make me better to me, but compared to others...
It isn't just the faults in myself that I worry about, I mean I know everyone has those. Its just the fact that I can see my own faults the clearest. I guess I'd just hate to go to the reunion and see all those people that looked like they were doing so well and here I am feeling so inadequate. Things aren't so bad for me, it is all just about the comparisons, seeing how happy and successful these people are 10 years later after all the hell I went through. On the other hand, I wouldn't really wish disaster on any of them now just to feel better myself. It just seems that maybe me not going is for the best.
And that is about that. I seem to have gone on for quite a bit. I guess I just felt like talking about how I do feel better off now. I amaze myself by how different I am, how much for the better. If I knew then what I know now. But that is one of the problems I have with the reunion, it seems like it is looking back on something that is gone, and can't be changed. Although I guess I wanted to say, I don't think high school was as bad as all my complaining made it out to be.
The whole situation started on facebook, when someone associated with my high school's reunion committee decided to use that website as a platform for gathering information for the reunion. I hesitated at first to allow the reunion to contact me, because it has been 10 years, a few things have vastly changed in my life and high school was an accumulation of bad memories and experiences that I'd rather was left alone. But in the end my curiosity won out, mostly because I'd wondered if anyone would remember me, or even care to.
I got Mike, one of my few remaining high school friends and someone with about as much love for that place as me, involved as well of sorts. The reunion planning got us talking and reminiscing about our high school lives. Of course we both ended up getting rather bitter about it all. High school drama, I don't really need to say more, we had our share of it, more than our share even... maybe. I got to thinking tonight, that maybe we just focused so much on the bad times, because those are the easiest to remember.
High school was no easy trip for me, I wasn't popular, I wasn't a jock or even really into sports, and I had just as hard of a time then making friends as I do now, but I think I wasn't as willing to come to terms with that. On the other hand, I know the overall experience, the four years give or take, that I was there, wasn't all bad. I just can't think of much of the good, I don't really remember the good memories, and I don't know if that's a result of having so few of them, or just because I brood on the bad ones so much they seem larger by comparison. It might even be a result of hindsight being sharper, back then I didn't let things get to me, because I couldn't or I wouldn't have had any friends. That isn't true of course, its just that, looking back now, I was made fun of, used... all that high school drama stuff, but most of the time I was just too naive to understand.
The reunion gets to me though, because I don't really want to go, I don't really have much in common with those people anymore and I can say for certain I'm a totally different person now than I was then. The thing is no matter how much I say I don't want to go, I know that a part of me is lying by saying that. Well that isn't entirely true, I don't want to go, but I do wish I had contact with those people. I'm a curious person by nature, maybe a bit too curious for my own good, but the fact is I wonder. In the last 10 years what has changed for them. I just want to know, I'm also curious if anyone remembers me or cares to and I do wonder a bit at least what they would think of me as I am now.
On the other hand, I don't want to go because I fear that people would just fall back into the old high school roles, the jocks, the popular crowd, the outcasts... Maybe those roles would be justified even, once people saw who was successful, who has failed, saw the people that are still as beautiful as they were back then and those that married the good looking people. I just don't know where I would stand with those people, and I'm not entirely sure I want to find out. Yeah it would be nice to find out I was better off than the average person, that they were impressed by me or with me, but I just don't see that happening.
In the first place I am aware that I'm not the best looking person in the world. I know its a bit vain but it is something I think about at times. I know I look different from back then, my hair is longer now, I'm not as scrawny, I think I'm even a bit taller, but still at times when I'm feeling good about my looks, I nab a glance at a picture of me and I just see all the faults. I never really worried about looks before cause there isn't much you can do to change them, so much of it is based on genetics, but it still bothers me. It is also a bit disheartening when people confuse you for a girl, and this isn't something that just happened once, it happens regularly enough that it bothers me at times. Maybe its just the long hair, or it could be my voice too, I know the voice I hear isn't what everyone else does, I'm aware of that, as well as the fact that mine isn't the most masculine voice. I've gotten used to my voice, but still at times... its annoying. Another thing, I'm not nearly as successful as I could have been. This is of course my fault entirely, but it is something I feel like I am judged on.
I just see how much I've changed in 10 years, and I think no one is as amazed as I am. I hate to admit this but I used to be ruled by fear. It might be hard to believe, in fact I'm sure lots of people might think its plain not true, but that is how I see it. So much of my life I acted or didn't act because I was afraid, sometimes to the point of being paralyzed with fear. It wasn't just a shyness, which is how it often came across. Yes I was shy, I still am generally though I think I'm growing out of it now, but I was afraid a lot too. I guess I just never let it show, maybe I'm a better actor than I ever knew. I don't know how else to explain it, unless I just highly underestimate myself, which is possible. Some example are in order I'm sure. First off, from probably age ten until I was an adult I was convinced I was going to die before I turned 18, or maybe 21. It was so... real.. an idea to me that it did effect how I acted. I didn't want to learn how to drive because of that and I wasn't really serious about thinking what to do when I grew up. Though to be honest, part of the reason I didn't want to learn how to drive a car was because I knew I'd have to take a test with a stranger, and I was so afraid of that too.
Another thing, I am so afraid of pain, of physical hurt, might be thought to be a natural reaction, but I fear surgery so much that I'm not sure I would get it if I had to. But I got laser eye surgery when I was 24? And that experience sticks with me, because the doctor said I was the best patient he'd had all day, I didn't fidget I appeared calm and I was just generally cooperative and easy to work with. Thing is I was scared to death of the whole thing. Even before the surgery, heck if it hadn't happened so fast I don't think I'd have done it. See I went in for a consultation and at the end they had the contract all ready for me, and had the appointment made for the following week. It happened so fast I sort of forgot to say no, well not really but I didn't have a chance to think about it, because if I had, I'd have put it off and if I'd put it off I'd never had done it.
Work is another example. Just about every job I've worked has scared me, not just getting the job, either, but actually training and such. I was so scared of changing jobs when I got the offer from TSA that I almost turned down the job. One that would pay better for less hours than I was working, and all because I was scared of doing something new and on the excuse that it wouldn't be as flexible with time off. Even after I accepted the job and made it through training, which was an ordeal for me, I remember a few times during those first few days that I wondered if I should just quit cause I was scared. It wasn't just because it was a new job either, it was because of how much I had to interact with people I didn't know, get into situations of conflict. Thing is... now I like the job, I handle it really well, I feel like I actually am GOOD at it. Sure there are days I don't like it, but I think that holds true of any job. People say that if you work a job you love that you won't ever really work, but I say that's crap. If I could get paid to sit on my butt and just screw around on my computer I think even that would get to be stressful some days.
Work has always been an issue for me, I fear work, not just because of the need to interact with strangers (darn shyness) but also I think cause I fear failure. That and I feel like I'm not really great at anything, I'm good at many things, but not great at any one. So I always wonder why I should work a job that someone else can probably do much better. That isn't to say that I don't like doing a lot of things, I just don't think I could do them as work. Like cooking, I like to cook, I feel like I actually am good at it, but I couldn't ever be a chef. I've watched the tv shows, it looks hard, and scary, and I always worry that people won't like my cooking... just couldn't handle the pressure of being a professional and having someone tell me I cooked their food wrong.
The thing is I have changed a lot, I am doing great at work. It seems like I'm a totally different person, between my confidence and my ability to interact with people. I just look at how I am now and how I was then, and if I didn't know that I am me, I'd wonder if those weren't two separate people. Which leads me to one other big change, my name change. I know with the reunion someone would ask about my name change, and I wouldn't really know what to tell them. I wouldn't know, because honestly I don't fully know myself why I wanted to change my name. It really started as a lark, I just went around telling people I wanted to change my name, but I don't think i was ever really serious about it. Until Meg basically did it for me, if left on my own I don't think I would have gotten it done. But now that I have done it, well I feel more like ME. I had never before put stock in all that hokey talk about how your name determines your personality and such, but I look at who I am now, how I act and feel, and my name FITS now, it feels right. Its like I was wearing some other person's jacket all my life, then I found my own, and it fit me and it was comfortable.
But I don't really know what to tell other people that ask the why of it. I get that question at work still, and I think even my own parents still wonder why. I tell them all that it is just a name that is more fitting to my looks, and this is partly true, but its also true that I just disliked my father's family and wanted to separate myself from them. I love my father, but I am put off by his family. I feel bad for that, for saying that, for thinking it, for it being true, but it is true. And in the end I feel whole now, with my new name, that is neither my father's name, nor truly my mother's either.
All these changes, but most of it is so personal I don't think I've really talked much with anyone about it before. So I dunno how I would end up sharing it with people that are practically strangers. This is what I wish I could show the people from high school, but I just don't think they'd see it because the changes aren't something you notice in one night. Not to mention, I think they would actually have to be interested in knowing about all this, and a 10 year reunion isn't really a place to find out about the deep soul searching someone has done. People at reunions seem to talk about what has changed, what is new, but I am doubtful as to the honesty of their intentions. in other words, they want to know the small changes, they really are just making small talk, new job, married, kids? All okay, but huge personal discoveries, soul searching or major personal accomplishments, not really interested. Besides, I come back to looking at myself, and I just don't think I measure up. All these changes make me better to me, but compared to others...
It isn't just the faults in myself that I worry about, I mean I know everyone has those. Its just the fact that I can see my own faults the clearest. I guess I'd just hate to go to the reunion and see all those people that looked like they were doing so well and here I am feeling so inadequate. Things aren't so bad for me, it is all just about the comparisons, seeing how happy and successful these people are 10 years later after all the hell I went through. On the other hand, I wouldn't really wish disaster on any of them now just to feel better myself. It just seems that maybe me not going is for the best.
And that is about that. I seem to have gone on for quite a bit. I guess I just felt like talking about how I do feel better off now. I amaze myself by how different I am, how much for the better. If I knew then what I know now. But that is one of the problems I have with the reunion, it seems like it is looking back on something that is gone, and can't be changed. Although I guess I wanted to say, I don't think high school was as bad as all my complaining made it out to be.